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Father - March 30th 2017, 05:23 AM

So I'm not sure where to start with this post but I guess I should start by saying i havent spoken to or seen my father in over 10 years. my father has done a lot of horrible things throughout my life. That being said one of those horrible things was sexually abusing me for 6 years as a child which messed me up for a long time, but I've finally accepted it as my past and forgiven him for it. My forgiving him wasn't because I think he deserves to be forgiven or that what he did wasn't wrong, it was for me so I could let go of the anger before I went too far in my destructive behavior and killed myself.

Lately part of me has wanted to reach out to him and try talking to him now that I'm in a better place as a person, but the other part of me can't because it feels like by talking to him I would be betraying my mom. I feel like I have to choose between my parents which is an impossible choice. I know I wouldn't be betraying her since he is my father but every time I start to reach out to him I feel like I am and stop myself. He will always be my father so it's not like I can just forget about him. I know that's what my mom would want meveryone to do but I can't he will always be a part of me.

I guess I just don't know how to get rid of that feeling that I'll betray my mom by talking to him or if I should even try reaching out to him. Any advice?

Last edited by sweetangel12151993; March 30th 2017 at 09:42 AM.
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Re: Father - March 30th 2017, 01:55 PM

I know forgiving your father for what he did to you must have been hard, but I am sure it took a lot of strength as well. I hope doing so helped you with your anger and the other things you were experiencing.

You're right in that your dad will always be your father and you can't just forget about him. If you want to reach out to him now that you are in a better place, you can. Should you decide to reach out to him, I think you'd benefit from creating a safety plan. Sometimes seeing an abuser can be triggering and knowing what to do if you get triggered may help keep you safer.

You wouldn't be betraying your mom. Your mom doesn't have to talk to your dad if she doesn't want to. You have different ties to him than she does and even though your mom is important, you're important, too. You have to do what is best for you; if seeing your dad again is what you think is best, then your mom can't stop you.

Ultimately, whether or not you contact your dad is completely up to you. Maybe you can sit down and write a list of advantages and disadvantages and decide what to do from there. I hope you come to a decision that you feel is best.

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Re: Father - March 30th 2017, 06:34 PM

just as Cassado mentioned, it couldn't have been easy to forgive your father and you achieved something very important for yourself by doing that.
I think that overally you should ponder contacting your father itself. What I mean is that the best option in my opinion is considering whether you yourself would like to see him. This decision is crucial - your feelings and probably behaviour as well will depend on it. It's you that considers contacting your father and it is important that you know you'd like to do so.
When it comes down to you mother, I don't think you should take her into consideration in this particular matter. She doesn't have to meet your father - and you're deciding only for yourself.
I hope I helped a tiny bit. Don't hesitate to message me anytime if you ever feel like it.
Take care!

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