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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Ravensnight Offline
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To Choose? - February 19th 2014, 02:26 AM

My parents are always fighting. Always.
My father is an alcoholic who is only encouraged by his brother and mother who both have no repect for my mom.
My mother is a stay at home mom who really wishes she could have done something with her life.
My father has never ever hit my mom or vice versa but the screaming wars, slamming doors, and angry silence is nearly always present.
Despite their flaws, I love both of my parents very much. I can spell hours of good memories that they gave me, with road trips, scuba diving, and midnight donut runs. And there are the not so good times.
But my mom has always pressured me to make every child's most feared and impossible choice. To choose.
If I talk to my Dad after school, then she assumes I don't want to talk to her.
If I come to her when I get injured, then she assumes that I feel more comfortable with her.
If I argue with her, then I must prefer my dad.
If I make a friendly joke then I'm picking on her.
If my Dad and I are discussing books/movies/T.V shows, fandoms, etc. that she doesn't understand, then I'm leaving her out.

I know I could solve my problem by just spending more time with her, but she makes it very difficult. Her mood is unpredictable, and more often then not, moody. I always feel as though I must have done SOMETHING to upset her. It's very frustrating and confusing.


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Re: To Choose? - February 19th 2014, 05:17 PM

I'm really sorry that your parents don't get along well. I know that must be really stressful for you, and you definitely shouldn't have to feel pressure to pick sides. That's not fair to you. You should be able to have a relationship with both of your parents without feeling like being close to one is going to upset the other.

I think that you should talk to your mom about this. The way that she is acting isn't right. She shouldn't be making you feel like you're somehow betraying her by wanting to spend time with and have a relationship with your father. That being said, though, maybe she's unaware that she's even doing this. And in that case talking to her could be really beneficial. You could simply let her know that having a relationship with both her and your father is important to you and that you don't want one to get in the way of the other. Let her know that you feel equally close to both of them and that you don't want to have to feel pressured to take sides. Hopefully letting her know all of this will help her to change her actions and not be so hurt by you wanting to spend time with your father.

Maybe you should also mention to your mom that you often feel she is upset with you. I think that communication is one of the most important things in any kind of relationship, and telling your mom how you feel and working together to solve the issues you might have with each other could make for a much healthier relationship between the two of you. It sounds like you just really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her and figure out how the two of you can get along better and have a more positive relationship.

I hope this helped a little, and that you're able to work everything out with your mom. Family issues can be so stressful and complicated sometimes but at the end of the day your family are the ones who will always love you most and who will always be there... so maintaining healthy relationships with them is super important. Best of luck to you, and if you ever need someone to talk things through with feel free to message me


   
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Re: To Choose? - February 19th 2014, 05:38 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!

I can relate to what you're going through, with regard to "choosing sides." When my parents separated (and divorced two years later), both of them would take offense if I approached the other parent about something, even if it was a very minor thing. What I ended up doing was sitting down with both parents separately and explaining how I didn't like being placed "in the middle" of their conflict. I explained that I cared about both parents, and that they needed to stop reading so much into my actions. One parent readily accepted my explanation, while the other didn't. They continue to hold grudges against me to this day, even though the divorce occurred almost 10 years ago and I'm well into my adulthood (so it's no longer obvious when I approach one parent and not the other).

What does that tell me, and how can my experience help you? First, talking to your parents about how you feel is generally a good approach. I don't blame your mom for being "moody," given her current living situation; however, she needs to understand how her actions are affecting you. You'd be surprised to know that many parents are oblivious to how their actions affect their children. They feel like their conflicts with their spouses/partners don't have a direct negative impact on their children. Clearly, they do, and simply informing your mom of this could make a difference!

Second, it's important to be aware of underlying issues that may limit your mom's ability to change her behavior. As I already stated, one of my parents never accepted my explanation. It was important for me to recognize that I couldn't change that parent... that they needed professional help, and that there was nothing more I could do or say as their daughter in order to make the situation better. If your pleas fall on deaf ears, then please don't blame yourself. Do what you can, and if she continues to let her behavior sabotage your relationship with her... then as unfortunate as that is, you need to understand it's not your fault. You're NOT a bad person if she becomes upset with you. You DIDN'T necessarily do anything wrong.

I wish you and your family members all the best! I'm sorry for what you're all going through, and I hope both of your parents can receive help for their issues.






   
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