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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Not_here Offline
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i cant handle this - November 21st 2015, 04:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It is just so hard. So so so hard. I don't even know where to begin. Communicating is really difficult and I'm frustrated. I basically been trying so hard to explain why I felt disrespected. I'm being told I have to build my case. I try to say it. Apparently I'm not being logical. My feelings are wrong, I'm told. My perception is that I'm being disrespected but surprise, it turns out I was "damaging" everyone else.

I really give up. I don't know what to think. I can't remember the fight. I just remember feeling attacked and attempting to explain myself nicely and then more attack. My dad says he was in the room and disagrees my sister was being hostile. That I'm too quick to judge. I don't know. She ended up leaving with her ears closed and went on the computer then bed, while my dad and I fought for hours. Basically me saying I don't want to feel like I constantly have to defend myself. And him saying well my feelings are crazy and I have to use logic. Then I say I'm using my logic and my logic agrees with my feelings that what happened was unfair and disrespectful towards me. And him basically repeating how he thinks I'm wrong. Basically saying I must be having a bad day and can't tell the difference of when someone is hurting me and someone isn't and if I asked my sister whether she was disrespecting me she would have said no, which means she wasn't disrespecting me. I tried to say that it can't be all my fault, we are all responsible, we all took part in the fight. He insists, it is all my doing. He said he bets I can't find anyone in the world who respects me more than she does. I told him I already have. He said yeah go talk to your friends online who lie to you because they have problems and don't know anything. That I make myself out yo be a victim but that by me crying, it won't fool him. That I'm only foolinf myself. He wants to video tape me while I'm crying and screaming to show me how much of a "dictator" I am. I can't control their speech. I have to stop accusing people of being attacked. I have to stop trying to mold people because they're not play dough. They have the right to say what they want. And just because I found it disrespectful doesn't make it so and because he doesn't see what was disrespectful about her actions and he is using logic, I need to fix my logic because there's something wrong with it. Also he kept saying in the real world I have to build my case so he kept telling me to build my case on facts. I tried to but he said she didn't curse or shout and therefore she did not disrespect me. I said it was the attitude she used and he didn't accept that as an answer. It is important he takes me seriously but it just went back and fifth like this. Alsothe way it escalated was so abrupt, I couldn't talk to her like he told me I should have. He said he won't talk to me anymore and that she won't either because it will turn into a fight. They're blaming me for the entire fight. I've come a long way to stand up for myself but then I start yelling because they keep misunderstanding. Then they focus on me yelling instead of how they were misunderstanding me. At one point I said I felt I was being played mind games because how he was getting me into a loop to prove how I'm wrong and how my feelings are inaccurate and saying my feelings are not his or her problems to deal with and I have to work on stop feeling hurt if no one is hurting me. I try telling him but it doesn't work they way, the feeling is there. He tells me so talk to my sister about it.and it just goes in a circle.

I just wish my counselor can actually observe this because I'm at a point where I'm so crushed that I feel unreliable. I don't know what's real and what I'm making up. Maybe I should just kill myself so everyone is happy and no one is bothered by my meltdowns that involve yelling and crying, which according to my dad is disrescpful so I'm being a hypocrite demanding respect when I haven't even earned it. I tried to explain my sister's action was disrespectful too and he said I also am doing it because I'm bored and want attention during the weekend.. now I'm second guessing myself. I need someone to understand because I'm so lost. i tried to build my case but my brsin feels so foggy i dont even remember exact details. He started giving me cold shoulders immediately when things got tough between me and my sister but he continued being normal to my sister. Sunday I explained that silent treatment is very hurtful to me and isn't working because I just feel abandoned like that. He then was very friendly to me this whole week until today when the argument occurred that started out with my sister making side comments while I was talking to my dad. Then both he and my sister gave me cold shoulder then me trying to comprehend all this I am raising my voice and beginning to cry and my oldest sister comes out of nowhere and starts shouting at me to stop fighting. And I get shocked, there wasn't even a fight. It isn't fair I'm being accused etc and that's how it starts. I'm unheard and misunderstood and I can't bear it. I can't bear even more guilt. I get accused if scaring our cat, of hurting him, of ruining the family. I can't stop crying from that thought.

Also thats bad because how do i even work on it in counseling? Also i tried to explain i have a reason for my anger but my dad wont believe me. Also i started to pay attention to ehen im getting upset but apparently thats wrong if i cant find a way to explain the hostility in words. What if im exaggerating? I would be so shocked if im exaggeratinf because i honest to god felt hostility and i was wondering why i deserve that becsuse when i try to stand up for jyself i get all these justifivations. I should have talked to her and been kind to her? How do i do that when i feel threatened? I keot saying that all the burden is being placed on me. When i talked about it with my counselor and he also thought so i onky felt half better because now that i knew that truth, how do i explain it and get tsken seriously? It is so painful knowing the truth but thrn having 4 people all uour immediate family telling me im discredible. I am starting to yhink i sonehow fooled my counselor. My dad says im biased. I said every human is biased but he hated that answer and we fought more. I basically begged him to believe me. But he just won't because I can't prove it in a way he agrees. And that stings so badly.

Nothing can be done about this. I can't ignore my oldest sister and I can't talk nicely to my youngest sister. My dad told me my sister was extremely respectful and only I was disrespectful. I can't deal with that fact. I'm better of dead. I can't deal with this.

Last edited by Not_here; November 21st 2015 at 05:31 AM.
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Re: i cant handle this - November 21st 2015, 08:51 PM

Hey, Susan.

I'm so sorry about what your family's words and actions are driving you to. It sounds so hard to be in your position. I'm happy you wrote this and reached out.

A person can be disrespectful by their attitude and actions. From a person's words and actions, you'll feel emotions from it whether positive or negative. It isn't a switch you can turn on and off and no one should expect you to. You have tried talking about your feelings and standing up for yourself (which I'm proud of you for) and from there on, it's up to them on how they respond to that. If they respond negatively, that's on them and not you.

You say that you have you stop "trying to mold people" because they aren't "play dough". You know what I think? Your family seems to be doing that with you. You feel as you aren't allowed to cry in front of them because of what they say, you feel you aren't able to go to the doctor or counselor with their support etc. Your dad seems to be trying to shape a lot of your actions.

You're right, you're unheard and you are misunderstood. How could they even say whether or not you're scaring the cat or ruining the family? I don't personally know your family to say for sure, but from everything you've wrote it sounds like they only see a situation one way; their perspective. They don't seem to be making an effort to understand what makes you cry and what upsets you so badly. That's not your fault, it's theirs. Family members fight with each other, it's common and it's normal because everyone will have conflict at some point. However, it's important to listen to each other's feelings and make compromises if possible to hopefully prevent more hurt feelings in the future. Whereas your family seems to blame you for everything rather than seeing what their own actions and words are doing to you. And as I said, that's not your fault.

You wouldn't be better off dead, Susan. Even though a lot of conflict and arguments happens at home, this part of your life won't last forever. You won't always live at home and you have a better future ahead of you. Please don't let this get in the way of your dreams, your kindness and your potential. You can get through this, I know you can. You have held on for so long now, you obviously have a lot of strength. Continue talking to us and venting whenever you need. You're allowed to express your emotions here without judgment of how you should and shouldn't feel. You have friends here also that care a lot about you. So don't give up, carebear. Everything is gonna be okay.
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Re: i cant handle this - November 21st 2015, 09:32 PM

Before I begin: I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything you said, but I'm quite tired and still wanted to respond to this.
First of all, do not ever, not even for a second, think that you're better off dead or that you should kill yourself. There is always a better option and we all want to help you find it. There are a billion beautiful things ahead of you and you deserve to live long enough to see them come true. One day, this pain will be gone and you will be fine, regardless of your past.
I noticed a tiny little thing in your post: you wrote "my feelings are wrong, I'm told". That phrase caught my attention and you explained it in a quite detailed way. You didn't specify anything about the discussion going on, but from what I've read, it does seem to me that your family is disrespecting you. I don't know what you said, but whatever it is that made them angry at you, they have no right to invalidate you feelings. You did the right thing by telling your father you felt disrespected by your sister, I want you to remember this. His reation, however, wasn't at all okay. I get it, he might not understand your feelings, most parents don't understand their kids, but that's not a good enough reason to invalidate them. Try your best not to let your father's words manipulate you: your feelings are valid.
You also said "my feelings are not his or her problems to deal with and I have to work on stop feeling hurt if no one is hurting me". That, dear, is another phrase that caught my attention. You are his daughter: if you are feeling hurt or depressed or frustrated, it is partly his problem, and also your sister's. I'm not saying they should always agree with you and tell you you're right when you are clearly wrong, but they should help you when you have a problem, they should care when you're feeling bad, and it doesn't seem like they're willing to do that. Again, they are invalidating your feelings.
I don't think they realise how much damage they are doing, honestly. And I'm worried about you because you're starting to doubt your own mind and feelings. If something hurts you, dear, it's ok and valid. If you feel disrespected, it's valid. We all see things from different points of view, and just because a certain thing doesn't affect me in the slightest way, it doesn't mean it's the same for everyone else. It depends on who we are, on our personality, on our values, on our past experiences, etc...
At this point, many people would tell you to sit down with your family and talk about it. Honestly, and forgive me for what I'm about to say, I think it's bullshit. I haven't been through what you have, but I know what it is like to have my feelings invalidated or being disrespected in general, and I know that talking to those who invalidate you doesn't really make a difference: they'd just invalidate you one more time.
You need to tell all of this to your counselor. Don't be scared about exaggerating, because if this is what you feel, then it's ok to say it just like it is. Your counselor knows you and he will certainly find a way to help you overcome this terrible situation. I'd say you should try to avoid any sort of discussion with your family, at least until you see your counselor: it's probably not healthy, but it's what I do and it usually works. However, do not cut them out completely, because that would only make everything worse. Keep trying your best to be nice and loving, even if they're not treating you wel, it only shows you how mature you are. Try to be patient and hold on. You will not be stuck with them forever anyway. Maybe distract yourself, listen to music or write or paint (whatever you love doing) and let your feelings out. Scream in a pillow or punch it if it's necessary. Crying is good, don't feel weak or childish for crying when you need to. Do you have any friends who can be by your side during this difficult time? That would be a really good way to avoid thinking and stressing too much over it.
I hope this helped

the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
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