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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MsNobleEleanor Offline
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When to cross the line? - April 19th 2014, 05:04 PM

I have roommates, 3 roommates. I talk to 2 of them the other never see. A few different things are happening and I need to be positive and friendly but there needs to be a line between roommates, being friendly and respectful, to crossing lines/boundaries.

Positive and Friendly:
I am positive and I don't mind having time to chat or do things with. For instance watching movies or talking. I am fine with that.

Respect:
I show a ton of respect for my roommates and everyone in my life or even those I don't like I respect them regardless.

Crossing Lines/Boundaries:
This has been happening more and more with my roommates. They try to pry into my life and it's none of their business. If I want to tell them something I will. I don't need them to put me on the spot all the time because I don't need my roommates to ask me where I was the last few days or why I wasn't here for that night.

One of the common themes that is happening is since they know I am in a relationship they want to know if I was with my partner or not. To be honest, sometimes I do talk to them about it but most of the time I don't. When I do talk to them it is WHEN I want to talk to them. The things I do tell them are like, informing them he is coming over, or when I am excited to do something fun with him (like going somewhere).

Roommate 1:
I've been having more and more awkward conversations with him, I mean I get it but I don't need to be put in those situations. He asked me advice on a girl and I gave him a good response and I asked him questions. I was completely fine with this. It seemed he didn't actually listen to me at all. Then he just blurted out, "not like I am going to knock her up," honestly, I am not going to talk to him about sex which I had done before he said that. I had to explain the age difference between his age and her age and the whole legal age consent with him. Then he decides to blurt out, "not like I am going to knock her up."

He asked me where I have been that he hasn't seen much of me. My response is and will always be the same, "I was busy." Then he tries to pry it out of me. He puts me on the spot, "were you with (boyfriend) last night?" Does it really matter where I was and wasn't?

He has bluntly talked to me about his sex life... I mean, where the hell is the line?

Roommate 2:
I rarely see him and when I do run into him he always is like, "I haven't seen much of you lately. Where have you been?" My response is always the same, "Busy with College, homework, work," and he tries to get me to go to an agreement of a "roommate gathering" where we watch movies or whatever. I am fine with that but when I say, "I can't I have something going on," I can't at that time. He gets upset and says, "well we should try to set a time where we can all do something." I truly do understand but I have a life outside of everything and my attention isn't solely on them.

He is open to saying, "Yea I haven't been here overnight been somewhere else," I mean that's great but I don't really care.


I have no idea how to explain to both of them to stop prying into my life or where I am or doing all the time. I feel the openness has gotten to a very personal level with them. I don't want to be rude and explain, "look I have a life and if and when I want to talk to you about it I will."

I do understand a lot of people are open to me about stuff when I literally just met them 10 minutes ago. Its a common theme because I am laid back about everything.

Any advice or what you have done in the past with roommates like this?


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darlingnikki Offline
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Re: When to cross the line? - April 20th 2014, 03:12 AM

It seems that you are basically annoyed with them. They try to make small talk or they want to become "friends" and you aren't in the mood. I understand. But to be honest, you live with these ppl. And when you live with ppl they tend to want to get to know the person they sleep under the same roof with. You could be out with your boyfriend or you could be out committing murder for all they know. My advice is try to "make friends" with them but leave your boyfriend out of it. Tell them your intimate life is something you don't feel comfortable discussing and leave it at that. Your only other options are find a new place to stay or avoid them at all costs.
   
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Re: When to cross the line? - April 20th 2014, 05:10 AM

Dealing with roommates is a particular tough situation because you're much more likely to get irritated easier with them vs. friends that you don't live with. It's understandable, and even the best of friends (as roommates) feel this way about each other - a lot.

I don't know if moving out is the right option here. I mean, sure, you can consider moving out once your lease is up. But, is it worth the hassle of moving? Isn't it likely to just happen again with your new roommates? Or could your new roommates be even worse? When it comes to roommates, I can definitely empathize because I've had my fair share of horrible roommates. While these guys seem to be prying a little bit, I think we both know that things can be much (much) worse.

Have you tried talking to them about it in a nice way? I know it may be an awkward conversation, but if you really don't feel comfortable with something that they said (i.e., talking about their sex life), I think it's important for you to vocalize that. It might be awkward, but it needs to be done.

Honestly, aside from that, I think the best thing to do is to continue being private about your life. Whenever they ask where you've been, for example, just say something extremely general (i.e., "out"). I think that, after a while of these types of responses, they'll get the hint - you don't want to talk about it.

However, keep in mind that they may be a little bit confused with your own behaviour, though. You said that you talk to them about your private life sometimes, but don't want to talk about it during other times. This could be misleading for them and therefore, confusing as a result. They could both be trying to show that they care about you and are interested in your life by asking you these questions. To me, these types of questions and this behaviour indicates interest in a person's life - which is not a bad thing. It can definitely become a little bit too much at times, but that's when you need to vocalize your preferences to them. They can't read your mind. Everyone has different thresholds of privacy, and you need to make yours known.

Good luck.


Harvey Specter
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