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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
It's_Only_Me Offline
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Unhappy Family Problems; Don't Know What To Do Anymore? - October 6th 2014, 09:33 PM

I'm not one for sharing my life story on the internet, but I don't know what to do anymore with the problems I'm having with my family...So I suppose I'll just let it all out. Thank you far in advance to anyone who can give me any advice!

I was born for two reasons when it comes to my family's reasoning: 1.) To get back at my father/make him stay with my mother and 2.) One last try for a boy. I was ignored most of my life and seen as a nuisance by my mother, father, and older sister; constantly getting yelled at even though I was a quiet kid who tried to stay out of the way. Years passed and my older sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour and my family more or less dropped me off at the first place that would take me. I spent about 3 months going from one home to another until I ended back up with my mother. During those three months I had little to no contact with my family.

When I went back to live with my mother I was still ignored. I was constantly compared to my sister when I was noticed; I wasn't smart enough, I didn't do this or that blah blah blah, who doesn't go through that I guess? I became my own person and I am radically different from my family - you'd really have to meet my family and then me to see. I never seek conflict and actually hate it, but it always seems to find me. I'm a quiet introverted person, and a very happy person AWAY from my family. I began to make friends overseas and some close friends at school and it was all pretty good - until my mother divorced my father (who never lived with any of us once in their 21 years of marriage, so no one really cared or saw anything different, he was never around before nor after that) and married "the stepmonster".

To this day because of the things he did to me I can never be in the same room as he is. Just thinking about him makes me physically ill and depressed...I got severely depressed in 5th grade and tried to commit suicide twice; thankfully I failed twice, but I thought about suicide daily. My mother never believed he was a bad person, my older sister worships him - he can do no wrong. After 7 grueling years of being yelled at, stared lustfully at, and other things that I don't feel comfortable talking about, I finally moved out.

Long story short, after some pulled teeth I moved in with my father and his spouse. Everything seemed to be manageable until recently. Of course every family has their own problems, so they'd yell at each other over the littlest things (hotdogs not being made right, dishes not being washed the way such and such washes them, etc) and still do. Now, I do freelance work for children's books and have another part-time job on top of being a full time college student; this means I have a lot to do during the week (and even the weekends) so I have a crazy schedule. Because of this, I like to have time to myself when I get the chance by reading a book or drawing my own stuff or what have you. I also have a few friends overseas (and thanks to those pesky timezones we can't talk often at all) and when I get the chance to talk to them, I DO! It's normally through apps like "Telegram" or "WhatsApp" so it seems like I'm texting my friends here all the time...

The day before yesterday my stepmother chewed me out for being rude and texting during Doctor Who, which I sometimes watch with my father on Saturday nights. I made a joke (that even my father took as a joke, though made snide comments about afterwards) about them talking during the entire show. She said it was her house and it was rude of me to say anything about it. She told me to do the dishes correctly and do the counters when I was done with that, and stormed off. Yeah, it stung, yeah, I cried while doing the dishes and counters. But I thought maybe she was just in a bad mood and let it go.

Fast forward to yesterday morning - I had to go to a friend's house to work on a college project. My stepmother again, pulls me down on her bed and yells at me about how I'm not respecting my father. She told me I need to spend time with him because he wasn't allowed to when I was younger (which is a blatant lie, trust me I know al sides of the story). She said I was being rude by going into my room and doing nothing in my room all day (freelancing, which I've told them about SEVERAL times, even showing them the contracts) and texting during the past two episodes I watched with my father. This is coming from a woman who spends more than 12 hours a day playing an MMORPG game - meaning she's only around for mealtimes SOMETIMES. She then finished her solo yelling match with "You need to learn to respect others and their feelings and stop thinking of just yourself."

I learned from an early age to take everything said to you - no matter how angry it makes you, even if you know it isn't true, yelling ALWAYS makes things worse. So I sat there both times in silence, just said; "yes ma'am" "I understand" when appropriate. I feel like the only reason I'm still allowed to stay at their house is because they want to flaunt me to friends and family about how they "won" me from my mother. To note, they haven't paid ANYTHING of mine - both are technically unemployed, I buy my own food, I never ask for spending money, etc. My mother has actually begun to try and build a relationship with me and it's going good - I feel bad though because she wants to keep me on her insurance, pay my gas bills, phone bill, food bill, even the tuition my scholarships can't cover when my father said he would. I'm extremely humbled and feel like the luckiest person in the world to have ANYONE in my life paying for all this, really...but I'm getting off track.

I'm looking for a new place to live and need advice on how I handle this? I'm tired of being talked down to (I never retaliate, so I guess I let them walk all over me), not being respected, not being able to live as an adult (Not being questioned about where I was until 17:00 when they know good and well I have a job), being lied to around every corner...I may sound like a complaining teenager, but it's not about money or "I'm 18, therefore I'm an adult, so I want to stay out and party until 3:00am!" or anything like that. My friends' parents hate my family and have had to tell me I'm a good person - I never stay out late, I never talk back, I never ask for money (I've given money to both sides of my family not expecting it back), I never cause trouble - heck, I worked my butt off to get into the Honours Program in college and took as many classes as I could handle just to make EVERYONE in my family happy. I made all A's in high school, didn't ask for a car or a phone, nothing. I just can't handle conflict like this much anymore. I think about suicide on and off now and I don't know if I'm as strong as I was not to do something, but at the same time I know I wouldn't? I'm a big advocate against it. I respect myself as a person now and I know I'm going to do great things if I just don't let them drag me down. I just don't know how to do that anymore? It could ALWAYS be worse, but it doesn't make the pain me hurt any less.

I'm sorry if it seems I'm some rude little wombat, I've just been so stressed recently, and I almost never talk about my "sob story" and I come off as rude when I do talk about it I think. I'm really desperate for any advice I can get, thank you so so so much to anyone who read all this and/or gives me advice!
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Incompris Offline
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Re: Family Problems; Don't Know What To Do Anymore? - October 7th 2014, 12:46 AM

You don't sound rude or spoiled or anything like that. You sound stressed and fed up, and you should be. However I'm not sure what kind of advice you want, sounds to me like you just need to vent, and there is nothing wrong with that.

You sort of spoke about your relationship with your father, but it sounds like right now the problem is his wife. Are you close enough with him to be able to talk to him about all this? Maybe he doesn't know how stressed out you are and how you really feel. Perhaps he can speak to his wife about being more respectful.

If you can't talk to him, I would encourage you to move out. If you make enough money to afford an apartment, you should do it. You don't need all this negativity in your life. If you can't afford to move out, however, don't do it. Debt is hard to get out of.

Finally, stop doing things to please everyone else. You need to worry about you and only you. You're 18 years old and need to be selfish at this point in your life. Don't take to heart any negative comments and worry about keeping you happy. You seem like a strong person and I'm sure you can make it through this.

We were made to be courageous.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think itís more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Donít you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

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Red face Re: Family Problems; Don't Know What To Do Anymore? - October 7th 2014, 02:18 AM

Hey, thanks for the reply, it means a lot someone listened.
I'm a bit daunted at the thought of trying to get anyone to listen to me in my family though. I live in an area where the rent more than $1500 for a one bed room apartment, and single rooms cost $700...I really can't afford to move out, so I think I'll just do my best and try to stay away at friend's homes as much as possible. I hope something will work out soon for me, thank you again for the reply, I really appreciate it!
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Family Problems; Don't Know What To Do Anymore? - October 7th 2014, 11:00 AM

Hey there,

Welcome to TeenHelp!

Itís good to let out all your feelings sometimes, especially if you donít know what to do. Iím glad you found it a bit helpful to let it all out, even if you arenít one for sharing your thoughts online.

Iím sorry to hear about how you have been treated. No one deserves that at all. It must have been hard when your sister had a brain tumour, but that is still no reason for how you were treated. I know how you feel- I was the quiet kid, staying out of the way, but always the one in trouble too.

Iím glad that you have become your own person (Iím still trying to do that!) and feel better away from family. I think that getting away from it all, is definitely helpful and beneficial for you.

What your step dad did to you was wrong, and unfortunately, disbelief can be a common reaction. Have you been dealing with this on your own? If it still bothers you, I think counselling can help. Or at least talking about it (if you feel comfortable enough) to others (including us on TH!).

Your schedule sounds so busy! It must be quite stressful trying to deal with everything. But I completely agree that you need time to yourself and time to relax and Ďde-stressí. You do freelance work for childrenís books? That sounds awesome! Iím hoping to get on a teacher training course next year, so I quite like childrenís books

Also, sorry to hear about how your stepmother is treating you. I wouldíve had the same reaction and I would be doing the same as you: keeping out of the way and avoiding conflict. I agree with Chandler, is it possible for you to talk about this with your dad? I was going to say that some people have a wrong idea about introverts being Ďstuck upí and not wanting anything to do with others. Obviously, thatís not the case but when I carried on reading and you said that your step-mother plays MMORPGs all day, I thought thatís a bit hypocritical and maybe sheís harbouring regrets of her own and avoiding things. Still doesnít make it right about the way she is treating you though. How is your relationship with your dad? Perhaps you could get him to explain to her that you are busy?

You are right: yelling makes things worse. I would suggest calmly explain things whenever an argument starts cropping up, but then from what you have said, it doesnít sound like it would help much. I think trying to avoid it, for the time being, is good. On that note, since you are just Ďtaking ití, how is your self-esteem? If you are constantly being talked down to, it may affect how you view and feel yourself. In this case, try to remind yourself of the positive qualities you have and how far you have come. I think, in the future, you should try to stand up for yourself (I would love to do this too) as you have no right to be treated the way that you have been, but I understand that you donít want to cause any trouble.

Iím glad that you are looking for a new place to live! Have you tried writing down your feelings? I think this is a great way of getting all that emotion out of your system, instead of holding it in. If you feel angry, perhaps punching a pillow can help. Keep reminding yourself that you wonít have to live there long. I think if you feel suicidal, you should talk to someone. We have a list of people you can talk to: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t3496-who-can-help-me/ along with reasons to live: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t272-reasons-live/ and a list of hotlines: http://www.teenhelp.org/hotlines/

I also agree with Chandler, in the sense of you should be a bit more selfish. You need to put your needs first. With regards to moving out, I definitely agree with staying at friends, if you canít afford your own place yet. Is it possible to rent a place with a few friends? This can lower the cost. Is there any financial aid you can get? Or any public services that can help with housing and accommodation? Since you are in college, could you talk to a guidance counsellor about your situation? They may be able to help you.

You are not a complaining teenager at all. You sound like a very intelligent, mature, responsible and hardworking young adult, who has been through some tough times but has come out fighting! I could take a leaf out of your book! You are also not a rude little wombat- you should try to stop talking down to yourself.

Hope things get better for you soon! You are so strong! Donít forget, you are always welcome to rant on TeenHelp!

Take care

HelpLINK and Live Help Officer
Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3

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