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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Is this friendship worth it? - January 9th 2016, 01:18 PM

Sorry if this seems long, here goes
So basically this person and I used to be pretty good friends like we would chat usually on the walk after the buses and afterschool on the buses but now of all a sudden they like says their too tired to talk now and would rather listen to music than hang out after. I pointed out that it means we would only talk like once a day but their like that enough.
So when they says that I get worried like they don't care much about our friendship. I mean they says they do but they like never initiates a conversation or anything even online. When I talked to them about it but they said I was just being oversensitive.
Recently they say I have just been forcing conversations. I'm sorry to do that but I feel like if I don't start up anything they will never initiate contact and that we'll never talk. I pointed out how they talk to their other friends more than once but they just told me I'm closer to them and stuff. But then later they said like friendship doesn't matter how much you talk which seems to me like they are just contradicting what they said earlier.,
So I talked to them about it today. So I said that they don't put in enough effort but they told me that they do put in effort. I asked them how and they just said that they do with no examples. For the afterschool thing,they said they don't talk to anyone after so I guess I can't complain about that. I brought up the issue of conversation initiation but they just told me that they never have anything to say when they used to. I brought up the issue of hanging out and they said we could hang during lunch but I know they typically spend time with other friends and I don't want to like hog them. So I dunno what to do and plus
So basically they told me in general that they are not just an initiator, I get that. Second, when I mentioned effort, they said that they don't think effort is needed in a friendship and things should be comfortable the way they are, like their just ok with us rarely talking and such, but they say they still consider us as good friends. So should I still put in effort?
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 9th 2016, 04:04 PM

I don't think you're oversensitive like your friend said you are. A lot of people would be upset in this situation.

I can see what your friend is saying, though. I have a few friends I've been friends with for a long time now. We barely talk as much as we used to but that is because we are older, life is busy, and we don't live nearby anymore. Our friendship has enough history and it's strong enough to withstand this sort of thing and it's at a point where, even after months of not talking, we can still be friends.

I can also definitely see where you're coming from and I'm glad you've tried with your friend even if they haven't. I disagree with them. I think any kind of relationship with someone is a two way street and effort does need to be put in by everyone involved to make it work. I think you've done all you can in this situation. You've still initiated conversation and you've confronted your friend about it. I don't think you have to completely stop putting effort in but it can't hurt to distance yourself a little bit. Maybe you can focus more on other friends instead.


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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 9th 2016, 04:31 PM

They said they think my view of effort in a friendship is distorted. The thing that confuses me is when they say they are ok with us not talking when we have the opportunity a lot and that if I never initiate, we would never speak. As well, they say sitting next to me is enough even though as I said they don't initiate and I don't see any difference between me next to them or not if that's the case and yet they say they are interested in being friends and call me a good friend. Tbh I think they have a lazy and selfish view of what friendship is
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 10th 2016, 04:45 AM

Your view of friendship isn't distorted at all, theirs is. I think you should take a step back and focus on some other friends or consider trying to make some new ones.


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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 10th 2016, 06:43 AM

I see you, I'm just confused on how despite that they still say they are interested in being friends and I'm a good friend. I think they see that the bare minimum like waving in the morning and sitting next to me is enough, which I really don't see.
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 18th 2016, 08:49 AM

After school sometimes when I'm on the bus waiting for it, I see them talking to others just before they get on the bus, so I'm not sure I buy this whole tired thing. During the bus ride they text people, so it has me thinking you're too tired to even talk for like 5 mins but not tired enough to text? I admit with that last part maybe I'm being irrational and texting needs less energy than talking.

But I'm going to put some distance for a week and maybe try later?
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 18th 2016, 04:37 PM

Sorry for such a late reply! I didn't realize you had replied to this earlier.

They could see you as just the bare minimum friend. Maybe you can consider confronting them about it. You could ask them what kind of friend they see you as, and then tell them that you'd like to develop more of a friendship. I do think taking a step back, as you've mentioned, will benefit you though.


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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 18th 2016, 06:08 PM

I did talk to them and they say that they still see me as a good friend but the way they act is confusing me.
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 21st 2016, 01:18 PM

Ok I haven't talked to them for a like a week in person and they haven't done anything. I did like twice online but thats it. Honestly I feel like they are lying when they say they consider me a good friend. I mean just waving is nothing and if they just sit next to me and don't acknowledge my presence thats not friendship at all. And they keep telling me how oh ofc I'm intersted in being friends but they don't act like it. I'm sorry for the rant. I'm just pretty fed up at this point and getting irritated. If I say anything they'll just say I'm oversensitive
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 21st 2016, 03:58 PM

It might just be that they have a different idea of what a good friend is than you do. If I waved to someone daily and sat with them but didn't have much of a friendship other than that, I'd consider that person to be an acquaintance. I don't think you're oversensitive at all. If the two of you have a different idea of friendship, you'll probably struggle a little bit to develop one. I think you should still distance yourself a little more since you're getting irritated. If you feel yourself ready to talk to them, then you can tell them that you'd like more from the friendship than just waving to each other.


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Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 21st 2016, 04:48 PM

Well they weren't always like this tbh, I mean we used to talk a lot even out of the bus its their change that bothers me but I'll take your advice with more distance. Thnx
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 27th 2016, 01:22 PM

So I talked to them again today and I told them how I feel like we don't really feel like genuine friends anymore and they told me that's not the case and we can talk whenever they feel like it but its clear they are not going to change the way they act, so I'm not sure if I should continue this tbh?

Last edited by smoke; January 27th 2016 at 02:00 PM.
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 27th 2016, 01:23 PM

I think you guys know the saying, actions speak louder than words
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 27th 2016, 03:55 PM

I think you should continue talking to the person����.... So if anything at all went or is going wrong the blame could never be placed on you.... Why???.....Cause you were always that loyal friend who was always there for the other......And cheer up things gonna be great between you two����������
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 27th 2016, 06:41 PM

Ok guys I haven't been honest here and with myself for a while as well. This friend of mine is a girl and yes I do like her, so I figure thats why I am bothered so much
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - January 30th 2016, 11:17 AM

So I'm stuck on whether or not to continue it now
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - February 2nd 2016, 06:24 AM

Have you told her about your feelings for her? I'm sure you feel frustrated with how things are going between the two of you and that's understandable. You've talked to her about how you'd like more in a friendship than what she is giving, and you said it doesn't look like she is willing to change. Friendships need equal effort put in by everybody involved because you cannot put all the effort in by yourself. If you don't think she's going to change and you feel as though you are going to become more frustrated, maybe you should look into making some new friends.


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Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - February 2nd 2016, 07:00 AM

Yeah, I had a talk with them again today and they said that we can talk whenever. So first normally we talk when we walk to class off the bus, but now they just told me that they want to listen music there too as well. And later today, I asked them if they wanted to talk during other parts of the day but they told me that during those times they want to talk to other friends and we literally haven't even had a normal conversation for like almost a month. But of course, if I say that they don't care, they'll just insist that they do and call me oversensitive
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - February 5th 2016, 01:01 PM

And no I don't think I should tell her, it would make things awkward I think
   
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Re: Is this friendship worth it? - February 9th 2016, 12:58 PM

Sorry for making this last so long, everyone btw, I'm just really bummed out by it
   
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