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Best friend turned lesbian girlfriend, scared about telling her parents
Okay... wow it has been a long while since I was on this site... The last posts I put up were about the same girl as now...
Quick synopsis from the beginning, this starts over 18 months ago, my best friend had a boyfriend, he went away for 6 months on an exchange trip, while he was gone she cheated on him with me, our relationship continued after he came back, so she broke up with him. Our relationship, not yet exclusive was further complicated by another boy. Eventually he went away as well, and we became exclusive. and about a month ago, she gave me the label as her girlfriend! It was a long time coming and needless to say I was over-the-moon when she said that! Things have continued relatively smoothly until this week... We typically have a very close relationship, physically and emotionally. We can talk about anything together. Everything was going along as normal, we were together one evening last week, and I asked her a question which turned out to be critical in all of this... I was just chatting with her, and I didn't mean much by it when I was asking, I was just curious. I asked her "How long do you think you will wait to tell your parents?". Neither of us are openly gay, and neither of us have been with a girl before. I in no way was intending to pressure her into telling them, I was just wondering about it... She seemed a bit off-put by the question and said "well, I don't know what the future has in store." That to me meant she didn't see us having a future together, which is something I do see. Not much more discussion happened about it after that, we just moved on and talked about other things and I tried to brush it off. Then last night, I was really tired, so I don't really remember how the whole conversation went ( it was about 5 AM ) But I think I questioned her on the future together thing, at which point she admitted that she wasn't sure if she liked boys or girls... Which was really hard for me to hear, and everything got very emotional from there. Eventually we agreed that we both love each other, we would slow the relationship down and that we would discuss it more later. We had a very busy day, so we didn't have a chance to talk until this evening... I inquired about her being unsure about who she liked and the reasons as to why she wasn't sure, and got a lot of 'I don't know' responses... Eventually through some guessing, she admitted that the main factor that caused her to be unsure was my question about telling her parents. She told me she didn't want to be treated differently... and that's why she didn't want to tell them. I am really confused about what this means... If she is a lesbian, not telling her parents, and breaking us with me isn't going to make her strait. And if she really is strait, I don't know what she has been messing around with me for a year and a half for, and I will be upset. Now, I know all three of the parental figures in her life (mom, dad and stepmom) and I don't think any of them would have a particular issue with her being a lesbian, her mom especially is very open and accepting, the other two would be a bit harder, but no where near impossible. She also said that by asking the question I made our relationship too real, too fast... So I accepted that and agreed once again that we were going to slow the relationship down. Ultimately, I am conflicted as to what to do, should I wait around and hope she chooses to be with me and not to be strait... and if she does reconcile with herself that she is into girls... Should the fact that she doesn't want anyone else to know be a problem for me? I understand why she doesn't want to tell, because it would be hard, but is she saying that I'm not worth fighting for? I am very conflicted about where our relationship is going, and to top it all off we are moving in together in less than a month for University... I love this girl more than anything in the whole world, she is my pretty princess and my rock that keeps me grounded. I'm sorry if this was really confusing, its kind of late here... Any questions about my situation feel free to ask! Thanks so much to anyone who has advice to share! |
Re: Best friend turned lesbian girlfriend, scared about telling her parents
Hey,
Some people are more or less comfortable with being open about their relationships, and sometimes people just don't feel as if they are ready to come out at that moment. Whether she determines she actually is straight or not, I think this is a very confusing time for her and I don't think she was using you. Since you are going to be moving in together and you are still confused, maybe you should have one final talk with her. Let her know you respect the fact that she wants to take the relationship slow and you are more than willing to do that, but you are confused about what it means that she isn't ready to tell anyone yet, and about what it means for the relationship. Maybe she can give you some form of reassurance about where things are going and why she isn't ready to tell anyone just yet. Let her know that you are supportive of her decisions, though, and aren't trying to force her to move faster than what she wants to. I don't think she's necessarily saying you aren't worth fighting for, though. Coming out in a same-sex relationship can be scary, and she may truly be fearful of the reactions, even though people may be accepting of her. Try to get a feel for the relationship, though. It's only been exclusive for about a month, though, so maybe both of you need some time to see how you two will work. I'm not saying to wait around forever, but maybe both of you will be more at ease with a bit more time, and she may be more willing to come out. How long you want to wait for her to decide where to go is up to you, though. If you have had too much of it or don't find it worth it to wait, it is okay to end the relationship. You don't have to wait forever, but maybe give it time to see how the relationship pans out. It IS only the first month of you being official, so maybe that makes her more nervous to introduce you to others? -Dez |
Re: Best friend turned lesbian girlfriend, scared about telling her parents
Hey,
I was in a similar situation about a year and a half ago. I was already "out" to my parents, but the girl I was in love with (my now fiance) was not out to her family, friends, or anyone... except for me. I had to be really patient, and after about eight months of dating, she finally came out to her family. They're all super supportive of us, and I've never been happier. With that said, I think you need to be patient with her. This relationship is still so new to the both of you, and it's important to take things at a steady pace. She will come out when she's ready, and you will be there with open arms for whatever outcome there is. I know it's frustrating to wait, but it'll be worth it in the end. I have no doubt that at least one of her parents will be supportive of her, which will make it easier for her to be who she is. The more support she has , the better, and vice versa. It'll work out regardless if you two really love each other. :) Feel free to PM/VM me if you need to talk. |
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