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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Age: 28
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We both know we're not close any more. Can't I just give up the act now? - November 14th 2015, 08:59 PM

I was so-so friends with this girl for a long time. Then we got way closer about 6 or years ago when I was 17/18. She asked me to be in her wedding and the stuff that happened in that 18 month period basically destroyed our friendship. I was really hoping it wasn't 1 sided so I could be left in peace; considering how hurtful she was to me, if she thought everything was ok I had to admit she was clearly delusional. But post-wedding she kept talking to me all the time despite my hopes she'd stop dredging shit up and just leave me in peace so we could both move on. Apparently that's to much to ask. But today we were talking about someone she's gotten closer to in the last year or so and she made this big thing about "just like you and I aren't close any more, I got closer to this girl blah blah blah..." Like... Ok, again, why does she constantly have to dredge shut up? This conversation literally had nothing to do with my friendship with her and how I basically can't stand her but we're both seeming to try to hold onto something so that we don't totally lose each other, like even though what she said is true, I always feel like I'm being accused of something. I didn't even address that comment because in our friendship, judging by her distorted world view, I am not allowed to be hurt by her behaviour toward me that contributed to our friendship going down hill. She doesn't seem to think she ever does anything wrong. It's NOT a 1sided problem. I just don't get why she won't just let things be and leave me alone. We can be at peace and move on. We both know we don't like each other any more (or that we are "not close" any longer). Why can't she just fucking leave me alone? I'm sick of being the bad guy in her distorted vision of how things went down, so it's hard to stop talking to her when I'd just like to amicably let things go and not be blamed for cutting off the friendship after all the awful things I supposedly did (she seriously has no idea how much she hurt me, while a lot of my supposed evils were her warping little things like she'd ask my opinion on something, so I'd tell her, but if she didn't like my answer she'd be upset, so basically I can't even be me around her, and that affected my behaviour around her, fun right? She's treated many of her supposed best friends this way so I know I'm not alone in being manipulated and hurt by her)

I'm repeatedly told to just "talk to her" but this girl is bordering on being legitimately and psychologically delusional. She will not hear me or respect my feelings as valid so it's a waste of time to even try. Emailing her my feelings is out. Texting is out. Phoning is out. In-person chat is out. If anything involves telling her how I feel any trying to "talk things out", it's not happening. I won't even consider it. I just really need to figure out a path to ease her out peacefully and without any sort of confrontation. Small fluff talk is manageable until she dredges something up. I don't know what else to do to amicably and peacefully just halt a friendship. Every time I think I can forgive her and keep her around as a fluff friend, she dredges something up again and my anxiety sky rockets so I really need this to end.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Always *; November 14th 2015 at 09:53 PM.
   
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Re: We both know we're not close any more. Can't I just give up the act now? - November 15th 2015, 03:36 AM

Hey.

This situation sounds confusing for you not knowing what to do to cause the least conflict. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Communication is important and can help in a lot of cases, but I understand that sometimes it just isn't effective if the other person isn't willing to concur to talking it out or making compromises.

The both of you seem to know the friendship isn't at its best anymore, and that the idea of improvements aren't possible. From what you've described, it sounds as she is a toxic friend. The way she has treated you is certainly not fair to you. However, I don't believe there is a way to end the friendship without at least a bit of drama on her part. You've clearly stated that talking it out is not an option, and it sounds as she'd blame you and make the end of the friendship seem like it is all your fault if you ended it.

My advice is to cut off contact. You two have been friends for a long time but if she is causing anxiety, hurting you and treating you with a lack of respect, then you deserve better. Everyone makes mistakes and causes some sort of conflict, I'm sure you have and apparently she has, but forgiveness and moving on is important to move forward. She doesn't seem to do this, and that's okay because hopefully she will figure out her way later on and see where she went wrong to hopefully see room for improvement.

I realize the thought of her reaction is most likely scary for you, but people who were friends with her receive the same treatment, therefore, they'd understand. I'd like to believe your other friends and others close to you would respect your decision and take your side as well. Just know that she may have a negative reaction and make the situation out to be entirely your fault, but that doesn't make it the truth. You're doing what's best for you and choosing an opportunity to move on. Who knows? Maybe later on in life you will see her again and she might have changed some of her current ways. In the meantime, work on forgiving her and letting go little by little.

Hope this helped some. Keep us updated on how things go for you?
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Re: We both know we're not close any more. Can't I just give up the act now? - November 15th 2015, 01:49 PM

Yeah that helps. It just sucks cause if she was a reasonable person I could tell her to fuck off (or more diplomatically tell her that things aren't working so please just leave me alone) but she's not reasonable. To ignore her and claim to be "busy" (aka I have a life and just don't want to make time for you any longer) is going to be much less painful. If I tell her to eff off, the ensuing fight and drama and her needling at me in the name of "resolution" will last just as long as just shutting her out.

It seriously makes me so angry that she doesn't like me much either any more yet won't shut the hell up. Like I know I don't like her much right now, but I wanted to just work her out of my life over a few months so I could leave our friendship in a place where, if someday she deals with her increasingly obvious severe mental health issues and poor social control, then maybe we can be friends (or friendly) again. And no, having a mental health issue isn't bad, but in her case there is a combination of factors that means that it interferes with her life and relationships negatively . I know ignoring her isn't ideal but it's going to be a better long term solution I think just because of how she is.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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