TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ten Offline
Ten
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Ten's Avatar
 
Gender: Male

Posts: 2
Join Date: February 18th 2016

How to relieve high tensions in family!?!? - February 18th 2016, 08:23 AM

Right now, me and my mother are having a very sticky relationship with my stepdad. This is very hard to express, considering that I am now spilling my secrets online but hey! I'll try my best.

TL;DR - Mom cheats on husband. Husband finds out. Mom apologizes, vows to stop affair and husband accepts. Mom is still having an affair and husband finds out. Now he hates me and my mom

It all started when my mother married my stepdad back in the Philippines. I can't remember when, but it was probably around 2012-2013. Things were great back then. I wasn't as private and shy as I was when I was in that time period so I had a good relationship with my stepdad and my mom. My stepdad was nice and outdoorsy, just so you know and I liked him. That is, until me and my mom finally immigrated to Canada at mid-2013. Our first years there was great and all until at mid-2015 when my mom was caught cheating with another man. We got kicked out of our house as a result and that was the time when I lost physical contact to someone I know. I started getting shyer and more reserved as a result. Then, my stepdad immigrated to Canada at 2015 and went to live with us. We greeted each other in the airport but I noticed I wasn't as enthusiastic around him as I was back then (as aforementioned way earlier). A day after we got home together, my dad started to look for a job. He found one at a hotel and was luckily hired there. The wife of my former house's owner was there at his new job, too. She is pretty gossipy (like most Filipinos are v.v) and as the two met, the wife informed my stepdad about the scandal my mom was in (and even suggested he live at her house instead and file a divorce against my mom). He was shocked, so he went into an argument with my mom for days. When the arguments were done, my mom vowed never to cheat again and my dad accepted her apology. Although he was still deeply impacted by the scandal, he wasn't as much shocked as ever and put on a façade of the usual nice and warm personality he had in my understanding. In Dec. 2015 however, my mom stated to my dad that she will go home from work in that day but instead came tomorrow afternoon. She also told him a bunch of excuses just so that she could go to her boyfriend's (yes she was still cheating) house. My stepdad accepted this, until one morning when he took my mom's car keys. He said he was tired of her being disrespectful towards him (probably a reference to the cheating, I never fully understood this) and started hitting her angrily. I was under the blanket in the same room, scared. I could vividly remember that entire situation, where my mom had a trembling, sad voice, where I ran up the stairs and called 911 with a saddened and shaky voice. Of course, the cops came and warned my stepdad that he will be charged of assault next time he does this (I didn't tell the cops about the cheating since I didn't want anyone to know that I knew about it the whole time). The fight stopped, but he was still angry at her and called her mean names and even told me that she was a cheater. Mind you, this was the first direct message he's said to me ever since his arrival to Canada and he didn't even say my name! Their relationship worsened, and somehow me and my stepdad's worsened too. This night, I was chuckling silently. He was sleeping in the same bed as I and told me I was being too loud (excuse me!?), and even insulted me by calling me a motherf* in Filipino angrily. Quite the opposite of the warm and hospitable stepdad I knew back then in the Philippines. What he just said just drove me into asking for help online with a HUGE concern over my family's future. What should I do to at least relieve tensions and restore the relations between my mom and stepdad? I don't want him to feel uncomfortable just being in the same house as me nor do I want to look at him staring at me with an angry face. This situation is scarring me for life, and I don't want it to cause it any more pain considering I am a sensitive person, please help!

My mom doesn't seem the slightest bit sad or angry. She also never talks back to him anymore, like when he told her to lower down the volume of her phone and that she is frustrating and annoying. He is a light sleeper, has eyesight problems (uses the lights to see even in daylight) and probably has good ears. As a person with an unnaturally quite vocal chord, he must have heard me whisper a swear word and shushed me or something.

Sorry for bad English and long thread and unhelpful tldr summary!!
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Verbal venom.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Location: 1261'

Posts: 9,956
Blog Entries: 1522
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: How to relieve high tensions in family!?!? - February 18th 2016, 11:33 PM

I think you should sit down and talk to your step-dad. It's understandable for him to be angry at your mom, but he shouldn't be mad at you. Your mother made a choice to have an affair; that is all her doing and has nothing to do with you, so he shouldn't be angry with you. Maybe you can explain that, despite your mom's actions, you'd still like to have a relationship with your step-dad (if that's what you want) and explain that your relationship with him is separate from him and your mom.

I know you want to help relieve the tension between your mom and your step-dad, but, as their child, that's not your job. That is something they have to do when and if they are ready. It's not your responsibility to pick up their pieces. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself. Pay attention to self-care and make sure you treat yourself kindly. Use some outlets, too. Don't keep what you're feeling inside because there's a lot going on in your house right now.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ten Offline
Ten
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Ten's Avatar
 
Gender: Male

Posts: 2
Join Date: February 18th 2016

Re: How to relieve high tensions in family!?!? - February 23rd 2016, 02:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
I think you should sit down and talk to your step-dad. It's understandable for him to be angry at your mom, but he shouldn't be mad at you. Your mother made a choice to have an affair; that is all her doing and has nothing to do with you, so he shouldn't be angry with you. Maybe you can explain that, despite your mom's actions, you'd still like to have a relationship with your step-dad (if that's what you want) and explain that your relationship with him is separate from him and your mom.

I know you want to help relieve the tension between your mom and your step-dad, but, as their child, that's not your job. That is something they have to do when and if they are ready. It's not your responsibility to pick up their pieces. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself. Pay attention to self-care and make sure you treat yourself kindly. Use some outlets, too. Don't keep what you're feeling inside because there's a lot going on in your house right now.
Hey there.
Thanks for the advice, but it seems that my stepdad is starting to harass my mother and becoming slowly abusive. He threatens her to have her and possibly me departed back to the Philippines as far as I can understand the situation, or kicked out of our house. Overall, as far as I can understand, tensions between the two are rising. I want to be a mediator. What should I do?

I don't think my family could help, nor could the school. I just don't trust them enough to let them know about everything.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
PM me anytime!

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
.:Bibliophile:.'s Avatar
 
Gender: Just me

Posts: 16,770
Blog Entries: 1770
Join Date: January 18th 2009

Re: How to relieve high tensions in family!?!? - February 23rd 2016, 02:31 AM

Hey there,

You should not be the mediator. You can support you mom through this and you can offer support to your step dad if you feel like it but it is not your job to be mediator. If you tried to do that you would end up taking on a really big responsibility and it would cause a lot of issues for you.

I've been in a similar situation with my dad and his partner when they were going through a tough spot and I knew that I couldn't help them to work it out. Instead, I offered them both support and did what I could to show them that I wasn't taking sides.


|Lead Moderator|Newsletter Officer|
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
family, high, relieve, tensions

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright ©1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.