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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Friends for years then majorly screwed up - August 2nd 2015, 02:52 AM

So my best friend and I have been friends for about 6 years. We became great friends in school and stayed friends all through university. At the beginning of this year though we had a huge falling out - we had never fought or even had a disagreement before this (she is terrified of confrontation). I had expressed my upset at feeling like she was never there for me when I had been for her (in my head, I saw it like this but really she was there just not in a way I realised at the time - I didn't realise this till much later). She took this as me telling her she was a bad person and I didn't realise, so slowly over the last 8 months we stopped talking altogether. I just thought she was busy.

In the last couple of weeks I found out why she had stopped talking to me and I sent her a lengthy message with my heartfelt regrets. She responded explaining how much I had hurt her. Somehow, this still wasn't enough for me. I don't know why but I became really mad that she had left it so long to say anything and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have and didn't even mean, because part of me wanted to hurt her the way I was hurting.

That was almost 4 weeks ago, I tried to apologise for what I had said but it was pretty hurtful. She didn't want to see me so I told her I wanted to be friends again but I would leave it up to her to take the next step. 3 weeks have now passed in silence.

I don't know whether I should try and talk to her or if I need to give her more time. I want to keep my word that I will leave it for her to make the next move. This is hurting me so much, but I don't know if its a lost cause or if I need to do something.

Please help. Even stories/outcomes of similar situations would be great.
   
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Re: Friends for years then majorly screwed up - August 2nd 2015, 05:09 PM

I haven't really fought with any of my friends for a while. But, when I did, I was sensitive to everything and I eventually tried to put my feelings aside and try to understand my friend's perspective and that helped a lot.

You said your friend was there for you, just in a way you didn't realize. And you also said that you were trying to hurt her in the way you were hurting. I know you apologized, but did you tell her these things? If you haven't, that's something you could consider.

If you do speak to her again and she says some things that you don't like, try to see it in her perspective. And, if you get upset, I think you should walk away for a little while so you have time to cool down so you won't risk saying anything you'll regret.


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Re: Friends for years then majorly screwed up - August 10th 2015, 06:54 AM

I haven't tried speaking to her since... A mutual friend recommended that she just needed time and space. I just don't know much time to give her. I really hurt her so I don't know if trying to initiate a conversation will just make things worse.. I did try and tell her these things but apparently that just made it more overwhelming and it was probably too soon after the fight. I don't know what to do.
   
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Re: Friends for years then majorly screwed up - August 10th 2015, 02:36 PM

I actually had a similar problem with one of my friends but in this case I played the part of your friend. Like I'd say something, and she'd totally lose it on me, and it was over things where she was reading things into it and I was actually just being helpful or just trying to explain something to her. She was making me out to be this mean, thoughtless person and refusing to listen to why that wasn't even true and how I should think about my actions. But I'd tell other people about what she was claiming I had done wrong and asking if she was right and I found no one who would agree that maybe I had been insensitive without meaning too, she was basically reading things into my tone or language that never existed and freaking out. I hate confrontation and she wouldn't bloody well leave it alone and that just made it worse. We finally talked about it and she realized how she had blown things out of proportion, but I needed time to just sort of get over it I guess. The problem is that her behaviour is an ongoing problem for me, so yes, I forgave her and we still talk nowadays, but I do it reluctantly. For the last year I have felt obligated to her and I am waiting for a certain date where I don't have to keep her so close. Even though I forgave her, I don't think things can be the same any more and I can't really forgive her for treating me like the bad guy and victimizing herself like a friggin baby, and she still always makes everything about her.

I mean, it's different but similar. I think if you really take responsibility for what was your part to play in the problem ,that could go a long way.

Also, it might help to carefully reach out but without touching on the problem. She might get uncomfortable and not know how to reach out to you, but don't rush it - give her a few weeks if she needs it.

I hate to say it, but much like my friend and I, the damage might be done. But what can ya do, right? All you can do is try your best to repair your friendship. For now, if she needs time, she may as well have it.




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