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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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jamdoughnut Offline
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I keep lying - April 15th 2016, 07:55 PM

I feel like I can't speak honestly to anyone anymore, especially my parents. For a long time, I was always having to hide how I felt and what was going on, so I was constantly just lying about it and finding ways around it. Now, it's almost like it's a reflex, I don't even know if I can control it anymore. Just the other day my dad asked me about the scars on my arm, and without a second thought I told him that my dog had scratched me. My dog has nothing to do with it, it was me, but he still bought the lie. And it scared me to see how easily I was able to do that, without any suspicion at all without even having to think about it. It just happened, almost like I'm trying to protect myself. This had been ongoing for at least six months. Ive been lying to my parents, to my brothers, my family and friends, and even therapists. And I know this is bad, but I don't know what to do about it. Any advice?


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Re: I keep lying - April 15th 2016, 10:34 PM

While it may come to a surprise, not all lies are bad. There are many reasons why a person lies and not all lies are of the same 'genre' so to speak. For example, lying to your boss at work claiming you didn't steal money from the till when you really did, that's a bad lie, but lying to your family in the way you've described isn't necessarily bad, you do it because as you've said, to protect yourself. Wanting to protect yourself isn't bad, it's just part of human nature to want to preserve ourselves.

From what you've described, you're lying to your family over personal issues and I very much doubt many people on this forum are any different. Truth is, we'll all lie to our family at one point or another. We lie to them because we want them to believe we're ok when underneath we're not ok and we're just pretending to be for a variety of reasons such as wanting to please others, because we'd rather others not know or for self-preservation.

When I was your age I lied a lot to my family about how I was feeling. Truth be told I lied right up until the death of a significant member of my family. I would lie about all sorts of things. I'd lie and say I found a bunch of money just conveniently lying there on the ground, that I'd picked it up and used it to go to the cinema with a 'friend' aka the guy I was seeing and didn't want my judgmental family knowing. I'd lie about how 'ok' I was when really I was actually suffering severe depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of running away from home and a whole boatload of other stuff too. I lied about how I was feeling because I felt like lying to my family was the lesser of the two evils. Either I tell my family the truth and feel like they won't believe me when I tell them how I'm feeling, have said significant person use what I'd said against me and overall feel like I was causing more family problems than if I just keep quiet, say nothing and then I won't have felt like I was the 'problem' of the family.

All in all, try not to worry too much about lying, it really is just a natural part of life when you're going through a lot of personal problems and you're looking to deal with it in your own way. My only suggestion however, is try not to lie too much to your therapist, remember that they are there to help you and they can't help you unless you be more honest with them.


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Re: I keep lying - April 16th 2016, 01:00 AM

Sarah made a great point about how not all lies are necessarily bad. She's right in that a lot of people here on TeenHelp lie to people around them about how they're feeling. My family is now more aware of why I struggle, but I still lie about things a lot. I lie about how I am feeling or I leave stuff out about my past to protect myself and the people asking. I dodge questions or change the subject often because there are a lot of things that I am not ready to share with my family quite yet, and I figure it'll happen when I am ready for it to happen.

I agree about not lying to your therapist. Your therapist is there to help you, and they can't offer you the support you need if you're not being truthful. I know it can be hard to see a therapist, but a therapist can be a great source of support, especially if you don't rely on your family. I have a great therapeutic relationship with my therapist and I think trying to be honest with your therapist might help you.

If you want to work on your lying, maybe you can first address why you lie. You said you want to protect yourself. Do you know what it is you are trying to protect yourself from? Are you trying to protect other people from being hurt or disappointed by the truth? If you can figure out more behind your lies, you can make some affirmations and try repeating them to yourself.

After that, you can start telling the truth one at a time. Maybe you can start with small things and work your way up. You don't have to come out with it all at once, but if someone asks how you are, take some time to think about it before you answer them.


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