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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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ac135 Offline
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Name: Maddy
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Question I think I hate my dad - October 1st 2014, 05:57 PM

Hey guys

Okay, so I'm really in a crisis, and I don't know what to do. Or think.

Umm.. basically, I wish that it was okay to hate my dad. When I was younger I always wanted him to treat me like my six brothers, so I'd do whatever it took for him to talk to me. But.. that kind of failed. He doesn't talk to anyone unless it's about things he has an interest in. The only time he came to even one of my soccer games was when I showed interest in joining Civil Air Patrol, which was something he and my brothers all did. When I decided I didn't want to, he ignored me like before.

Now that I'm older I don't want anything to do with him, and I don't even consider him as my dad, since he's never had anything to do with my life, aside from providing a home, food, etc.
But now, he's trying to act like I'm 'daddy's little girl'. I rarely see him, but if he drives me somewhere, he'll occasionally say something like, "So how was your day", or when I go to work, "Do you like working there?" And once he thought I was crying, so he put his hand on my head for a second and asked me what was wrong.

I know it's wrong of me, but it really disgusts me when he touches me, or talks to me, especially since he treats me like a ten year old. So bad that I want to punch him, and I literally shiver when I think about it. I haven't even hugged him in years, but now he seems to think that it's okay to skip past the bonding-part of my life, and act like a dad, if that's what you can even call this. Like I said, it's definitely not right that I should hate him, when he's never actually done anything, but I can't help him. This eventually led to self-hate, since I thought that I was horrible for resenting him for nothing.

If anyone can help, that'd be great. I don't talk to him, so I kind of would ignore anything about talking to him or anything, sorry... It's just how my family works. I think that what I really want is a way to stop hating him, or something..

Oops, forgot to say that thanks to him not being a part of my life, I'm constantly wishing that a male would give me attention. Kind of disturbing, but I don't mean it romantically or anything. And it doesn't help that the one person I look up to is great with teens, but he just hangs out with boys, like my dad. Still, I do look up to him a lot :P

Sorry for the long post! And thanks in advance!
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: I think I hate my dad - October 1st 2014, 08:00 PM

Hey Maddy!

First off, I want to say that whatever feelings you have for your dad, are yours and yours alone. No-one can tell you how you should or shouldnít feel.

It is ok to have a dad and to not feel Ďcloseí to him. I have a similar relationship with my mum- I feel that she never paid much attention to me, and was never there for me when I needed her, but wants me to listen to her now that Iíve grown up.

Itís not wrong of you to feel uncomfortable when he touches you or tries to talk to you, especially since you havenít had a good relationship with him to start off with. Iím the same with my mum, and I get angry about it. But in the end, it doesnít do any good to get angry.

The fact that heís Ďnever actually done anythingí is possibly the reason for why you feel so strongly against him. He has never hurt you, but he was never there for you either. Itís natural to feel lots of different feelings when physically, your dad is around, but at the same time, you havenít emotionally bonded together. You are not horrible for feelings this way, so please donít hate yourself!

Itís possible that there may have been factors in your dadís life that might have influenced how he treats you, or he simply doesnít Ďgetí how to form an emotional bond with you (and perhaps your brothers tooÖif your brothers only got attention when they did something he was interested in, what about the times when they had different interests?)

What helped me deal with my mum, was to just listen to whatever she was saying, respectfully, and then take my mind of it by listening to music. If she got me angry, I would rant about it in a diary. I think itís best if we remember that our parents are only human and they have flaws too. When we remember this, itís easier to let go of feelings. You donít have to get closer to your dad, if you donít want to, but dealing with the feelings is definitely a good idea. Getting angry about it doesnít help, so perhaps find ways of expressing your emotions healthily and safely? Try talking to a friend, or writing feelings down, or be creative such as drawing. Going for a walk also helps to get rid of anger. Also, try to keep yourself busy so you arenít thinking of your dad as much. If you find that the feelings build up and you feel worse over time, perhaps talk to a counsellor? They can help deal with your feelings towards your dad too. I know you donít want to hear it, but I have seen it given as advice online before, that sometimes talking about how you feel to your dad, might be a good idea. I havenít done this with my mum, and Iím not suggesting you do it either, but that option is always there, both now and in the future.

Lastly, it is completely normal that you are wishing for an older male to give you attention. I have done this, looking for mother figures. It is a natural response to the lack/not good relationship with a parent. It can be good to have an older male role model in your life, to make up for what you missed. However, be careful. Sadly, some guys may try to take advantage if you look up to them, and people may make wrong judgements, so always look after yourself. Do you have any other male relatives you could get closer to? They may be a safer option to get close to.

All the best and P.M me if you need to!
   
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