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Broman126 Offline
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Unhappy [LONG POST] A traumatizing person in my life, and how I've been affected. - August 25th 2014, 06:35 PM

So hey guys. I’m new to this forum, and I just came here to see what some people may think of my issues. It’s a lot to swallow, and I try my best to explain it. Plus, I may have left a few grammatical errors here and there, so bear with me—I’m prone to those!
So when I first entered high school, I met a few guys. Guys I could instantly talk to…why? They were into video games, like me. When we first met, things started off rocky. They didn’t really want me around, and often just made fun of me while I tried to get with them blindly….me getting manipulated will be a trend. Just keep it in mind.
So two years later, at 11th grade, and things take an awesomely unexpected turn. We actually end up going against our past ways, and I forgive my friends for their past offenses. And things start to look great…for a time.
Now at this point, for explanation sake, I’m going to divide my main friends in two categories. I have other friends, but for the sake of this thread, they are not important.
Friend 1: The one I’ll be ranting about. We are best friends…
Friend 2: My others best friend…this one I vent many my frustrations on.
So when 11th grade hit, friend 1 got hurt real bad. I’m not gonna explain his issues so much, since this is about me and not him, but he in general, he has
-Low self-esteem
-Sexual Identity issues
-Depression
-Bulimia Nervous
-Lots of insecurity in general
-Self-Harmful tendencies, like harming himself.
So as you can kind of imagine, he was really in a bad state.
And so I did things I shouldn’t have done. And for anyone wondering, no, it wasn’t me telling him to get over his depression. That’s not how that works, and I’m aware. What I tried to do though, was help him. For one, trying to outline his great feature was stupid on my part. He just quashes everything good anyone says about him…even to the point that him being (for example) stupid is a fact. HE is that negative. So I’m putting a bunch of effort into trying to help him, and why? Because he is the type of person to do this:

When you say: It's fine.
What you really mean: It's not fine. It is everything but fine. If you had a dictionary that showed you a picture of the thing that was the completely opposite of whatever word you were looking up, like if you looked up "left" and it showed you an arrow pointing right, when you would look up "fine" in that magical negating dictionary it would show you a picture of this situation where everything is not fine.

It is agonizing for me to see him in pain. I KNOW he’s in pain…but I can’t do a damn thing. For example, I tried asking him how his day was one day. He told me to not do that, as he admitted he lies about it a lot. However, ignorant me decided to do anyway the next day. He plays it off nicely with the people around us…and then he whispers…”Dude. What did I say yesterday?”
You don’t know how much this hurt. As the year went on, agonizing situations like the one I just described continued, and I lost confidence to help him. Because why wouldn’t I help him. Why I may not be showing his brightest side, Friend 1 is legitimately caring and is fun to be around. He is different—and he is probably bisexual—and he is my best friend. I really do love his quirky nature. But…things have changed for the worst
For one, I’m a very caring person myself. So I’m not just willing to turn a blind eye at his issues, but of course, I’m the type of guy who explained to him that he shouldn’t cut himself when he first told me. I’m really bad at helping people I’ve noticed—plus my nature of saying before thinking REALLY doesn’t help either, because I tend to be really worrisome. But that said, I don’t have any confidence to help him because I don’t want to mess up—so I’m just standing there in class with 80% of my attention towards him. So its EXTREMELY agonizing.
Me and Friend 2 are the type of people who listen. Yes, we may try to give advice like “You should get help” but if Friend 1 tells us that he can’t or whatever, we’ll adjust how we help him. We’re the type of people who emphasize that we’re there for him. But honestly, it feels like he doesn’t even care. I am aware this is because depressed people don’t like talking about their problems, like he rudely told me when I tried to talk to someone who was having a bad day. And honestly, I’ll admit I’m really bad at helping others…but at least I try. And it honestly feels like I don’t matter….
Secondly, my guidance counselor has shed light on my situation—Friend 1 is manipulating me, and so I am now at his emotional bidding. He’s the type of person who goes on an emotional rollercoaster. He can happy one day, and that makes me reconsider my negative feelings toward him. Then either some simply thing happens that make shim pissed, or he just come to school depressed, and then that’s that. I could just sit away from him—he’ll probably encourage it as well if I bring it up—but I would not be able to forgive myself.
And then he’s the type of person who says these types of things: {I got the following from some other website}

When you say: I'm sorry.
What you really mean: I am not very self-confident.

When you say: I'm not pretty
What you really mean: Even though I recognize that I do not fully align with our culture's beauty standards, I think I do a decent enough job of presenting myself as an attractive member of society and would like a little recognition for making the best of my situation and continuing to try and look good unlike all you other fucking slobs.

When you say: I'm an attention whore.
What you really mean: I value the time you pay attention to me, probably more than the average person, but at the same time I recognize that this behavior is frowned upon and I perhaps am too wanting with your attention. That said, while at some level I believe myself to be that which I proclaim I also do not consider myself a serious offender and seek to cut off the idea at the pass by making a self-deprecating remark.

When you say: I'm stupid
What you really mean: I am not an idiot, I am a fairly smart person who in this one instance has made a mistake by speaking without really knowing what I was talking about. That said, because I made this mistake I will be upset with myself for hours and hours, not actually forgiving myself so much as just forgetting that it happened, only to remember it later and feel the same amount of shame and anger at myself, all of this happening over and over again for the rest of time or at least until they invent that memory wiping machine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or something.
[MY GOD. HE SAYS HE’S STUPID FOR THE DUMBEST REASONS…..But what do I know]

When you say: Sorry to bother you.
What you really mean: In fact, I do not see myself as a bother at all but instead am passive-aggressively saying that you should appreciate my efforts to go out of my way to help you in some capacity and because I am not feeling such appreciation I will attempt to guilt you by making it seem as if you have more aggressively rebuked me. Ironically while my initial communique may not have been a bother to you, I recognize that by attaching this pithy guilt trip onto the end of our conversation thus implying your need to feel guilty, I am in fact actually bothering you thus making "Sorry to bother you" a self-fulfilling prophecy.
[On a side note, there have been times when friend 1 has said sorry for bothering me and that ruins my whole entire day. I am that susceptible to guilt tactics]

When you say: No really, I'm okay.
What you really mean: Dear God will someone just fucking love me? Is that so impossible?

When you say: All right.
What you really mean: All right. Probably. Maybe. Not really.

Now imagine me then having to deal with some combination of this, and also be manipulated to the point where my money (giving like $0.50 cents to him every day, but this probably applies to his bulmia) my time, and to some extent my free will. I do not feel confident saying my thoughts because I know he will try to use it to his advantage.

AND THIRDLY, he is a giant hypocrite. I could go on and on about this, so here are a few things
For example, around 10th grade, I talked a lot about my experiences with
bullying. I wasn't trying to have people feel bad for me (even though when they did it was soothing). It was simply something I brought up a lot. Friend 1 at one point tells me after I give him some snappy comment (don’t remember what it was) that I don’t shut up about it. Fair enough point.
Funny, he doesn't shut up about what a terrible person he is. But he is depressed, he deserves leeway.
Then, I notice I got a question wrong on a test where I got a very high score on. I’m not like sad, and I’m not like saying the score I got is bad—I just notice that I got a question wrong because I made a simply mistake. “I couldn't gotten a 100,” I may say. Friend 1 tells me something like “You have no right to complain, because he has a tendency to do fairly bad on things like math., and he barely passes any test. I admit, I have high expectations, and I should be more grateful—this is very understandable. But then, a bunch of people in my class get a 28 on the ACT, the highest grade for the class. He gets a 27, and he complains that it’s a bad grade. I could point him out, but then he’ll just whine even more. SO in the end he always gets his way with me.
So the point I’m trying to make. I've given him a whole lot of leeway, and his BS has gotten to me. I am considering on simply outright leaving him when 12th grade is done, because if I leave him before, I know he’ll try to guilt me whenever I see him. It’s frustrating
And know he’s rubbing off onto me. I’m starting to develop low self-esteem myself, and I’ve been depressed more often because he just keeps getting in my head. In addition, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had to ease this stress, which involves me sort of “twitching,” usually accompanied by a frustrating thought of, say for example, ripping out his head and stomping on it….Violent thoughts like that…
But going back to the original topic…Friend 1 has pretty much made self-esteem an insecurity of mines. Not on my own terms—but for others. For example, Friend 2, my other best friend, has low self-esteem. Yes, he does view himself to be a monster, and yes, he doesn’t like looking himself in the mirror…but he doesn’t do any of the things that Friend 1 does, which is a great relief on my part. That said however, I always get a sort of empty feeling when I think about how he has low self-esteem. I mean, it’s his business how he views himself—why should I care? I shouldn’t care, but for some reason it’s something that bothers me—not to the point of anxiety or stress, but still something that, for lack of better terms, is really iffy for me.
Because while I am aware that low self-esteem is not always to the point that Friend 1’s is, I’m at the point where I put a lot of focus on peoples’ self-esteem. And this sucks, because when I first meet a person, the 1st thing I notice about them should not be their self-esteem. Not that low self-esteem makes me anxious or anything, but it’s not something I’m really happy to encounter.
Now, for anyone wondering, I am convinced there is a reason why all of this is causing me so much stress—And I’m not blaming Friend #1. Something in me would be the culprit. I am taking therapy in hopes of dealing with my violent thoughts, my issues with getting manipulated easily, and trying to see what’s wrong with me…if anything,
I will say my own insecurity may be the reason why this is giving me so much stress in my life. I’ve been bullied throughout my life, manipulated throughout my life, and have had some tough times making friends before 11th grade. My family is very supportive of me at least, and they always have. However, I am now questioning whether or not insecurity controls my whole life. In short, my opinions are very easily swayed, I get very guilty if I disappoint someone, and things like that. I also like to make people happy, but I’m questioning whether or not this is simply an unconscious desire to have everyone like me…
I’m not a person who has low self-esteem naturally. Typically, I’m actually a very happy who loves himself. But its times like this that really get on me, but I’m trying my very best to get through it…so yeah. This is my struggle pretty much….so yeah.

All I ask you guys are really your comments on this. Just curious on what you guys think on my situation, and if you have any suggestions just in general you think I should consider.

Thanks guys for reading. Sorry this was so long, I understand that you might fallen asleep with this—I have a tendency to write a lot. But nonetheless, thanks a lot guys
   
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Re: [LONG POST] A traumatizing person in my life, and how I've been affected. - August 26th 2014, 12:56 AM

Hey there,

It can be hard when a friend in your life is dealing with things like depression but that does not give them the right to treat you badly. Sometimes the best thing you can do in situations like this is to take a step back from the relationship. I know that might be hard to do but it seems like this is a semi-toxic relationship and those are never healthy to be in.

You could suggest that your friend get counseling but from what you have said it doesn't sound as though he would be all that open to that. However, in the long run, counseling would be the best thing for him. Friends and family can be there to offer a person support but when they are struggling with such intense emotions and with some of the other issues you mentioned counseling would do him a lot more good because he would be able to work on figuring out what is causing him to want to harm himself and, hopefully, work on coming up with positive coping skills from all of this.

You could try talking to your friend and explaining how you feel about everything. Let him know that you appreciate his friendship but sometimes you feel like he doesn't treat you all that great. Let him know that you would like to see your guys friendship work (if that is what you want) and go from there. If talking to him does no good or you don't feel comfortable in doing so then I honestly don't think there would be anything wrong with taking a step back from the relationship. You have to think about your own mental health as well.

I hope this helped and if you want to chat please feel free to message me.


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Re: [LONG POST] A traumatizing person in my life, and how I've been affected. - August 26th 2014, 01:10 AM

Thanks for the reply and the welcoming response. Just to let you know, he has taken counseling, but from what I can tell it has not helped much...but I'm not sure.

Also, on the subject on talking to him about it, at this point, I'm honestly not so towards it. As much as I care for him, at this point going back and trying to talk to him about this situation would just have alot of complications.

For one, my mind has tossed and turned over him so much that I honestly find it difficult to try to see him as a true friend. This is very unfortunately for me, but I'm just not sure about it. That said, I've done my own share of lying to him--not to spite him, but rather to look after myself.

Secondly, I'm not sure how he would take it. For one, he could take it very maturely. But he could also take it in that he feels VERY guilty about/ just use the situation as one where he would guilt me. Plus, as I've said, social interactions when it comes to this type of stuff are not really my forte. Heck, even my friend 2 is frustrated with friend 1. But again, this is all not set in stone and my guidance counselor has suggested this to me in the past...simply, at least for right now, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of it.
   
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Re: [LONG POST] A traumatizing person in my life, and how I've been affected. - August 27th 2014, 04:50 AM

If he has done counseling it is possible that he has not found the right counselor. Different counselors work differently for different people. However, from what you have said I don't know if he would take your suggestion of trying to find a counselor that fits with him to heart.

If you don't think that talking to him would be beneficial then I think the best thing you can do is to set some boundaries within the relationship and when the time is right step away. From everything that you have described to me the relationship sounds toxic and toxic relationships do nothing but bring a person down. I know you might feel like you should stay in the friendship because of everything that he is going through. However, you can't fix your friend, he has to be willing to make the changes himself. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself just to make your friend happy.

I really hope this helped and please feel free to message me.


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Re: [LONG POST] A traumatizing person in my life, and how I've been affected. - August 30th 2014, 07:04 AM

I'm going through something similar too. My best friend thinks it's okay to be snappy and make rude remarks about me because she's depressed and she doesn't give a poop about how her words can affect other people.
   
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