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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BanielDeCrow Offline
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Name: JuniperAmeliaWinter
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How can I escape? - August 2nd 2014, 12:58 AM

Hello everyone,
I came across this site and I figured I could find help here. I don't even know where to start..
I am a black youth growing up in the ghetto. I'm not your average black girl either. I'm what people call the "white girl". I've been called this since I was in elementary school simply because I don't act like the other black girls do. I'm not loud, I am very quite and shy. I never liked wearing make-up because I am happy with the way I look. I am always conscious about the way I dress and I take time to cover as much skin as I can. Anyway this is not the point.

I have been having issues with my father since I was 5 years old. He never really offered any emotional support or any comfort. Any time I cried he would basically tell me to suck it up. He gets angry and yells which makes me cry more so I went to my mother for help. He never really gave any hugs or anything. After that I thought my brother would be of some comfort but they are much older than me by 15+ years so we don't really relate. They are actually my half brothers but no one in the family NEVER EVER said that because we didn't believe in it. Its the same situation with my sisters. There is only so much love a woman can give you, I need a balance but I don't get it so I try to find comfort from a man elsewhere. It never really worked out because I guess guys aren't really into me. I can't talk to my dad about anything because he has a very short temper. All he ever really cares about is how school is going because he keeps saying that he wants me to be successful. It always seems to be topic #1 with him. I am not allowed to talk to guys and when I do he thinks that I am dating them or having sex with them and I am not because I wouldn't do that. I also find it hard to walk pass a guy on the street and not imagine what a life with him would be like. I feel like a wild animal hunting for a mate.

I am more close with my mother and I am more like her. She is the only one who has really given me the most support in life. We got into a fight today and she said some mean things which made me feel worthless, I felt like I didn't have any parents in that moment.

I have never had any luck with friends because people don't like me for some reason. I don't know if its because I am shy and quite but I have never really had a friend longer than 1 year and I haven't been able to call anyone my best friend. I have been bullied by my so called friends. They call me names and push me around and get me to do things for them. I pretty much come home everyday crying to the point were my eyes are swollen and puffy. I guess you could say that I am anti-social and I don't like working or being around people. I isolate myself from people and avoid being friends with people who want to be friends with me because I don't want to get hurt again. I have also had friends who sexual assault me. This girl in kindergarten once told me to do things with her in the wash room at school. People see me as more vulnerable because I am so quite so I get taken advantage of almost all the time.

I've had anxiety for 1 year and 11 months now. I never got any support from my family or my doctor. My doctor wanted me to see a psychiatrist but my mother and father said no. I have been dealing with it on my own for so long without any help. It started when I went into emergency surgery to get my appendix removed. I was never the same mentally and physically. I have developed an irregular heartbeat from my anxiety and the doctor is sure its my anxiety because my heart muscle hasn't changed and all test always come back normal. I am just tired of feeling alone in all this. There are some things you can't tell your parents and they are so much older than me so they wouldn't understand anyway.

Can someone please help me to find a way to escape all of this? I want to move out but I am too young.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Re: How can I escape? - August 3rd 2014, 01:45 PM

Hey Miss Juniper! I am sorry that it took this long to get a response. I actually started typing something the other day but didn't have time to finish it.

I am sorry that things are so difficult for you and that it makes you want to leave home. Though I am glad you realize that leaving home at this time shouldn't be your first response and that you are very responsibly trying to seek out other options.

I believe you have a number of options, and all of them are worth investigating in the hopes that one or more of them will work out for you.

I have been wondering if it would be possible for you to attend a different school? If you spoke with a guidance counsellor and told them how you were being treated, maybe they'd be able to help you find another school in your district where you can feel safer and not be bullied by people because you are shy/quiet. This might be worth investigating. If it isn't an option the guidance counsellor might at least be able to help you get through school with the least damaging impacts possible, he might be able to advise you on how to make new friends in your classes or even set you up with a buddy of sorts (he might know another shy girl who's struggling who also feels alone for example). I am sorry that you live in a tough community where you have been assaulted and bullied, I honestly feel for you, it must be hard to be the shy, quiet girl in an area where people are typically louder and more aggressive.

With your family, your father might not realize how being emotionally closed off and hard on you is hurting. He might think that he is providing physically and financially so that's good enough. I know many parents like this, and it might just be that your dad is combatting his own demons and shuts down emotionally to cope (I don't know your dads history so I have no idea) and he might think that it is ok because your other siblings were fine, but if you are more emotionally sensitive (which I think is a good thing!) then you maybe just feel the impacts of that more strongly. You have a number of options here I think. I believe you can speak with your dad and let him know how hurt you are and hope he listens. You can also speak with your mother if this is an option, let her know how you feel about your dad and see if she can help to be a mediator. You can also try to maybe avoid letting your dad know about things that you know bother him, it isn't ideal but at least it won't cause a clash.

I'm not sure what else I can offer as a suggestion, the best thing I can think of (besides actively changing it) is just trying to keep yourself safe, You have an amazing online community here at TeenHelp, you can PM me or anyone else when ever you need someone to talk to and you have an opportunity to make good friends here, I know we are "only" online but it is still a good chance for you to develop positive relationships which may help you a lot from feeling so lonely. And what might also help is to remind yourself you don't need to live there for ever. If you keep your grades up and stay in school, you will graduate and can go to college where things will be better, you just need to remember that you can get out of there eventually and that as horrible as it is right now you can leave. Lastly, you should consider speaking with a doctor or contacting a counsellor directly, many people will offer their services on a sliding scale (ex. they'll charge you less if you don't have much) or even for free if you truly have no money to give.

Be in touch ok If you need to talk, PM me




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
BanielDeCrow Offline
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Re: How can I escape? - August 3rd 2014, 06:33 PM

Thank you. The only problem is I did go to my guidance counsellor when I was being bullied by this one girl in particular and needed help but she didn't so anything about it. She told me that I would be fine and that I should just ignore her. I gave he a list of all the things she was doing to me and all the names she called me. I know people say to just walk away from the problem but how can you do that when the problem is following you? Its harder than you think. I told her I wanted to be a vet and she told me my marks are way too low and that I won't make it because you need 90's. She basically told me not to waste my time and try something else because some people just don't have the skills to do certain things. I was so angry. I went home crying because I love animals so much and for an adult that you look to for help to just put you down like that really made me feel like a worthless human. I am so turned off by anything that has to do with vet's. I saw a stray cat on the street and I kept thinking, "oh my god! I'm never going to be able to help you!" It hurts. It seems that everyone that I've looked up to in life has let me down somehow.

I will be going to a different school and I am moving this year. I just feel alone because my mother works a lot (she leaves early in the morning and comes home after dark). When my mother comes home she is tried and my dad is just rude and angry. He keeps telling me, "You're so disrespectful. You never do anything for me." All the time he is constantly putting me down. I have talked to him about talking to me nicely but he says that won't help but it actually does. If he just took the time to use a nicer softer voice instead of screaming at me then maybe I would be more respectful to him. Every time I am around him I avoid talking to him because it usually ends badly or I just feel angry at him for not doing a better job raising me. My mother even told me one time that my dad can't and doesn't know how to raise children properly because the brothers and sisters on my mom's side came out fine but my brothers and sisters on my dad's side are so outrageous.

You know what? He is right. Talking to me nicely actually won't change anything because he already ruinedwhat could have been a wonderful father daughter relationship. He even said that if he could go back in time he wouldn't have any children at all, not a single one. I have heard him say that on the phone uncountable amounts of times. My mother always says, "don't worry, he's not talking about you." I know he is because he also always says, "you're just like your brothers and sisters, blah blah blah."

That's why I feel like I need a boyfriend so badly because I want to have that experience with a man. Someone who is there for you, that will take care of you and help you if you need it.

I feel like we just say I love you because that's what parents have to say to their children and visa versa.

I get so jealous when I see fathers and daughters having a good time because I want that but I won't get it. If my mom hurts me, she comes back later and apologizes and especially if I ask for one but with my dad there is no point in asking because he thinks every fight we have is my fault. I just can't wait to go to a different school. I want a nice calm and mature environment.

I need help surviving the next few years while I'm living with my parents (more so my dad). He says I can't move out until I am 40 years old (like that's happening). I plan on moving out when I reach university but for now I need help working my way around him so that I don't have to be put down by him almost everyday. Please help.

Last edited by BanielDeCrow; August 3rd 2014 at 06:55 PM.
   
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