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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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friend is cheating on other friend... i care about them both - April 21st 2016, 04:48 AM

all my threads have strong language. anyway, this is a long and fucked up story, i'm so sorry. i know my threads are always waaaaay too long i just ugh, i'm sorry.

so i used to have this group at school that consisted of me and these two friends -- a boy and a girl. yeah, on a totally unrelated note, you are now allowed to begin making assumptions about how this story ends up.

we were the absolute best of friends. as a kid i always dreamed of having that group of absolute amazing buddies as a teenager, and just being able to be free and enjoy the rest of my youth with them, doing whatever we wanted and being however we wanted because we knew we would all accept each other, no matter what.
that was us.
it was one of the happiest times of my life, even if it didn't last long. then it became one of the worst.

longass, complicated story short, as most romantic stories are (i'll put the backstory in a quote at the bottom - you don't have to read), they got together and now whenever the three of us hang out... i'm obviously and inevitably the third wheel. yeah, i NEVER get tired of trying to have a conversation with them and then watching them randomly make out to piss me off.
so fucking adorable, isn't it.
and oh, get this, i get to hear about every single ONE of their sexual experiences with each other~! lucky me, right?!??

just... fucking.. kill me now. please. i hate couples so much, and they're the worst kind. the really cuddly, open PDA, baby-talking, dumbass word-saying couple. it sounds so fucking awkward to hear them call each other babe... it just doesn't fit.

let's call the girl Emma and the boy Jack.
so they got together during a time when Jack and i were right in the middle of discussing a FWB relationship. (i truly wasn't interested, but he kept bringing up reasons it would be "good for me".. including talking about my abusive ex-boyfriend, who most of you know what he did to me later.
i also knew that Jack wanted "one last experience" before he settled down with Emma, because they're already planning their wedding.. yeah. and i had been so used to my body only being used for sex that i actually believed that was all i was good for, and that the LEAST i could do was let a friend use me. so i convinced myself to give myself up as a favor for him. nothing big ever happened, thank fucking god.)

but after they got together, i told him to drop the subject, it was out of the question now.
weeks later, he brought it up again and explained the details i said above even more strongly and persuasively. i really wasn't in the right state of mind at the time, as explained above, so i kept going off and on about deciding what to do.
we tried things, and it was absolutely revolting for me. i felt dirty and disgusting and just like a worthless slut, but i tried to convince myself it was just me doing a favor for him, it didn't mean anything.
all he did was grope me one day when we were alone after school, and eventually i stopped it and said i had to leave. i felt too uncomfortable.
two days before i was raped by my ex, Jack and i were chilling after school again. i was literally in the middle of having a totally neutral conversation with him when he randomly kissed me. he shoved his tongue down my throat and it tasted terrible. (and, to my knowledge, when a kiss itself tastes bad, it means you're chemically incompatible, right? or something like that?? ) i pushed him off and after the next few days, when he found out about what happened, we cut it off completely. that was it.

i really considered telling Emma, whom i've known for three years versus the one year i've known Jack.
but Jack said he "talked things out with her" and said that she might be cheating too, with sexting her ex-boyfriend over Skype.
i have no idea if he told her he was cheating too or not, but i'm 95% sure that he didn't say anything about HIS side of the cheating, because she didn't act different towards me or ask about it or anything.
and, knowing her, i know that cheating in a relationship is her NUMBER ONE worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship. she's been hurt, and i kinda think she needs a boyfriend to feel good about herself, so for one to cheat on her... i think she'd become suicidal, honestly.

i let this whole situation slide, for the sake of her sanity, my friendship with both her and Jack, and for Jack. because i'm close friends with both of them, and even though i was pissed at him, i figured everyone makes mistakes. he even said that i was the only person he would want to do "one last smash" with. if i didn't do it, he wouldn't do it with anyone else, and just stay with Emma.

so i thought things were good...
the other day he said that quite a few girls are flirting with him and he doesn't know how much longer he can take it.
it finally hit him that Emma is his "wife" practically and that he'll never have another girl sexually again.

he said he's seriously considering getting one last smash in (and fucking asked me if i would be down, in a more subtle way, once again. i shot him down immediately this time.) and that he has it planned in a way it'll be perfect... he won't get caught, he'll just fill his desires and it'll be done.
he said he doesn't see other physical attraction as "cheating", and that, after the 1st time, sex really doesn't matter to him. so he's saving his virginity for Emma, and as soon as he gets it in, he's planning on fulfilling his last smash and going back to Emma.
while they're still dating.

i told him he should AT LEAST take a break with her or let her know, so maybe SHE can go experiment (she's bi and has never done anything with a girl, so) one last time, but he said no way.
funny thing is, he's been sexting girls over Skype. which he considered cheating when Emma was accused of doing it.

Jack and Emma are planning to "do it" in 10 days now. (trust me, i've heard every agonizing detail -.- )

so my question is... should i tell Emma that her boyfriend is planning on cheating, and that she might not want to lose her virginity to him? sex means SO MUCH emotionally to her, and just the fact that she'd be crushed if he DID get caught... it's too much.

Jack is a hella good talker. he's persuasive and convincing and i thought it might be okay to let this one slide too.
but then he said that once he does it once, it'll probably turn into a continuous thing with whoever his side hoe is.
that's when i said "no fucking way dude, that's not happening. you can't do that to Emma."

i know the answer seems obvious, but i'm close to them both, and he only told me all this because he made me PROMISE i wouldn't tell Emma. because it could "ruin" them.
fuck yeah, obviously it would ruin them.

how should i tell Emma, if i decide to? how the hell do you do that to a friend??

P.S. if you want to know the backstory in the form of a rant, Emma had this boyfriend who was several years older than her. it was long distance, they had been dating for 4 years i believe, and met up with each other like twice a year. they were so cute together and the bond they had just seemed... right. so she had a great, close relationship with this guy.. that is, until she met Jack. Jack has this problem of not keeping his fucking face from jumping to conclusions. he's already "diagnosed" me with having "masks" to hide things (no shit, i want to hide certain things from certain people), and my best friend has "walls" apparently because she "shuts people out". which she does, but he has no place trying to "fix us" when these are our coping methods for things we have gone through.
so he looked at Emma's relationship and said, "nah. y'all are way too emotionally dependent on each other and it's not healthy." and only THEN was Emma like, "omg ur rite."
basically Jack got all UP in her relationship business, actually LECTURED her boyfriend on why he was a sucky boyfriend, and her boyfriend, being very submissive and nonconfrontational, said, "you're right man, i agree with you. you win."
might i mention that, while all this was going on, Jack was convincing Emma that she would "regret" not experimenting with other guys in high school. so, WHILE SHE WAS STILL DATING HER BOYFRIEND, Jack did the "oh-so-noble act" of making out with her to give her another experience.
and, in his words, "only then did she realize she was in love with me."


yeah. i threw up too.
i tried to explain that it's psychologically proven that certain chemicals in the brain are released with kissing/doing sexual things with another person that make you see them in a more affectionate way, often causing you to believe you "love" them. i'm not a professional, that's just what i learned in my psych class, so i'm not sure if that's what happened here... but it sounds a lot like it.
especially considering that, merely WEEKS before this, Emma was trying to set me and Jack up. merely DAYS before they broke off Emma's boyfriend and THEY got together (THE SAME FUCKING DAY) that Jack asked ME out. DAYS BEFORE, he had feelings for ME.. and he just friend hopped.
(i'm not jealous, i was never interested. i'm more worried for Emma than anything else.)

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; April 21st 2016 at 06:25 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: friend is cheating on other friend... i care about them both - April 22nd 2016, 04:11 AM

I think you should tell Emma about it. If I was in a relationship and someone knew something like that, I'd want them to tell me. You said sex means a lot more emotionally to Emma and I think it is important that she knows about this. Jack seems unsure about how he feels and that is something he should consider talking to Emma about.

Maybe you can sit down with Jack and tell him that you feel as though Emma has a right to know about this, and encourage him to tell her himself. You could offer to go with him for support, or help him think of things to say if he needs help with that. If he doesn't want to tell her, then you can consider telling him that you'd like to tell her yourself.

There's no easy way to tell someone something like this but if you do tell her, you should consider picking a good time (not right before class or around a lot of people, etc). I think you should stick to the minimal things she needs to know because going into detail about what Jack has said will probably make her feel worse.

This is a rough position for you to be in, and I hope you are able to come to a decision as to what you're going to do. Feel free to keep me updated.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
MrCross Offline
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Re: friend is cheating on other friend... i care about them both - April 22nd 2016, 04:16 PM

Tough situation, a very tough situation to be in. Whenever situations like this have come up with between friends my usual advice for myself or others is to stay out of it. In touchy situations you can quickly become the enemy. But this situation is a special situation in which I would suggest that you try in some form or manner to make sure Emma is made aware of whats going on.

From everything I have read Emma sounds like a deep emotional person, and as you mentioned sex means a lot to her on a deeper level, if they were to have sex and then Jack went off behind her back it would hurt so much more afterwards then if it came out into the open now.

Iv meant guys like Jack before, I can only go off the information you have given me but it sounds like Jack is looking out for himself and only himself. The mere notion of having sex with someone else is an indication of that, and then his insistence on trying to get you to do so with him even more so. In my experience that behavior will not just simply stop.

I believe Cassado is right, you should find a way to tell her, but be careful about it. Sometimes the truth does hurt you or the person your telling it to but in the long run, if you can help to avoid even more and or worse emotional distress then take that route. I hope you can find a way to resolve this situation with as little pain as possible.

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Re: friend is cheating on other friend... i care about them both - April 22nd 2016, 10:24 PM

I agree with Andy. Jack is looking out for himself and that's it. Imagine how Emma would feel if she found out later and realized that you kept it from her? It'll go down way better if you're upfront with her. Of course it'll ruin her relationship with Jack, as it should, but at least you won't essentially be an accomplice in his unwanted advances.

Also, it's not fair that Emma is with a guy who's that willing to cheat on her AND with one of her best friends to boot, she deserves better. You both do. Jack sounds like a shitty friend and boyfriend.

I know this is a tough situation but coming clean is still the best choice.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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