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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 1st 2016, 06:02 PM

Okay, so about two years ago, I stopped all contact with my Dad. I blocked his number, blocked him off social media, and I've closed the door and moved forward with my life. With that being said, recently not only my mother in law, but my Dad's ex wife (My 'step' Mom) has been trying to get me to reconcile with my father. As it turns out, My Dad has been contacting G (What I'm going to be calling my step mum) and trying to see if she has spoken to me recently to see how I'm doing. He has also confided in her that he misses seeing Ava.

She told me this a few days ago at my sisters baby shower. Since, I've not been able to get the thought out of my head. I do miss my dad, or I miss the person he used to be rather. And I would like Ava to know who he is. Ava is my Dad's only grandchild, and with Jordan and I trying for another, everything thinks it may be best if he is around to see them grow. They keep telling me that maybe he feels bad for what he has done, and wants to move forward with my family in his future.

My anxiety has been through the roof and I'm sorta 'shutting down' in a way. I've been very calm about all of this, and I haven't gotten angry in the least. I've talked with Jordan about it, and decided I should send my father a Facebook message, so I have. I've also asked G if she would text or call him and let him know I've sent it. Since I'm not his friend on social media, I wasn't sure if he would be able to see the message or not.

Now at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I'm still not sure how I feel about letting my Dad back in to my life, and I'm not sure if he has even changed. I'm very on edge about this entire situation, and while I want to try and give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm not sure I want to deal with the added stress or aggravation that used to come with being around my Dad.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I weighed the pros and cons of letting him back in my life, then I decided to send him a message. Now I'm calmly waiting for a reply. I figure I'll deal with the next step if he even replies to the message I've sent him on social media, but is this really all I can do?

I'm sorry, I'm just a nervous wreck. Any advice would be lovely. Thanks.


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 1st 2016, 06:19 PM

First and foremost, do what you need to do to be happy. I know that can be hard to remember when everyone around you has their own opinion. While I'm on good terms with my parents, I have a friend who isn't on any terms with her father. He did a lot to hurt her and her mom (cheating and such, not abuse) and it really affected her. She tried for a long time to see if he'd change and accepting his apologies just to get hurt again. She finally decided to cut all contact with him, and she's actually changing her last name. This has made her much happier. People whose opinions she really respected told her she should let him back in, but she chose not to. I don't know what help that story can offer you, just know that you're not alone. Don't feel guilted into letting him back in.



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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 1st 2016, 11:35 PM

Thank you. This actually did help.


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 2nd 2016, 05:28 AM

I definitely agree with what's already been said. You have to do what is best for you and if you feel like things are better without your father in your life, that's how it should be. Your well-being matters so much more than the opinions of other people. After all, they're not living your life.

Forgiving and forgetting isn't your only option. I know people say forgiving is helpful because holding that anger inside isn't good for you but you have to forgive when you're ready to, and you don't have to ever forgive if you don't want to. You don't have to forget, either. You can always forgive and remember if you feel that's best for you.

Feel free to let us know if he responds to your message.


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 2nd 2016, 10:32 AM

So just an update. My father did respond to my message, and we talked this morning by phone. I let him say how he feels about the situation, and he wants to be in Ava's life, but he wants to take things slow, as I've really hurt him by not letting him see Ava. (This is what he is saying to me, just for the record.)

Apparently he has heard some rumors that I said some nasty and hurtful comments about him (none of which are true) so he is hesitant to just come back in to my life (Again, what he said, and also for the record, I wouldn't want him to just come back in anyway.)

He says he feels uncomfortable coming to my house, but invited me to his, and I was honest, and I told him I felt uncomfortable with that. He suggested that we kept the lines of communication open, and see where things unfold. I agreed to that.

With all that said, the conversation went rather well I think. Better than I expected anyway, but still not that great. Maybe my Dad really does just want us in his life. I let him get his feelings out, I didn't really want to go in to detail with him about somethings he asked about, but he was polite and didn't pry. I'm also surprised that he acted like an adult, rather than a child. So all in all, maybe this won't be such a bad decision. (At least, I hope not.)


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 2nd 2016, 11:51 PM

Hey, Ade, I'm glad you got to speak to your father this morning. Of course, that first contact after so many years isn't going to be picture-perfect, you can either make it a hit or have it be a miss. Is it possible to have a third person tag along (like G) the first time you meet him? Maybe even a fourth person, like Jordan, so you have a fall-back person if things get tough?

Does Ava know about her grandfather? I do think it's too soon to mention him to her in case things goes the wrong way, but I suggest talking to Jordan about this and see what he thinks.

I do agree that you have to do what's best, but it's also including Jordan and Ava so naturally you should talk to him, you know?

Best of luck with your dad!
   
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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 5th 2016, 12:42 AM

Hey there,

I am glad you were able to talk to him and it went relatively well. It's understandable that you both might have reservations. He heard that you talked badly about him and you are nervous because of how things were when you had him in your life etc.

I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to go to his house. Maybe you could suggest that you meet up at a neutral place such as a park or somewhere else that would be fun for Ava?

I like the idea of having a third person there who could kind of be mediator or at least help you feel more comfortable while being around him. It might be best if it's Jordan but if there is someone else you are comfortable with that could probably work as well.

I think it's good you are trying to let him back in but you need to take it at a pace that you are comfortable with. You don't have to meet anywhere that you aren't comfortable with and if he does anything that makes you upset or uncomfortable you can leave.

Best of luck.


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 5th 2016, 06:25 PM

Thanks for all the advice guys. I am going to be talking with Jordan about this soon to try and work something out. Hopefully we make some progress.


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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 12th 2016, 07:47 AM

Really, listen to your heart and do what u think is right! Love yourself and do what is good for you! I'm sure that you'll make a right decision!
   
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Re: Is forgiving and forgetting really my only option? - May 12th 2016, 10:53 AM

Thanks!


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