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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Friend Doesn't Know Boundaries - May 1st 2016, 02:53 PM

One of my friends I was talking to yesterday, we don't talk a lot or hangout. He asked me we should hangout a few days ago, so I asked him if he wanted to come with me to this festival that is going on in my city. I offered to give him money and he doesn't need to pay me back. I really cared about hanging out and a giving a little money to a friend isn't a huge deal to me, I wanted to. After convincing him to accept my offer I was asking him if he is available for when I get my surgery, that if he is able to and wants to wait at the hospital for me. He said he would, so I told him I'll ask him in 2 weeks if he is still available.

The conversation went well, in terms normal.

Out of the blue he made a comment about him wanting to touch my ass. From there I told him it's unwanted and he needs to stop with the inappropriate remarks. I've talked to him about it more than three times over the times we do chat (doesn't happen all the time) but he always says he is joking. I explained that it's not a joke and he needs to stop. He then tells me that I don't know what being humorousness is and can't take a joke. It is not a joke. I told him I told him to stop doing it.

Later he tells me that my two other friends don't care. I go and ask one of my friends about it and she told me he's never said those things to her.

He's announced to me that he is horny, masturbating, needs help, wants to get laid, wants to grab my ass, etc., and every time I tell him he needs to stop telling me and I give reasons why.

I don't understand why it hasn't been clear for him to not say those things to me. He is a good person, but those remarks are concerning. It's sad really. No matter how much I explain to him to stop, he does, he says sorry, then some time passes and again he makes those remarks.

He tells me he doesn't do a lot. He also tells me he doesn't have many friends but yet I am offering to hangout with him and give him money so we can go to a festival? I don't understand. I want to make it clear to him but every time I do, he seems to understand then when some time passes... he does it again.

I am just sad about this, it makes me feel sad.

Is there away to make this clear for him so he stops asking/announcing these things to me?

Thank you!


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Re: Friend Doesn't Know Boundaries - May 1st 2016, 03:14 PM

My friend was dating a guy like that at one point. Have you considered that he hears you and understands but just doesn't care enough to stop? I would say if you keep having to tell him, maybe stop hanging out with him. Or at least see if he stops more if you don't hang out with him alone, invite other friends along.



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Re: Friend Doesn't Know Boundaries - May 1st 2016, 04:01 PM

This is over conversation, online communication. We don't usually hangout, he says these things over facebook. I thought it would be nice to hangout. I am not sure, since my other friends this doesn't happen to them, it happens to me only. He is saying these things to me only (I don't know about others he talks to, but with two of my friends, he doesn't) so I am not sure why he does it.

He could be one of those people who does those things, but he needs to stop which he doesn't understand. It's just a shame he doesn't understand that there's other things to talk about, just him making those unwanted comments.


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Re: Friend Doesn't Know Boundaries - May 2nd 2016, 05:08 AM

I agree, it seems like he hears you but thinks he can get away with continuing to talk to you like that even after you've asked him to stop. I think it would help if you become more stern with him. For instance, if you're chatting online and he says something that makes you uncomfortable, ask him to stop, and if he doesn't, tell him you're going to stop talking if he doesn't stop talking to you in that way. If he cares about you and values your friendship, he'll stop. If he doesn't, then I think you need to evaluate things and see if he's someone you truly want to be friends with.


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