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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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my fdjking phone - May 2nd 2016, 05:24 AM

i got my phone taken away in november for sending inappropriate pictures, sneaking around behind my parents backs pretty much just to give oral to my boyfriend at the time, and for.. just generally being untrustworthy? i guess??

it has now been HALF A FUCKING YEAR since that shit went down, and still no sign of my phone. i've been keeping track of when they go on my phone (my google account is still on there, so they use it to see what emails i've been getting/sending and hangout messages, and i use it to see when they log on to my device.) i actually tried locking them out of my google account once, by changing the password, and they started fucking SCREECHING and CRYING about how i "wouldn't let them track me".
yeah. they ALWAYS have to have some way to spy on me or else they go nuts.

don't get me wrong, i'm all for parents looking out for their kids. it's just that i feel i've been lured into a trap. i had no idea they had these tracker programs on my phone, computer, and the house wifi. had i known that, there's no way in FUCK i would've done any of those things. (well, i still would've messed with my boyfriend in real life, but i wouldn't have texted him about it or anything.)
so by them installing these expensive programs and apps JUST to spy on my personal messages, pictures, etc.. and NOT telling me about it is, while "right" for parents to do, i feel extremely intrusive of my privacy and just morally wrong.
if they told me, i would be fine with it. annoyed, but i'd understand. but this is borderline stalking.

anyway, so i've been doing really good actually. i've been applying for jobs, looking at colleges, getting my grades up... and this isn't all "just to get my phone back". i have my own reasons for doing these things as well. in fact, i started doing these things for MY benefit, and then realized it makes me look good in front of them so it's a win-win.
so i asked my parents if there's anything more that i can do to get my phone back.
i'm ready to have a calm and mature conversation about this and they always seem to shut me down. maybe not my dad as much, but my mom gets IMMEDIATE salt about the subject whenever it comes up.
my dad just said he couldn't think of anything. my mom started lecturing me on how she feels like "i still just feel sorry for getting caught and not sorry at all for what i did."


FUCKING HELL, OF COURSE I'M NOT SORRY. I WILL NEVER BE SORRY FOR WHAT I DID. i'm a shitty kid and anyone who knows me for five minutes knows that i can't follow rules to save my life. so i devise these plans to get around them and PRIDE myself in never getting caught.
so to get caught this time was a huge insult to my dignity and to, as arrogant as it sounds, my name. people at school give me shit because they know the one person they thought could never get caught finally DID.. i'm a laughing stock now.
of course i'm only fucking sorry for getting caught. the hell?

i had my reasons for doing what i did. the pictures helped my self esteem SO MUCH. the things the guys said to me about them (some even close friends, who actually gave me a mature "review" of my body) have made me see myself in a whole new light. like maybe i'm not this fat and ugly pig i've always been made to see myself as.
and same with my ex. he made me feel wanted, when i thought no guy in the world would even want to touch me.
if i never did those things, i'd still be the little self-loathing bitch i was -- and still am, sometimes. but the old me was so much worse.

my mom is pretty much just salty because i want the chance to go through my phone and save the pictures and music i have on there so that i don't fucking lose photos that mean the world to me. photos of my old friends from last school year, who i'll probably never see again.
she said that "it might be a different story if you were okay with factory resetting your phone and just starting over fresh."
that's what they wanna do - fucking factory reset my entire phone.
just because they might erase my entire digital footprint on my phone doesn't mean that I'M starting over fresh.
hell, i'm getting a new FWB now. when i turn 18, and am no longer a "minor", i'll probably start sending those pictures again.

i'm sorry for ranting and being so fucking pissed off, but i can't help it. i've done EVERYTHING i can to show them i'm responsible and all they can do is complain about what happened.
jesus fuck, they act like i've personally offended THEM.
like THEY'RE the ones who hate themselves and have lowered and degraded themselves to such an extent that they had to be judged by fuckboys feel loved. that maybe if they sucked their boyfriends dick just one more time he'd stop cheating with all his other hoes and finally love them for who they are.
if anything, i should be offended that they didn't make me feel safe enough to tell them i had a boyfriend. i would've fucking loved to share that with them.
then they could've met him and they could've told me sooner that all he wanted was sex.
then maybe i wouldn't be a fucking rape victim right now.

just.... fuck them.

after that whole asslong story, i am so sorry for the length, i have three solutions/questions..

A. should i try harder to "be a good, responsible kid"? it's killing me to put on this mask of "yeah, maturity!!1!" but i guess i could do it for a bit longer. as sad as it sounds, i'm fucking tired of missing out on my friends. my online kik friends who have helped me through so much bullshit. all my snapchat friends, many from school last year, who i can still see what's going on in their lives but i've missed so much of it now..
is there anything more i can/should do to try and get my phone back? and, "more importantly", their trust back?
even if there was something, my mom said that just because i do things and act a certain way doesn't mean that i can "be trusted" again. she needs to see a "heart change". ...the fuck?? you mean a fucking PERSONALITY change??? cause that shit ain't happening. how can i show (more like fake) a heart change??

B. i'm strongly considering just buying a shitty old ipod touch and only using it at school with the school wifi, to still use kik and snapchat. then i won't really care about getting my phone back and maybe that's what it'll take to finally get it back?
i can just sell the ipod once i get my phone back.

C. or just wait it out and don't try anything, don't buy anything, don't do anything more, just focus on my life and move the hell on.
thing is, i really can't. i know i sound so pathetic, but i was really addicted to my phone. can you imagine if you drink coffee three times a day for two years, and then someone just comes and destroys all the coffee makers in the world? i know people try to quit their addictions cold turkey, but i went insane.
in this world, you really can't go without some kind of phone device. everyone's so accustomed to it, i even miss out on class sometimes, because teachers have converted to just "okay every take a picture of this powerpoint!" and i'm the only one there trying desperately to copy down all the notes before everyone's done taking pictures of the slide and i miss out on class.
believe it or not, my GRADES are suffering because of my lack of a phone. i used to set calendar reminders for tests and shit, but now i just fail everyone because i'm so unprepared. don't even start about an agenda, i actually have to remember to CHECK that shit first to see that there's a test scheduled.
i hate to admit it, but i really can't live without a phone. i can't. i feel like i'm missing out on so much of my life and my friends' lives, going to such far extents just to do things that could be VERY easy with a phone, and i'm suffering. yeah.
obviously this punishment isn't working anyway, because i'm still fucking around with guys (actually more so now than i was BEFORE i got in trouble) and i've still sent/shown inappropriate pics to people, through messaging, email (yep, i'm that lame) or just showing them in person on my camera.

what the fuck should i do.
(wow, talk about a first world problem. i am so sorry for the length of this, honestly, i should just kms jesus fuck...)

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline

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Re: my fdjking phone - May 2nd 2016, 05:39 AM

I don't know if your parents are easy to approach, or how comfortable you'd be with talking to them about certain things, but you did approach them about getting your phone back so I do have a suggestion. Maybe you can tell them why you sent those pictures in the first place. You can tell them that you were struggling with self-esteem, and at the time, figured that sending pictures would help you feel better. You can explain that you wanted to tell them about your boyfriend, but were nervous about it. You could try to tell your parents what they can do to help you feel more comfortable or safe in your own home. I know that's probably a long shot, but it's worth a try.

You could probably write down some arguments for getting your phone back, like setting school reminders on your phone's calendar, or anything else that could help convince your parents. You can tell your mom that you can use your phone to help you "change your heart." You can even tell them that, if you're given your phone back, you'll let them look at all of your messages and your pictures because that could help gain their trust back.

I like the idea of buying a cheap iPod to use certain apps, but if your parents were to find out about it, I think it would make them angrier than they already are and that's a risk you'll have to be willing to take if you purchase the iPod.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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Re: my fdjking phone - May 2nd 2016, 06:34 AM

Okay, I'm leaning towards agreeing with your parents here (which makes me feel SUPER old by the way) and warning you that you might not like hearing some of this, but here it is:

I definitely agree with above that you should (at least try) to explain WHY you did the things that got your phone taken in the first place, and why you're still doing them. You seem to have A LOT of insight into why you did it, I think they need to hear that. That by itself probably won't get you your phone back, but it's a really good idea. You should also try to explain how you feel about the rule breaking stuff and the fact that you have a reputation from it. It'll help them understand you better. Think of some other ways that you can get what these behaviors give you and tell them that you'll try those instead, then do it. Seeing a professional if you aren't already, could seriously help with that. Assuming your parents are open to you getting professional help, and you don't fake your way through it, that might be your best option, honestly.

The tracking stuff might make you uncomfortable, but you're right that they can use it and you know it's there now and will likely stay in place since they aren't going to trust you right away. You take issue with the fact that your mom is mad and then explain several times that she's RIGHT so obviously she knows you pretty well. The fact that you admit she's right, you are only sorry you got caught, and will continue to do this and are already etc. (whether you tell them this or not) tells me you aren't ready to get your phone back. Lying to her about "a heart change" and then faking it will just give them even more reasons not to trust you and you won't be able to maintain it. If you want to earn their trust don't do anything behind their back. Also, putting your behavior back on them because you didn't feel safe telling them things probably won't help your case either.

Your parents grew up without phones. They will just give you alternatives to using your phone for school stuff, like explaining to your teachers that you need the powerpoints up longer, using other things to keep organized etc. If your mom is looking for a serious fundamental change, then that's what will work, but not by "faking it"

Also, if you really want certain things off your phone, offer to go through it in front of them and show them what you're saving so they don't think you're trying to keep inappropriate stuff without them knowing. One major concern they have is that even if you aren't sorry for it now, those pictures may very well come back to haunt you. I know you think they won't or that you trust people or whatever, but once a picture exists, there's no taking it back and it could ruin your reputation, and wreak havoc on your life down the road.

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Last edited by Kate*; May 2nd 2016 at 06:50 AM.
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