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Parents unsupportive of my education - January 25th 2014, 01:15 PM

Hi, I'm back and I'm in need of help/advice again.

Recently, I just received the results of my national exam and I'm proud to say that I did rather well. Good results should make my life easier when it comes to choosing a college to go to right? But no, my parents are making it very difficult for me to choose a college.

There are so many problems that arose from just choosing a college to go to and most of these problems come from my parents' insecurities about themselves as well as their lack of belief in me.

I don't want to go into all the details as it is a whole LONG list of problems. To make a long story short, the problems are mainly them not letting me stay at my aunt's house that is near the good colleges so that I don't need to spend hours traveling from home to school and then back again.

Furthermore, college is a tough life here in my country. School starts from morning (7-9 am depending on the school) and ends in the evening. Then there is school societies, sports etc that college students HAVE to participate in. Thus, school usually ends around 10-11 pm.

My parents saying that I can't stay at my aunt's house means that I have to spend 4-5 hours each day traveling. How on earth am I supposed to study properly if I do that? I will reach home at 1 am in the morning and then I would have to wake up at 4 am to go to school? So what, I have to sleep, study and do my own things in three hours each day?

I'm so stressed out! I'm not sleeping, eating or even thinking straight in the past few days. The only thought that seems to be coherent in my mind is that my parents seriously do not care about my education or my future.

I don't know what to do now! Please advise!


Sometimes I wish the world would just stop turning and just stay the way it is right now...

It doesn't matter if you take advantage of me.
It doesn't matter if you hurt me.
It doesn't matter if you neglect me.
Just stay the hell out of my way when I'm moving forward.
And I'm not dragging your sorry butt with me.
   
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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - January 26th 2014, 06:03 PM

Hey there.

I think the bottom lines comes to the following: who has the say in the situation? Are your parents paying for your higher education (i.e., college)? Because if they are, they you don't really have much say in what you want to do. However if they aren't paying for college, then frankly, you can do whatever you want.

If your parents are paying your education, continue to negotiate with them, though I wouldn't be shocked if they don't give in.

If YOU are paying your education, here are a few ideas of what you can do. Are there any colleges that have campus housing? Meaning, is there a college in which you can live at? Like for me, I live on the college campus, and my 'real' home is 4 hours away, so it makes sense to live on campus. Do these colleges offer that? If not, have you looked into taking a loan to get a apartment/house near college? Have you looked into going to online school or atleast take online courses? Have you thought about going away to college (i.e., several hours away - 5+) so that you're forced to live on campus (and not to mention allow some room for breathing within the family)?

These are all pretty important things to think about. Ultimately this is YOUR life, and this is YOUR education. Do what you need to do to become a successful student, develop yourself as an individual, and prepare yourself for the upcoming future and job market, even if that means having to leave home (i.e., living on campus).


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...

Last edited by Chris; January 29th 2014 at 12:09 AM.
   
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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - January 27th 2014, 08:24 AM

Your of age aren't you? If so then your parent's really can't stop you from making a choice that will benifit you well. Just my 2 cents..

Anyways,
I do see the logic in your side of the story, and i soo NO rational logic in your parents side. I know how stressful LLOONNGG days can be and by the sound of it your day would be like never ending!, There is no way in hell that you can do everything you need to in a span of 3 hours and sleep it is impossible, especially if you have one of those all to well known nights where you just can't stop your mind from wondering and by the time you actually get to sleep, it's time to wake up.

My opinion is talk to your aunt, will she let you stay? If she will, then do it.....don't let others EVEN family get in the way of making a life for yourself, I know it is hard and not the thing anyone/everyone want's to do, but sometimes you have to, to further yourself. Letting others control your life is no way to live. Stand up for who you are and stand your ground.

Best of luck to you,
I am here if you need to talk, PM me.

-------
**Also it just occured to me, where are you? maybe being of age here in the USA vs. where you are is different, but regaurdless, do what you must to have a successful life. Your parent's might be mad at first, but they will/should come around. Also, point out to them that driving on that much lack of sleep can not only take your life in the event of a crash but take others as well, they don't want you responsible for something like that do they?

Off my soap box now


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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - January 27th 2014, 09:50 PM

Unlike what Brady says, being of age does not mean you can do what ever you want just because it's what you want to do. I am financially dependent on my parents despite being 22. I only make about $250 to $300 from my job in a month--that wouldn't even begin to cover ANY of my expenses (I might be able to pay for 1 thing like my cell phone or groceries, maybe both if I was careful about what I bought). If my parents didn't support me financially I wouldn't be in university because I have a learning disability and almost dropped out after 1st year for struggling so much--I now get 1/2 A's and 1/2 B's most of the time (last semester I got straight A's, so the ratio varies!), but without my parents support I wouldn't have gotten that far and not having financial stress many other students have made a huge difference--so while you may not be depending on your parents financially I can absolutely understand the dilemma you are experiencing.

I find it strange that your parents are so resistant to allowing you to make decisions necessary to you're going to college.
Are they paying for your education? If so, have you tried pointing out the financial benefits of you're living with your aunt?
Why is it that they would be insecure about your going to college? *please do not take this next part away:I am in sociology, so my question comes from my education, not from my random uneducated assumptions* i just have to ask if maybe your parents did not go themselves? Is your family maybe poor or working class? I do not mean that in a bad way, it's just that research suggests that poor or working class parents who themselves never went to college might not push their kids to go to college (ex. if the kid wants it, so be it, but they themselves won't necessarily insist on it), now of course, this doesn't mean the parents don't value school or they don't want their kids to go all together (many parents do expect it, and not just un middle class or upper class families). If a kid does go to college and is from a poor or middle class family (who's parents never went to college... let's just assume that this is what I mean from here on) then the parents often do not feel confident in supporting their child in their education because it is something that they never experienced and their social circle will be mostly made up of "like" people (so it's not like all their friends are upper class or something typically speaking). Again, this isn't always the case, for example, I know a doctor who's best friend is a janitor and a labourer at the local factory, but in general typical patterns, this is some stuff that has emerged.... Also, if a kid goes to college and struggles middle class parents and up tend to tell the kid "no, stay, keep trying, we'll get you the services you need" where as middle class parents tend to be like "ok, if you don't like it come home, you can do something else", neither approach is right or wrong: it depends on the child and the parent! Ok, so I am definitely not trying to criticize your family, but you spoke about insecurity and your parents insistence that you can not go live with your aunt, and it just seems that maybe if college life isn't something they're experienced with and maybe if it's not something they think you need to get by cause they're not always with people who have higher education levels (thus being more open/used to hearing that side of the spectrum) then maybe they just don't understand the reality.

Like I said, it seems excessive that your parents would limit your options so much, I must say I have not crossed any research that says it's "normal" for parents to be that limiting, so obviously you have to realize that even if I am right on some level that there is probably something else going on (ex. your parents are overly protective, afraid for their daughter to move out or oldest, youngest, only boy etc, sorry if I am making assumptions about who you are), or maybe if you had issues 2 years ago with depression or something (drugs, fighting, anger management, eating disorder, partying, what ever) they're afraid of what will happen to you if you go away by yourself (ex. maybe you'll party again and this time they won't be able to get a hold on the situation or try to intervene and that might be scary for them)

What you might want to do is talk to your aunt if you trust her and see if maybe she'd be willing to help you get to the bottom of the issue and help you convince your parents. And like Chris says, if you are paying for yourself to go to college it is ultimately your decision since your parents are left with much less control if they are not contributing financially.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - January 29th 2014, 11:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris View Post
Hey there.

I think the bottom lines comes to the following: who has the say in the situation? Are your parents paying for your higher education (i.e., college)? Because if they are, they you don't really have much say in what you want to do. However if they aren't paying for college, then frankly, you can do whatever you want.

If your parents are paying your education, continue to negotiate with them, though I wouldn't be shocked if they don't give in.

If YOU are paying your education, here are a few ideas of what you can do. Are there any colleges that have campus housing? Meaning, is there a college in which you can live at? Like for me, I live on the college campus, and my 'real' home is 4 hours away, so it makes sense to live on campus. Do these colleges offer that? If not, have you looked into taking a loan to get a apartment/house near college? Have you looked into going to online school or atleast take online courses? Have you thought about going away to college (i.e., several hours away - 5+) so that you're forced to live on campus (and not to mention allow some room for breathing within the family)?

These are all pretty important things to think about. Ultimately this is YOUR life, and this is YOUR education. Do what you need to do to become a successful student, develop yourself as an individual, and prepare yourself for the upcoming future and job market, even if that means having to leave home (i.e., living on campus).


Best wishes,
Chris
Well, my parents are paying for my education. But here in my country, college is not all that expensive. It's only about $20 a month and I can pay for that myself if my parents don't want to. I used to pay for my high school and primary school education as well when my parents forgot to pay or just refused to pay when I did not do well in school.

The schools that I want to go to have hostels but it is very expensive to stay in a hostel. In one of the colleges, the cost of living on the campus is over $7000 a year and that means about $700 a month (not including the two months that are holidays). $700 is way above my budget and my parents are not willing to pay for that. I've already talked to them about the hostel but they refused to pay for it. I don't blame them for that- I mean, $700 a month puts a hefty strain on my parents' budget...

And yes, I've thought about online schools or courses but I rather not take something like that. In my country, something like an online cert or even a cert from another college not from my country is deemed to be second-class (sorry for saying something like this, no idea how else to put it) to my own country's colleges.

I am not sure if I can get them to agree with me leaving the house, even if I'm going to live on campus or somebody else's home. They keep thinking that I would be a burden to someone else and that if I live alone in the hostel, unsupervised by an adult, I would screw up my studies and my life. They think that I would screw up because my elder brothers and sisters were not very successful in their lives and I guess my parents feel that if I leave them, I would turn out like my siblings...

Thanks for your reply. I'm still thinking about what to do and how to convince my parents.


Quote:
Originally Posted by franz1 View Post
Your of age aren't you? If so then your parent's really can't stop you from making a choice that will benifit you well. Just my 2 cents..

Anyways,
I do see the logic in your side of the story, and i soo NO rational logic in your parents side. I know how stressful LLOONNGG days can be and by the sound of it your day would be like never ending!, There is no way in hell that you can do everything you need to in a span of 3 hours and sleep it is impossible, especially if you have one of those all to well known nights where you just can't stop your mind from wondering and by the time you actually get to sleep, it's time to wake up.

My opinion is talk to your aunt, will she let you stay? If she will, then do it.....don't let others EVEN family get in the way of making a life for yourself, I know it is hard and not the thing anyone/everyone want's to do, but sometimes you have to, to further yourself. Letting others control your life is no way to live. Stand up for who you are and stand your ground.

Best of luck to you,
I am here if you need to talk, PM me.

-------
**Also it just occured to me, where are you? maybe being of age here in the USA vs. where you are is different, but regaurdless, do what you must to have a successful life. Your parent's might be mad at first, but they will/should come around. Also, point out to them that driving on that much lack of sleep can not only take your life in the event of a crash but take others as well, they don't want you responsible for something like that do they?

Off my soap box now
Well, I'm not of age. I'm a late baby and here in my country, college starts at a younger age than US.

My aunt does allow me to stay at her house- she was the one who OFFERED it. But even if she offered it, I can't just pack up and move without my parents' permission, right? If I do that, I can cause problems for my aunt and her family so I can't do that...

And about my parents coming around if I just left- I don't think they will. When I was talking (more like arguing, to be honest) with them about this matter, they said that if I just left (they said run away from home) or embarrass them, they will throw my siblings out of the house as well and all of us better stay the hell away from them. I can't do that to my siblings! My siblings still don't have a home of their own and none of them can afford buying or even renting an apartment!

So I can't stand my ground like that. Because even if I get what I want, others will suffer from it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
Unlike what Brady says, being of age does not mean you can do what ever you want just because it's what you want to do. I am financially dependent on my parents despite being 22. I only make about $250 to $300 from my job in a month--that wouldn't even begin to cover ANY of my expenses (I might be able to pay for 1 thing like my cell phone or groceries, maybe both if I was careful about what I bought). If my parents didn't support me financially I wouldn't be in university because I have a learning disability and almost dropped out after 1st year for struggling so much--I now get 1/2 A's and 1/2 B's most of the time (last semester I got straight A's, so the ratio varies!), but without my parents support I wouldn't have gotten that far and not having financial stress many other students have made a huge difference--so while you may not be depending on your parents financially I can absolutely understand the dilemma you are experiencing.

I find it strange that your parents are so resistant to allowing you to make decisions necessary to you're going to college.
Are they paying for your education? If so, have you tried pointing out the financial benefits of you're living with your aunt?
Why is it that they would be insecure about your going to college? *please do not take this next part away:I am in sociology, so my question comes from my education, not from my random uneducated assumptions* i just have to ask if maybe your parents did not go themselves? Is your family maybe poor or working class? I do not mean that in a bad way, it's just that research suggests that poor or working class parents who themselves never went to college might not push their kids to go to college (ex. if the kid wants it, so be it, but they themselves won't necessarily insist on it), now of course, this doesn't mean the parents don't value school or they don't want their kids to go all together (many parents do expect it, and not just un middle class or upper class families). If a kid does go to college and is from a poor or middle class family (who's parents never went to college... let's just assume that this is what I mean from here on) then the parents often do not feel confident in supporting their child in their education because it is something that they never experienced and their social circle will be mostly made up of "like" people (so it's not like all their friends are upper class or something typically speaking). Again, this isn't always the case, for example, I know a doctor who's best friend is a janitor and a labourer at the local factory, but in general typical patterns, this is some stuff that has emerged.... Also, if a kid goes to college and struggles middle class parents and up tend to tell the kid "no, stay, keep trying, we'll get you the services you need" where as middle class parents tend to be like "ok, if you don't like it come home, you can do something else", neither approach is right or wrong: it depends on the child and the parent! Ok, so I am definitely not trying to criticize your family, but you spoke about insecurity and your parents insistence that you can not go live with your aunt, and it just seems that maybe if college life isn't something they're experienced with and maybe if it's not something they think you need to get by cause they're not always with people who have higher education levels (thus being more open/used to hearing that side of the spectrum) then maybe they just don't understand the reality.

Like I said, it seems excessive that your parents would limit your options so much, I must say I have not crossed any research that says it's "normal" for parents to be that limiting, so obviously you have to realize that even if I am right on some level that there is probably something else going on (ex. your parents are overly protective, afraid for their daughter to move out or oldest, youngest, only boy etc, sorry if I am making assumptions about who you are), or maybe if you had issues 2 years ago with depression or something (drugs, fighting, anger management, eating disorder, partying, what ever) they're afraid of what will happen to you if you go away by yourself (ex. maybe you'll party again and this time they won't be able to get a hold on the situation or try to intervene and that might be scary for them)

What you might want to do is talk to your aunt if you trust her and see if maybe she'd be willing to help you get to the bottom of the issue and help you convince your parents. And like Chris says, if you are paying for yourself to go to college it is ultimately your decision since your parents are left with much less control if they are not contributing financially.
I'm financially dependent on my parents and I'm not working any longer. I don't have enough money in my savings to pay for my education, accommodation and other things (well, I blame my parents- they've been any money I've earned since I was 6).

My parents believe that me staying with my aunt is expensive since they will have to pay for my expenses there. Of course, my aunt did not ask them to pay for it but my parents have a lot of pride and I know they don't want to make it seem that I'm staying there out of my aunt's charity. They don't want to feel ashamed about not having enough money to let me stay in a hostel or something. This is their insecurity I'm talking about. Another reason why they don't want me to stay there is because they feel that I would embarrass them and that is a big no-no for them.

My family is working class and it is only my mom and my 2 bros working. To be honest, if my parents weren't so spendthrift, I think we would have enough money to pay for my board at my aunt's house or the school campus.
My parents never went to college but they are not against me going to college. In fact, they were the ones threatening me that if I don't get into a college, they would throw me out of the house.

But my parents never expected that college starts too early and too late and therein lies the problem. Even the nearest college (and it isn't a good one), is about 3 hours away and school starts at 7.20 am and ends late at night. The colleges that are good or better are all further away and some start even earlier and end later! So there you have it, the whole problem.

Of course, the problem could be solved if they just let me stay at my aunt's house! If they weren't so conscious about their pride and egos, my life would be so much easier!

I know why they are so limiting. They are worried that I won't become their 'cash cow'. They are afraid that I will turn out like my older brothers and sister if they let me stay away from them. My older brothers and sister did not do well in education because of some bad choices and now they are stuck in low paying jobs (in my sister's case, no job, 2 kids of her own and a divorce coming). And since I am the youngest (daughter), they are even more determined to make sure I become successful so that I can have a good life. Of course, if I am successful, they don't have to worry so much about their future as well. They don't have a dime in their retirement accounts so if I have a well-paying job, I can provide for them.

And I don't think they are worried about me as a person since I have no serious medical problems, no depression, no addictions and so on. I'm not sure if they noticed but I've never went down that road since I know from a young age that doing drugs and not taking care of my physical and mental health can affect my future and I don't want to do that.

I rather not ask my aunt to intervene in this situation. I don't want the relationship between my parents and my aunt to be affected by this. And if I ask my aunt to help me, no doubt my parents would be even more ashamed and that would have a bigger consequence on me and my siblings.

PS: College does not equal to university here in my country.


Sometimes I wish the world would just stop turning and just stay the way it is right now...

It doesn't matter if you take advantage of me.
It doesn't matter if you hurt me.
It doesn't matter if you neglect me.
Just stay the hell out of my way when I'm moving forward.
And I'm not dragging your sorry butt with me.
   
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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - January 30th 2014, 04:03 AM

The way I see it, you have a few options here. Let's start with the toughest ones which would happen if your parents absolutely said no.

As you're not of age yet, you could do what they say. Go to the university they want. When you're older they may be more inclined to allow you to make your own choices. If not, you can always try to get a job or apply for a scholarship when that happens and then go to the university you want for a second degree or to continue yours. Even though it sounds like you won't have a lot of spare time, your university may have a special regulation for students who are also working at the same time. As an alternative, you could just put off going to university until you're old enough to have more of a say on your own.

The option I would suggest most is to have yet another conversation with your parents.

Your point of view makes sense to me. You sound like you're being responsible by looking for a university that would allow you better options in the future and by wanting to manage your time carefully.

At the same time, I can understand why your parents would be concerned, especially if this didn't work out for your siblings. It also makes sense that they would be somewhat worried about burdening others.

The best you can do is perhaps make a list of the ways in which attending the universities you want would be better. If there are articles about them being good universities or about them offering opportunities you can't get elsewhere, print them out. One thing you should focus a lot on is academics. If your university of choice offers better classes in something you want to specialize in or if has your country's leading experts as professors then you should show your parents that. For example, if you're going to History and you'd like to specialize in 20th century History one day, of course that right now you'll be studying a little bit of all centuries but it makes more sense to choose the university that has better classes about 20th century History. If you're studying Medicine and the university you want has your country's most renowned surgeon as a professor that's important. If you're studying something that requires practical work in a laboratory or a studio and those facilities are better then show your parents that. Another thing you should focus on are additional services, like medical care, employment help offices, and other such things that are probably important to your parents as well. Basically, find everything that is better about the universities you want and show them that.

On your everyday life, do your best to show that you are responsible and mature. Do your chores, be polite, study hard, things like that that will show your parents they can trust you to live away from them. You could also point out that just because your siblings made mistakes or did things your parents don't approve of it doesn't mean that you're going to do the same thing and you should also be allowed the same good opportunities they had. Just because your siblings wasted those good opportunities it's not fair for you to get worse opportunities. Show your parents they've raised you well and that this is your chance to prove they've done a good job of that. If you're living with your aunt then I assume she'll be keeping an eye on you so you can point this out to your parents.

When it comes to your parents thinking you're going to be imposing on other people, there are some things you could do. If you would be sharing a house with other students, you would not be imposing on them: you would have as much right to be there as anyone else. If you were renting a room at a family's house then you were paying to use that room as long as you were respectful. Your aunt offered for you to stay there so you can try to talk to her, explain the situation, and ask her to help you convince your parents. Maybe your parents can feel better if they help pay for your living costs at her house, which wouldn't be so expensive as they wouldn't spending the money on the food, electricity and water you would be using in their home.
   
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Re: Parents unsupportive of my education - February 2nd 2014, 11:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Usernames Suck View Post
The way I see it, you have a few options here. Let's start with the toughest ones which would happen if your parents absolutely said no.

As you're not of age yet, you could do what they say. Go to the university they want. When you're older they may be more inclined to allow you to make your own choices. If not, you can always try to get a job or apply for a scholarship when that happens and then go to the university you want for a second degree or to continue yours. Even though it sounds like you won't have a lot of spare time, your university may have a special regulation for students who are also working at the same time. As an alternative, you could just put off going to university until you're old enough to have more of a say on your own.

The option I would suggest most is to have yet another conversation with your parents.

Your point of view makes sense to me. You sound like you're being responsible by looking for a university that would allow you better options in the future and by wanting to manage your time carefully.

At the same time, I can understand why your parents would be concerned, especially if this didn't work out for your siblings. It also makes sense that they would be somewhat worried about burdening others.

The best you can do is perhaps make a list of the ways in which attending the universities you want would be better. If there are articles about them being good universities or about them offering opportunities you can't get elsewhere, print them out. One thing you should focus a lot on is academics. If your university of choice offers better classes in something you want to specialize in or if has your country's leading experts as professors then you should show your parents that. For example, if you're going to History and you'd like to specialize in 20th century History one day, of course that right now you'll be studying a little bit of all centuries but it makes more sense to choose the university that has better classes about 20th century History. If you're studying Medicine and the university you want has your country's most renowned surgeon as a professor that's important. If you're studying something that requires practical work in a laboratory or a studio and those facilities are better then show your parents that. Another thing you should focus on are additional services, like medical care, employment help offices, and other such things that are probably important to your parents as well. Basically, find everything that is better about the universities you want and show them that.

On your everyday life, do your best to show that you are responsible and mature. Do your chores, be polite, study hard, things like that that will show your parents they can trust you to live away from them. You could also point out that just because your siblings made mistakes or did things your parents don't approve of it doesn't mean that you're going to do the same thing and you should also be allowed the same good opportunities they had. Just because your siblings wasted those good opportunities it's not fair for you to get worse opportunities. Show your parents they've raised you well and that this is your chance to prove they've done a good job of that. If you're living with your aunt then I assume she'll be keeping an eye on you so you can point this out to your parents.

When it comes to your parents thinking you're going to be imposing on other people, there are some things you could do. If you would be sharing a house with other students, you would not be imposing on them: you would have as much right to be there as anyone else. If you were renting a room at a family's house then you were paying to use that room as long as you were respectful. Your aunt offered for you to stay there so you can try to talk to her, explain the situation, and ask her to help you convince your parents. Maybe your parents can feel better if they help pay for your living costs at her house, which wouldn't be so expensive as they wouldn't spending the money on the food, electricity and water you would be using in their home.
Thanks for the help! Really appreciate it.

I've been having talks with my parents. Not moving smoothly and it is certainly not going anywhere but I'll keep trying.


Sometimes I wish the world would just stop turning and just stay the way it is right now...

It doesn't matter if you take advantage of me.
It doesn't matter if you hurt me.
It doesn't matter if you neglect me.
Just stay the hell out of my way when I'm moving forward.
And I'm not dragging your sorry butt with me.
   
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