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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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I don't think I love my mom - June 6th 2016, 01:25 AM

Well I'm 15 year old male and don't know if I love my mom anymore this isn't after a fight or something i honestly don't know anymore.shes not a bad mom she goes out of her way to make sure me and my sister are well provided for. I don't really talk to her that much she drops me off at school i don't say bye or anything, when she gets home from work she might say hi to me and ill si hi but that's about it other than asking for dinner and stuff i can't remember the last time i told her i love her, I refuse to hug her. I disagree with her style of parenting and disagree with the way she handles most parenting situations. Her and my dad got divorced when I was younger and my dad died when i was 8 so hes not around. I don't ever do anything with my mom just me and her ever i don't enjoy spending time with her i dint enjoy talking to her and dont miss her when I go to camp for a month, how do I tell if i love my mom?
   
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Re: I don't think I love my mom - June 6th 2016, 10:34 AM

It's understandable that you feel you don't have a close bond with your mum, especially if you don't really talk about things, and you disagree with her parenting. There doesn't need to be a fight for this to happen either. I also think that love is more complicated than simply loving or not loving. Perhaps you appreciate your mum for providing for you, and you love her in the sense that she has provided for you, and that's ok. Do you want to be closer to your mum? If you do, then you can start by trying to talk to her more, ask her about her day, and she should ask you about yours too. If you don't want to be closer to your mum, that's ok too. Not only is it difficult because of everything you have been through, but it's also quite common for teenagers to want more freedom, and establish an identity away from their parents too.

It also sounds like your mum may have difficulty connecting with you, as she may still be grieving over the divorce and the loss of your father. If you wanted to, you could always suggest family therapy so that you and your mum can find ways of talking to each other and getting on more. Or if you want to talk to someone, but without your mum, you could talk to a school counsellor.

You may find that as you grow up and eventually move out, that your relationship with your mum might actually get better (I know that's hard to believe but many people have found this to be the case).

But whatever happens, and however you feel is normal for you. You can't force love to happen, and while you may not have a close relationship with your mum, you are grateful for her providing for you, and in a way, that could be your love for your mum.


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Re: I don't think I love my mom - June 8th 2016, 01:50 AM

Hi there,

The teenage years can be a bit tumultuous, and can often involve redefining relationships - such as the one with your parents. Like Holly said, it's perfectly natural for you to want to explore your identity and increase your freedom during this time, and that can mean feeling more distant or disconnected from your parents. The question you have to ask yourself now is whether you want to get closer to your mother, or whether you're comfortable with the way things are (having established that there's nothing wrong with not being as close to your mother as you used to be).

If you do want to become closer to your mother, a great way to start that is to talk to her more. Maybe you could set up a regular event (such as playing board games or watching a movie once a week, or having dinner together at night) where you could both talk to each other about your day/week. The activities themselves can serve as icebreakers, because you can talk about the game/movie/food/whatever you're doing at the time, which can pave the way for more open conversation.

It's natural to disapprove of certain things our parents do or the way they handle things, but just as we need freedom from our parents, we also need to give them freedom to make their own choices (and, sometimes, mistakes). That means making a conscious effort to be understanding rather than critical, and to acknowledge that there may be some merit to the way they're doing things. That said, if you're finding that your mother's parenting style is causing issues or affecting your life in a negative way, you're well within your rights to talk to her about it and see if you can come up with a way forward that works better for both of you.

However, if you don't want to have a closer relationship with your mother at the moment, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you're in two really different places right now, and it's just not a good time to rekindle that connection. If that's the case, don't feel too bad about it; it's entirely possible that you and your mother will reconnect later on down the track, and stressing about it now won't help matters.

As for whether or not you love your mother - that's up to you to determine. Was there a time when you do remember loving her? How did that feel? When did that change? Maybe you could think about the things she does for you, and, also, the things you need from her, like what kind of support you want her to offer. Is she giving you that support? Is there an area where you feel she's lacking, and how could she improve that? As you hit your teenage years it's common to need or want different things from your parents, and if they're not providing those things then it can create distance between you. It can help to try to figure out why you don't feel connected to your mother anymore, and what you can do to rectify it (if that's what you choose to do).

I hope this helped a bit, and I wish you all the best!


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