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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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what should i do? - April 18th 2014, 05:16 AM

so, um... my brother found out and told my mom that my best friend is trans. i havent talked to my brother yet so i dont know how he found out (i suspect he snooped on my laptop or read my texts, little jerk) or why the hell he thought he should tell my mother, but it led to a rather uncomfortable conversation in the car this afternoon. my mother knows nothing about the subject, but she doesnt seem to judgmental (hopfully neither of them find out that we were dating, cause yeesh i dont want to explain that)

Should i tell my friend that they know? i dont think its really nessisary, but im not sure

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Re: what should i do? - April 18th 2014, 05:26 AM

Whether or not you tell your friend is entirely up to you.

What do you think will happen if you tell your friend? If your friend spends some time at your house and/or with your family, I'd probably tell them that your family knows. That way, if something ever comes up, your friend will understand the situation. Explain that your mom isn't behaving in a judgmental manner, which should make your friend feel good. Telling your friend that your family knows about their sexuality might make them feel more at ease with the situation - especially because of the positive reaction from your mother.

Ultimately, though, it's entirely up to you. You know the situation better than any of us do. Do what you feel is best for you and your friend.

However, if your relationship (romantic) continues, it'll probably be wise to come clean and be open about everything - the sexuality, the relationship, etc. There's nothing worse in a relationship than trying to keep secrets - especially when it involves family and your significant other. In my opinion, I think it's best to be open and honest about this type of thing, especially to your family and significant other - two of the most important facets in your life. Ultimately, though, you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing.

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Re: what should i do? - April 18th 2014, 06:18 AM

You shouldn't feel pressured to tell your friend about it if your not absolutly set on it. Try to base your decision off your relationship so far and whether or not news like that would have a negative impact on the bond you too share. There are many ways this situation could go but you should ultimately make the final decision.

Take into consideration that your friend may find out that your family knows and feel blindsided that they were never informed. But hopefully the two of you will be able to speak freely about your relationship with your family. Until then, just warm them up to the idea of you having a trans friend. The subject may be uncomfortable now but it doesn't always have to be that way

Whatever you decide... I'm rooting for you

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Re: what should i do? - April 19th 2014, 11:56 PM

I think it depends. If you want to tell your friend then you should, if you don't want to then don't.

If it was me, I think I would but only if I thought that my friend was going to be coming over a lot, like with where I live now it'd be more than likely my mom would never even meet my friend in person so it wouldn't matter if my friend knew my mom knew, but if it was a friend my mom knows/is going to see/what ever, I think I'd tell that friend my mom knows, just then that was it's not floating in the air awkwardly, even if I just think that we're all thinking about it even if we aren't... I'm a big fan of telling people something like:

"like, just so you know, you told me this and now this person knows, I just thought I should let you know and that *this* is the reason they know just so if it comes up later you don't think I was gossiping about you for shits"

But it all depends on context too.

Is your friend "out"? Like would they mind that your mom knows? Would it make your friend uncomfortable to know your mom knows? Or would your friend be ok with it?

Any ways, yeah, I think it's a need to know basis, but if you think your friend should know that your mom knows or if you think it might potentially come up, then let them know, otherwise, if you think it's just a pointless irrelevant conversation to have then just let it go, you can always have that conversation at a later date if the "need to know basis" changes, just cause you choose not to say anything about what your mom does or doesn't know right now doesn't mean you can't mention it later on, same with your mom not knowing you dated this friend; if it doesn't really matter in the greater scheme of things right now (ex. if you weren't planning to tell her before this conversation) then she probably doesn't really need to know right now, know what I mean, but if you're not telling your mom simply cause you're afraid of what she'll say if she knew that you dated a trans person, well, maybe you're mistaken (you did say she's open to your friend being trans) or maybe you can use it as an opportunity to educate your mom and explain why it's not a big deal

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: what should i do? - April 20th 2014, 12:14 AM

Oh there's NO WAYi'm telling my mother we dated. god no.

He doesn't come over very much. I think he's been to my house once, and ive known him for several years.

hes kinda half "out". like, most of his friends know, but our school friends don't.

Creativity takes courage
-Henri Matisse

PM/VM me if you just need to talk. trust me, i don't mind
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