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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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toriel Offline
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Unhappy i dont feel close to any of my friends... - February 11th 2016, 08:07 PM

Lately I've been feeling pretty lonely, because when I was feeling down I realized I don't really have anyone I can go to.

I have quite a big group of friends at school and we all are in little 'pairs' of best friends. Me and my best friend have been friends for about 10 years but she's pretty rude and mean to me a lot of the time and I sadly don't enjoy spending time with her any more because of this She used to (and still does sometimes) slap and hit and bite me and my friends and other stuff which has made me not like her so much. If I ever tell her anything personal or start to ask her for advice she makes me feel really bad and tells everyone about it and I hate it. I want to distance myself from her a bit as she always puts me down but as everyone is in their little 'pairs' in our group I have no one to go to. I just feel like I'm annoying everyone else if I try to hang out with them more. If I want to go to town or ask someone round my house I have no one to ask. I mean I'm quite good friends with most of my group and we have a laugh and they are nice to me but I just feel like I'm annoying /wasting their time if I ask them to hang out (or if i try and hang out with them instead of my 'best friend'). this is really bugging me because i just feel so alone even though i am surrounded by great people. i never share anything about myself because i know my 'best friend' will tease/put me down about it and now i find it tricky to even tell my friends im going on holiday because i just feel like im annoying them

this really sucks and i wish i had people closer to me that i could talk to, ask for advice and hang out with does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation or how i could become closer to my current friends? its pretty hard at school cause we always have to be in pairs for stuff in lessons and i always have to go with my 'best friend'

thank you in advance for any advice!!
   
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Re: i dont feel close to any of my friends... - February 12th 2016, 11:21 PM

It doesn't seem like your best friend is really your friend anymore. If she was, she'd treat you nicely and respect your boundaries. Do you have to hang out with her? Maybe you can ask your friends to switch things up just for the heck of it. It can't hurt to try. Or if you feel like you have to be near her or you can't get away from her, maybe you can try to focus more on your other friends and what they're up to. It might help to kind of tune her out since she isn't too nice to you to begin with.

It's easy to feel annoying and bad about yourself sometimes. I think your friend (and maybe other factors) are damaging your self-esteem. You might want to try to rationalize your thoughts. For instance, if you feel like you're annoying, tell yourself that you aren't, but add something positive. You can say to yourself, "I'm not annoying, I'm a kind person," to kind of drill things in your head. Write down reasons why you're kind to back that statement up. Practice positive self-talk in the things that you do on a daily basis, and acknowledge the little things you do. Try listening to positive affirmations on YouTube to see if those help. I know these exercises are hard to keep up with and can even seem annoying, but they'll do a world of good for you.


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Re: i dont feel close to any of my friends... - February 14th 2016, 10:21 PM

Hi. I'd just like to share a little about my experience. I was a part of a group of great friends in my school days and we had similar setting i.e. having best friends in pairs. We were great as a group but everyone else had each other.

Given my strict curfew, I often could not hang out much with them after school so naturally I would feel left out. I still treated everyone like my Best Friend since we're all together but politics do happen. I had Friend A coming over to my place quite regularly for chats but this caused an argument with Friend B which I had no idea about and felt confused when sometimes I felt B was giving me different treatment.

I was more surprised than angry. What I did was to stay amicable with all of them, not choosing sides or being particularly friendly to anyone else. With 'We are all just friends' mentality, I have been enjoying great friendship with them for over 20 years now.

On another occasion, I had friends who I valued but had to let go because they would always share negatively with me (e.g. they are only interested in my problems, put me down whenever I share something nice, don't want to get better or move on, or worse, don't allow me to move on and so on). As much as it pains me to let go of such friendships, it did me good because then I was not tied down by negative influences and I was able to move away from my problems to find solutions instead. As we shared common friends, it took huge courage and a lot of determination to move away and stay away from them until I was able to pick myself up again. I don't stay in touch with them but if they contact me, it would be polite conversations and nothing more.

What I am trying to say is that we don't have to conform or limit ourselves to 'must have' a Best Friend in life. I have never had a best friend but I have a few great friends with whom I shared phases of my life with and because of that, it made our friendships more valuable and memorable than trying to fight for a place or having someone to call BFF.

If a Friend does not help you grow or value your presence, it is only fair to let them go instead of having them around and cause you unhappiness and stress trying to deal with the friendship. You can talk to them and see if you both can work things out. Mutual respect and understanding are keys to sustaining any relationships.

If you are already feeling lonely with company, what's the difference if you're spending time with yourself? You probably would benefit much more when you learn to make better use of your time, perhaps by taking up some courses or lessons where you might meet new friends or joining Organizations doing volunteering works for causes you support, and so on. Others may include reading (Going libraries), taking up new sport, learning a new skill and so on.

Hope the above helps. If you need someone to talk to you can also PM me anytime.

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Re: i dont feel close to any of my friends... - February 15th 2016, 06:55 AM

Hey there,

I think distancing yourself from your best friend is a good idea. She doesn't sound like a friend and you don't deserve the type of treatment she is giving you.

I know you said you feel alone and like you are probably annoying the people that you are hanging out with but it is likely that you aren't. I used to feel that way in high school and so I never reached out to the girls I hung out with. I would eat lunch with them and talk, cordially, to them but I never went out of my way to make plans with them or be open. I didn't find out till after I had a breakdown and withdrew from them completely that they cared and they noticed my change. So, I advise that you try and put aside your concerns about annoying them and initiate some more hang out sessions and let them in a bit.

Is there one person in particular that you like more and would like to get closer with? There was one girl in my group who I really liked and I still wish that I had made a move to be more open with her. She tried supporting me through the time that I knew her and she probably would have made a really good 'best' friend.

Honestly, it's all about trial and error with friends. You have to be open and see how they receive it and then go from there. You can start out with small things and then work your way up.

It can take time to build friendships but it can happen and I wish you the best of luck.


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