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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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my parents don't want me to move? - October 28th 2015, 01:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am not 100% sure this thread belongs here, but it's about family issues... feel free to move it if it's necessary. I'm sorry it's so long, but it's 2am and I'm going crazy. I've probably missed some parts too...

Long story short, I live in italy, but I've wanted to move to London since I was more or less 12 years old. I've always been quite open about that, but I guess my parents weren't taking me seriously, because, you know, I was only 12.
I am 19, legally an adult, and I am not in school anymore, but I still live with my parents, because I can't find a job, and yes, I still want to go live in London.
As I said, my parents never took my intention seriously, but both of them, especially my mother, said they want me to be happy. Let's say I have made up my mind in 2014, when the school year was about to finish and I decided to actually open up about my serious intention and... nothing. Yeah, the good old "if that's what makes you happy, then go for it" kind of support. It did feel kinda reassuring back then, I was still in school and I hadn't talked about it for a quite long time. But I have brought it up a few times lately and it seems like they just don't want to help me.
Just so you know, I don't know why I wanted to leave so badly when I was 12, but I know why I need to leave now. Except that I've never truly felt at home here, nor accepted, nor understood... I sometimes get the feeling I'm speaking to a wall when I'm speaking to my parents. I thought I should mention that when I think of my father, these two episodes come to mind: first, 10-year-old me, sitting in a chair, eating dinner and talking about I don't remember what, when I say something about my best friend I probably shouldn't have said, and my father saying that she hates her, she has a bad influence on me, she's a bitch; second, 16-year-old me, hospitalised for depression and self harm, just found out that my parents' lack of interest towards me is what caused my mental health issues, hearing him say how great my sister is and how I lack coordination and that I would be a great dancer if I had my sister's coordination.
Mainly, this place to me is just suffering: it's depression, anxiety, grieving, self harm... I could go on honestly. All I want is to strt again and to make my dreams come true.
My father's a bit more pragmatic, so when I told them I wanted to move, he just said "well, see how you can find a job and a house, how the health system works, etc...". My mother just went "I don't know how to help you". Well, I found a website where I can find a flatmate and another one for finding a job: turns out they don't trust the internet and that they want me to live with someone I know. Great, right?
I understand they're worried about my safety, I really do, but if I were to bring up this whole "I want to start again" thing, they'd call it BS and dismiss me with a "stop being so stubborn" - I am stubborn, and a lot of other not so pretty things, but you wouldn't believe how stubborn my father is. The only difference is that I know I am and I admit it, he just thinks he's always right.
Anyway, I've spoken to my music teacher about this (he got me talking about it, he knows what I've been through) and it triggered this anger that I can't contain anymore. I am so overwhelmed by feelings these days. I can't take any more. I'm still living in a place I hate, with people I don't exactly like. Also, I have this enormous fear that none of my dreams will come true, which makes my anxiety go crazy. I don't doubt my abilities, just so you know, but nothing good has ever happened to me, I really don't see why it should change. I'm mediocre and I am tired of being mediocre. I already feel like I have very few chances... I know I'll have half as many if I stay here and every day that goes by and I don't do anything is a nightmare and when I go to bed all I can think of is that I've wasted another day and the fact that my parents aren't helping me out of it isn't making it better. It's like suddenly they've gone full "we want you to be happy, but not like that" and I think I am starting to break. I know they want me to be safe, but my mother herself said it hurts her to know I'm unhappy here, but all they're both doing is trying to make me love this place instead of helping me find my way. They don't understand they're making it worse and I do not know how to deal with everything anymore. I will not sleep in the bed where I used to fucking cut myself, or in the house where my father's put me down, or my mother left me alone, in the same damn place where my friend has died. I will not live in the town where I have seen nothing but sorrow, not any more. I am fucking tired of it.


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the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
   
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Re: my parents don't want me to move? - October 28th 2015, 02:55 AM

Hey, Serena!

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this, Serena. It saddens me to know all you've dealt with. Losing your friend and dealing with self-harm and depression issues among family issues... no wonder you want to start again. I understand why you'd want to now especially, not counting that you've wanted to live in London for years even before all these negative events. When you want something badly that you know will increase your happiness, it is impossible to fully let go of and you know what? You shouldn't have to. I've seen what a caring person you are simply based off your posts here. I want you to be happy but safe also.

Living with someone you don't even know via the internet is kind of risky but I know you want to go after your dreams. I understand both sides of this, both yours and your parents. You want to live in London and you are taking action to chase your dreams - admirable; your parents love you, want you to be happy but also safe - understandable and caring of them. Hopefully compromises can be met so all of you are content with the idea.

Would you be able to talk to your parents about this more in detail for possible compromises? Say, if you used the website to find a flatmate, do you have a way to get to know this person beforehand and have your parents ask whatever questions they may have to this person? I was going to suggest that you video chat with the person you plan to live with and ask for their permission if it'd be okay for your parents to talk to this person. You can clarify that the reason is because your parents want you to be safe therefore knowing who their daughter will be moving in with. I imagine a good, kind person would be understanding and comply to that. After all, they are willing to have someone they don't know move in with them so I bet they'd be willing to get to know that person's parents on a basic level.

Secondly, would your parents feel better if they could visit? Maybe you could arrange for them to visit every now and then if it isn't extremely costly so that they are able to check up and make sure you're okay for their own reassurance along with maintaining a relationship with you. You could also agree to call, video chat and text them everyday so they won't worry too much. They will always worry to a certain degree though because you're their child and you always will be. They love you and wanna help you be happy but safe too.

Is there anyone you know (friend, neighbor or family member) that may be going to a college in London that could accompany you and/or that you could live with? Do you know anyone who lives in London that you are close friends with here on TeenHelp? If so, you can reassure your parents that you have a friend in London who you might hang out and who would be around with for extra safety. They may not be okay with that since they don't trust the internet but it's just an idea since you'd already know this person fairly well even if not in person.

Being in a whole new environment with new people and new experiences could be really good for you or completely the opposite. You never know until you try. Living in London is something that you've wanted for a long time and you believe you'll be happier there. Since you do, I say go for it. You could always move back if you aren't happy there or if anything prevents you from settling in. You're stubborn but you're persistent in pursuing your dreams. This might take time in having your parents adjust and helping them become okay with the idea. They'll need time but don't give up. Let them know you really want this and would really appreciate their assistance and support. Ask if they have any ideas on helping you with settling in somewhere in London. You are doing so well in terms of communication so keep that up. Let them know your feelings and don't be afraid to ask them for help.

Not sure if this was helpful but I hope it was. I hope you are able to find a place to move to and are able to pursue your dreams with the support of your parents while remaining close to them in regards to your relationship with them. I wish you the best of luck. Chase your dreams and happiness, Serena. Nothing worth it is easy so try not to be discouraged even if it takes longer than expected. Focus on how great it will be when you are able to experience London. You can do this.
   
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Re: my parents don't want me to move? - October 28th 2015, 03:18 PM

I have asked them if they can help, and all they've said is they don't know how to.
You pointed out that we must not lose conctact, and of course we won't. I mean, they've done bad things, but they are my parents and I haven't stopped loving them, especially my mother (she's been really supportive when I was depressed - sometimes she's done the wrong thing, but I can't blame her, it was a difficult time for everyone). I was already planning on texting them often (if not every day, once every two days, you know? I know my mother's really apprehensive), and also I have a younger sister who will not let me live a day without a text message or call, she's already told me.
I think the idea of talking to my flatmate would be good, but the problem is I'm the only one who's fluent in English: my mother can say a couple things, but she wouldn't be able to carry a conversation, mostly because she wouldn't understand the other speaker. As for my father, he can't even pronounce the word 'download' right...


MONACHOPSIS
the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
   
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