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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
I have the Millennium Puzzle
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Angry I just don't even know. - April 11th 2016, 10:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

**Just a bit of a warning, if you don't know any of my past history, this may be a tad confusing for you. I'm choosing not to add any back story to this, as I'm not wanting to take the time, if you want to ask any additional questions, you're more than welcome to message me privately. Thanks.**

So my oldest sister just had her fifth child, and I've never been more enraged. I have a younger sister about to deliver, a few friends that are expecting and I've never been more excited for them. I don't get upset when they post pictures, or sad when they talk about future plans, but knowing that my sister of all people, who already has numerous children, delivered, and less than a week before Ava's 3rd birthday, makes me want to scream.

When my sister was still pregnant, my family would send me pictures of the sonograms, expecting me to want to see them. They did this, knowing I was still devastated over the miscarriage, and didn't take in to account how I would feel about it. (They know I hate my sister.) Now they are tagging me in the pictures from the birth and they've let me know that they are opting out of coming to Ava's birthday because they would rather be there for her, and the new baby. Just in-case 'she needs anything.'

I've honestly never been so upset or more livid in my entire life. This coming from the fact that my own mother almost refused to come to the birth of my child because she wanted to help my sister do her laundry.

I do my best to prove to my parents that I matter too, that Ava matters too, and clearly we just don't fucking matter. But they hold my sister on this high horse of love and acceptance. My therapist says that because I grew up in a home trying to gain approval of my parents, that I'll continue to do this until I realize for myself that I don't need their approval. Granted, I think I already know that.

I'm just so angry that they aren't going to be at Ava's party. They have NEVER shown up to one of her birthday parties. EVER. None of my family shows up. They just blow them off, and it's really starting to get to me. Yet, when my sister decides to do laundry, my family rushes to her house to help, because she may get stressed doing house work.

WTF IS THAT SHIT?! I honestly have no idea why I'm so angry over this. I've been ignoring her, and pretending that she wasn't pregnant and just going on with my life, but now I'm getting bombarded with all of these feelings of regret and anger and I have no idea how to handle this.

I had a baby, and no one was there for me, I lost a baby, and no one was there for me. My child wants to see family on her birthday, and no one shows up for her. I'm so sick and fucking tired of having to work for approval and love when they just give gobs of it to some bitch who doesn't deserve the life she was given.

Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that, who knows. Maybe I'm just ass backwards, and my entire family can see it, but I can't. I just fucking quit.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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cynefin Offline
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Re: I just don't even know. - April 12th 2016, 04:18 AM

You're not wrong for thinking that at all. I can see why you're frustrated and you have every right to feel that way. Your family isn't treating you and your daughter the way you deserve to be treated and it is terrible of them to act like this.

Perhaps your therapist is right in that you grew up wanting approval from your family. And, even though you know you do not need it now, you might still want it (whether it is conscious or not). I think a lot of times people know something as one way but their feelings tell them differently and working through those feelings is the hardest part.

I can't relate entirely but I do have toxic family that act similar to the way your family does. I cut them out of things close to a year ago and it has made a lot of difference. Sure, I still remember things they've said and done to me on a daily basis but not having to see them has brought closure to an extent. That might be something to consider eventually. You might be able to heal more if you don't have contact with them anymore.

Is there a way you can temporarily block your family on social media, or maybe you can sign out for a while? You could always make a separate account for the genuine people in your life.

I hope Ava has a lovely birthday party despite everything that is going on right now.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
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Re: I just don't even know. - April 12th 2016, 04:23 PM

Thank you.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Re: I just don't even know. - April 14th 2016, 01:17 AM

I can relate to the part about wanting approval and not getting it. I used to do that with my mom. I stopped after she proved, in the worst way, that she didn't care.

I think that it's natural to seek approval and love from your family and especially your parents. But, in doing so you are causing yourself a lot of pain. However, I know it's not easy to just shut off that want.

I am not sure how I moved on from my mom other than seeing her for the person she really was and realizing that she didn't matter. But, I think that maybe talking to your therapist about ways to move forward from this can help. I do think that one day you will get to a point where they don't matter as much.

Maybe you could consider not inviting them to family events like your daughters birthday. My brother did that with my aunts and uncle when they repeatedly didn't show up to the events. If you aren't inviting them to the events you won't have expectations and then have those expectations/hopes be dashed when they don't come.

As for facebook there is a thing you can do where you have to approve the things you are tagged in. I have that set up. You still see the tag in order to approve it but you have to click on it in your notifications. If you set that up you could just ignore tags made by them. I don't know if it will help at all but it might be something to look into.

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