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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lyss_ Offline
Lyssa
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Name: Alyssa
Age: 20
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Join Date: October 30th 2015

My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 05:11 AM

My best friend and I are super close. He's finally told me a huge hugeeee secret that's been hurting him every day for the past 12 years (he's turning 18 this month) and other things. He's really depressed and he's finally being his full self with me. I'm super excited because I'm the first person he's ever trust with this aside from his family. Only one problem though. He moved back to New York to finish senior year, and he's already messing up bad. He might not be able to graduate on time because of it. This week has been bad for him. Starting back up with bad habits and the like. He even got really drunk last night and had me worried asf cuz he wasn't texting back. I only talked to him an hour today like 10 hours ago and he hasn't opened or even seen any of the messages I sent him. I'm just really worried because this is not him AT ALL. He always texts me back within the next two hours. No family gatherings, nothing to do today. He told me something happened last night and he wouldn't tell me. I'm so worried about him He's been through hell and back, it's a miracle that he isn't into drugs and ruining his life. He knows how worried I get
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 08:08 AM

Hi there, Alyssa.

First off, I'm glad you have become someone your best friend feels he's able to trust. It's super important to be there for someone, especially when they may not have anyone else. With that being said, this whole situation screams "seeking attention" to me. The telling you important past experiences/challenges, then "disappearing", the talking to you regularly to almost not at all, etc. I've been in situations (and been the person) to push people away - to give them a reason to get worried (because as you said, he KNOWS what makes you worry). To see if they really do care, if they're going to reach out, if they want to be in my life. Sometimes, pushing people away and seeing their reaction can really tell you a lot about a person.

However, I don't like to draw conclusions fast. So, lets approach this from a different theory/angle. Maybe he feels weird now that he told you those secrets. Maybe he's always held those secrets in because he has felt that telling someone would open up a door that he doesn't want open - and maybe now that he's told you, his wound is bigger then ever. He might simply need someone to tell him they love him, and will be here when he wants to talk. After that is done, it may be wise to let him do the reaching out.

Finally, from what you've told me, this friendship pushes the subject of codependency. To help better understand that, you may want to read some articles on codependency online. However, overall, a Codependent relationship is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. It is in my opinion, that things won't get better for him or your relationship (i.e., friendship) until all codependency stops and he starts to begin to take full responsibility for his actions and issues.


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 01:01 PM

Hello!

I think that for your best friend, it's best to surprise him with something nice in order to show that someone cares... also, I think part of the reason why people don't like to tell out their problems is because they're afraid that people may judge. You're a nice person, and everyone can see that. But the way he's acting confirms the fact that he has been hurt by someone he's trusted before.. which is why he's hesitating when it comes to letting you know.

The most important part about being a listener is to convince the person who's talking that you won't judge them. Accept them, their experiences and remember to show comfort and support. It's likely that he's bearing a lot of burden on his shoulders which is why he's keeping it from you to prevent you from worrying.

Most of all, what you need to do is to always convince your friend that he can rely on you, and that you won't betray him . Once you overcome his fear of betrayal, then things will proceed smoothly because he'll let you help him more.

I hope things go well.. and I wanna let you know that if you need more advice or just want someone to rant to, I'm always here!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Lyss_ Offline
Lyssa
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Re: My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 07:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris View Post
Hi there, Alyssa.

First off, I'm glad you have become someone your best friend feels he's able to trust. It's super important to be there for someone, especially when they may not have anyone else. With that being said, this whole situation screams "seeking attention" to me. The telling you important past experiences/challenges, then "disappearing", the talking to you regularly to almost not at all, etc. I've been in situations (and been the person) to push people away - to give them a reason to get worried (because as you said, he KNOWS what makes you worry). To see if they really do care, if they're going to reach out, if they want to be in my life. Sometimes, pushing people away and seeing their reaction can really tell you a lot about a person.

However, I don't like to draw conclusions fast. So, lets approach this from a different theory/angle. Maybe he feels weird now that he told you those secrets. Maybe he's always held those secrets in because he has felt that telling someone would open up a door that he doesn't want open - and maybe now that he's told you, his wound is bigger then ever. He might simply need someone to tell him they love him, and will be here when he wants to talk. After that is done, it may be wise to let him do the reaching out.

Finally, from what you've told me, this friendship pushes the subject of codependency. To help better understand that, you may want to read some articles on codependency online. However, overall, a Codependent relationship is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. It is in my opinion, that things won't get better for him or your relationship (i.e., friendship) until all codependency stops and he starts to begin to take full responsibility for his actions and issues.


Best wishes,
Chris
He just called me like 10 minutes ago and told me something happened to his mom so he turned his phone and off so he woildnt be distracted trying to help her and forgot to tell me. I don't think we have a codependent relationship though, I been dealing with depression and anxiety and he been there making my days a bit easier. Lol I know I made it seem like he does this stuff for attention. He told me all the crazy stuff a while back too. But thank you!
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Lyss_ Offline
Lyssa
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Name: Alyssa
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: Oregon

Posts: 41
Join Date: October 30th 2015

Re: My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 07:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Yoshi View Post
Hello!

I think that for your best friend, it's best to surprise him with something nice in order to show that someone cares... also, I think part of the reason why people don't like to tell out their problems is because they're afraid that people may judge. You're a nice person, and everyone can see that. But the way he's acting confirms the fact that he has been hurt by someone he's trusted before.. which is why he's hesitating when it comes to letting you know.

The most important part about being a listener is to convince the person who's talking that you won't judge them. Accept them, their experiences and remember to show comfort and support. It's likely that he's bearing a lot of burden on his shoulders which is why he's keeping it from you to prevent you from worrying.

Most of all, what you need to do is to always convince your friend that he can rely on you, and that you won't betray him . Once you overcome his fear of betrayal, then things will proceed smoothly because he'll let you help him more.

I hope things go well.. and I wanna let you know that if you need more advice or just want someone to rant to, I'm always here!
Yes, thank you! I'll be PMing you in the near future
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
The screwdriverneedsgas!
I've been here a while
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Name: carwithnogas
Gender: Male
Location: Cute Dinosaur Island!

Posts: 1,886
Blog Entries: 18
Join Date: January 13th 2011

Re: My best friend.. - January 17th 2016, 11:18 PM

Yay! talk to me anytime


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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