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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Can't stand my so-called friend - October 29th 2015, 09:44 PM

My friendship with this one girl has been unraveling for the last year to year and a half, I tried to make excuses for her and justify the way she treated me, but now I just can't.

The problem is that I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. By the time I realized that our friendship was in such poor condition that I really had no place to be up there with her, it was to late for me to back out with out making everything 100 times worse.

I tried SO hard to be the bigger person but the amount of pain and anxiety I felt when ever I dealt with her was leaching over I think. Our friendship was so incredibly toxic. I knew that I wanted to work on gradually cutting her out post-wedding, but that's proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

We live in totally different cities, so fortunately I don't have to worry about refusing to see her.

That said, she keeps texting me. Every time she does, she completely ruins my mood. I immediately feel sooooo anxious, irritable and will likely end up getting upset with my boyfriend for nothing because she makes me feel so awful that I won't even necessarily be reasonable right after talking to her.

DO NOT TELL ME TO TALK TO HER!!! I can't even begin to describe how that is 100% not an option.

I've never had a friend who has affected my mood that much. I'm at the point where I definitely do not want to have people in my life who make me feel that horrible. My problem is that I also suck at shutting people down. I suck at being like "I don't want to talk to you, please go away", and I tend to be really nice to people even when I can't stand them.

The problem is that talking to her about how I feel will not get me anywhere. I have no interest in "repairing" our friendship because our problems go way further back than just this last year or so. It just so happens that they got way worse after she got engaged. I always feel like she's jealous of everyone and constantly tries to compare herself to others and be like "what I'm doing isn't good enough" or "this is why I am better". She has no respect for social boundaries, much less my boundaries. She is incredibly self-absorbed, etc.

The problem is that as much as I have made my mind up about what has to be done, whenever I talk to her I cave and start dishing with her about what ever is happening in life, which obviously won't fix my problem of not wanting to be her friend.

I refuse to talk to her about how I feel because in addition to knowing it won't fix my problem, she'll also refuse to understand the validity of my feelings and will just throw it back and say all the ways I am NOT allowed to feel how I feel. It'll be all "well, yeah, but you did this, so it's really all your fault, I'm the innocent little lamb here." I'm not sure why the fact that I know the unravelling of our friendship being 2 sided means I am not allowed to be upset with her and that I'm not allowed to tell her how I feel, but that's how she operates. Basically, not only will talking to her not change anything, it'll just cause a REALLY REALLY big dramatic situation thats totally not worth the anxiety and potential depression I will feel for a long time afterward just so that I can our friendship right now.

I just don't know what else to do. I've been counting on her sort of feeling the same way, but then she texts me again.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: Can't stand my so-called friend - October 29th 2015, 09:53 PM

I was thinking about just blocking her number for a few weeks, but then I won't know if she texts me and that I really should respond but will never know. That said just seeing her name come up on my phone makes me feel sick.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: Can't stand my so-called friend - October 29th 2015, 10:24 PM


Sounds as you haven't enjoyed the friendship for quite a long time and blocking her or ignoring her won't solve any problems since you don't see any kind of way to repair the root problem of friendship. My view is that it's best to go ahead and end the friendship. It won't be easy but if it's impacting your mood and making you feel this badly then you shouldn't have to feel obligated to continue this friendship.

Since you end up discussing your life rather than your friendship with her when you text or see her, can you prepare an email in advance to send to her? This way you could take time to give thought to what you want to say to her. Explain why you want to end the friendship but not in an argumentative way, just clearly express how you've been feeling and that you don't feel as you can continue a friendship with her. Then you can reassure her in a kind way letting her know you wish her the best in life. Just be honest but be kind so hopefully ending the friendship will go smoother than expected.

Sending an email will prevent you from backing out of this much-needed discussion and will also prevent any interruptions on her part if you were to try and end the friendship in person. I usually do strongly recommend that people end friendships/relationships or have serious discussions in person rather than over the internet because doing so via text is a lot different and denies closure at times. But if you don't feel you can end the friendship with her in person then you should take this method because you shouldn't have to continue a friendship that makes you feel badly. It will just cause you to resent her if you aren't enjoying the friendship but feeling obligated to continue on.

Be sure to explain why your feelings have been hurt and why it led you to the decision to end the friendship. If possible, try to simply explain how it's felt for you rather than making any assumptions for her behavior. This may cause her to begin an argument if she feels as she needs to defend herself. Just include how certain actions of hers have made you feel overtime and reassure her that while you wish her the best of luck in her life, you can't continue this friendship as of now.

Not sure if this helped but I hope it did. Hope you are able to reach a point where both of you are content with a decision. Good luck.
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Re: Can't stand my so-called friend - October 29th 2015, 11:48 PM

There is no way I can talk to her in person since we live many hours apart from each other in different cities.

I'm honestly sort of hoping that I can end the friendship without any kind of confrontation. For one, she occasionally works with my parents, albeit indirectly, and because of where she lives it'd be very awkward for me if she takes it badly (as I know she will) and starts trashing me around town because that's not fair to my family. Second, I don't want to do irreparable damage for the future. If, say in 6+ months, we can occasionally engage in small talk that wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If I 100% cut her off, it'll be even worse. It'll cause a big problem cause she'll probably send ME a long letter in return, and that's after having had her tell me what a horrible friend I am for months (I'm not perfect but she acts like I'm some kind of demon) and I just really don't need more of that. I will do what you suggest if it comes to that, but I'm honestly hoping for a quiet way out.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: Can't stand my so-called friend - October 31st 2015, 06:02 AM

So, I am gonna be honest here and say the only way you can do it quietly is if you set up some boundaries with her when she texts you. That would mean no longer dishing with her about yourself or whats going on and it would mean keeping the conversation simple and to the point. You already said yourself that you are having trouble with this so maybe you should take some time to try and figure out how you can do that to the best of your ability.

There are people that I have to interact with in real life and I don't get along with them that well due to personal things they have done. Well, I have set up boundaries with them and keep the conversation short and to the point. I am never rude to them but I am never overly friendly and I don't make any effort to communicate with them.

If you can't figure out how to do this then I think your next bet is to block her but the likelihood is that she'll figure it out/get mad that you are not messaging her and cause drama. From what we have talked about she seems like the type to cause drama.

So, that leaves you with telling her that you no longer want to be friends. It will be hard and it will be messy (I've done this with two people). But, once you do it you will probably feel better because you won't have to deal with this person anymore. One of the people I had a confrontation with and broke off the friendship was really hostile and she called me out on things and it was difficult. But, I made it through and I felt glad to have gotten it off my chest. I still see her from time to time and it is awkward but we just ignore one another.

You're worried about how ending the friendship will impact your parents. Well, all I can tell you on that one is that your parents probably know you really well and will know that you had good reasons to end the friendship. In all likelihood they will respect you and the decision you made and ignore what this person has to say about you. You could try talking to your parents about this concern and see what they have to say. I am sure that they will want you to do what is best for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but ending a friendship can be difficult. It's never easy. You just have to figure out what you can do to end the friendship and try and do it. You'll figure it out it just might take time.

If you ever want to chat feel free to message me.

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