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BreathingIn Offline
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Mom always asks me for money - October 11th 2015, 03:48 AM

Ever since I had my first part time job at 19 years old, my mom has been asking me for money. The summer of my first job I handed her everything I made. Yes, just handed her my entire paycheck because she said she needed it.

She doesn't "need" it. She just wants it. She always finds reasons to spend money. She'll suddenly "need" more food for the kitchen, a new top, cigarettes, gas, church collection, etc...

Now that I'm a few years older, I'm beginning to say NO. When I deny her money, she screams at me and swears, calling me horrible names and making me feel like an awful person for not giving her what she wants.

Then she gives me the silent treatment and won't speak to me all day, sometimes even into the next day.

She has a problem with needing to spend money. She spends my dad's paychecks until they're gone. She usually pays the bills first, but spends the rest on I don't even know. It just disappears. She's not a shop-aholic. She just spends too much on things. She'll buy a $50 tshirt at Macy's instead of $20 somewhere else. She'll spend the rest of our money at the grocery store even when she gets the things we do need. She'll buy extra food.

I can't let her have any more money because I'm at the age where I should be moving out. But I can't because (you guessed it) I don't have any money. I work 2 part time jobs, even though I'm a college grad, and I'm trying to save to go on a trip next summer, all while paying my personal bills. I can't even get myself a car.

I don't know how to not let her yelling and degrading get to me. I will not give her money because she does not need it. How can I not let it get to me?
   
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Re: Mom always asks me for money - October 11th 2015, 05:18 AM

I bet saying no to your mom is really hard but I'm so glad you're standing up for yourself. Some people will try to be manipulative and they'll guilt trip you when you don't give them what you want. I believe that's what your mom is trying to do by calling you names and giving you the silent treatment. You said those remarks make you feel like a horrible person and that is how she's trying to make you feel. When she starts talking to you like that, just remember that you've done the right thing in saying no. Remind yourself that she's trying to guilt trip you and take those feelings of being manipulated and turn those into feeling empowered for doing the right thing.


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Re: Mom always asks me for money - October 11th 2015, 05:21 AM

Hey there.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like a tough and upsetting situation. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself though.

Honestly, giving your mother money is a nice thing to do and I don't suggest you stop giving her money altogether. Just set boundaries, you know? You seem like you want to help your mom out by helping her pay for things that she may need or want but you shouldn't have to give away all of your earnings especially since you are trying to save up to move forward in life. Perhaps you could talk to her about this and explain what you are trying to do financially and maybe start giving her less you usually give her and gradually go down from there? And/or you could educate her on smarter shopping techniques by showing her around for her to see the better prices she may get elsewhere.

Is there a way to help her see this situation from your point of view? Maybe explain how frustrating it is for you. Let her know that you don't mind helping her out when she needs help but you're currently trying to save up for things too and that it's really hurtful when she yells at you due to wanting to put back a bit of your money for personal reasons. Your mom needs to understand that it isn't okay for her to call you such horrible names and treat you that way simply because you aren't giving her money. What about spending quality time with her instead? Do things with her that will allow you two to bond without spending lots of money. Hopefully she'll come to realize that a close mother and daughter relationship matters a lot more than whether or not you give her money.

Helping out family - especially your parents is a wonderful thing. Parents do a lot for their children and it's nice to be able to give back in a way. I don't suggest you stop helping your mom out altogether, just stop for now until she treats you better and goes about this in a more respectful way. And if you do give her money, do your best to limit how much you give her so that you are still able to save for your personal goals like a car and this trip you are wanting to go on. I realize that her yelling at you and calling you horrible names would hurt; it'd hurt anyone but just know that your reasons for not giving her your whole paycheck is understandable. Wanting to save money is responsible and I think it's wrong of her to yell at you for not giving her money. Standing up for yourself is perfectly okay as you shouldn't have to simply be okay with guilt-tripped into giving your money to her.

Hope this helped some and I also hope your situation improves soon. Take care and hang in there.
   
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