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MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Unhappy Brisk of SH cause I am trapped. - May 25th 2017, 11:21 AM

I am struggling, struggling to the point I feel so trapped that it feels much like my childhood. Last night, for the first time in a long time I wanted to just SH because of all the bull shit I am dealing with. Usually, I don't SH I just power through everything and wait for things out, till it passes. I am closer to breaking in half.

Truth is and admitting this is hard and disgusting because it's mind blowing, but to admit something is more happening than miscommunications is hurting me, it is more than this. I am shaking right now and I am completely and utterly lost in what to do right now.

It is evident that I need to move out of my cousin's place...

At the beginning I didn't see it, it was miscommunications so I tried not to have conversations over text for the life of me. She would, it felt like she would pick things out and go on and on about. I guess it was subtle things like, "Chantal, try [health product] it will help with all your problems you are talking about." Then, she would nag me saying I wasn't helping my health and I will continue to "suffer" and "be sick". Later, she would say how I was feeling, thinking was in the past and to throw it out, it doesn't exist anymore. From that, she would ask me questions like, "do you really want to suffer still? Why are you allowing this to control you, what happened doesn't have anything to do with the 'right now'" Then she would throw my attitude in the picture, on how I look at the world or myself.

I limited the amount of information I told her, but she is my cousin, the only family member I talk to. Sometimes, things just come up in general conversations. We were sitting eating on Tuesday, I mention something about the local news and how the Mayor is pushing for a positive outcome for an issue that has been going on. I mention this and she quickly asks me, "why are you reading the depressing news, this is why so many people are sick in the world because they read that shit." I tried to explain myself and she wouldn't allow me to finish. She thinks by reading something my mind is ill (like with everything else).

I took a lot of time researching a program at the College, I found one that I really like. I tell my cousin that I am starting College in July for Applied Management. From there she asked me questions on, "where would this get you a job," to, "what is the purpose of taking this program." answering her wasn't good enough, "that doesn't answer my question and you really don't know what you want." then telling me the program to her doesn't sound like a good fit and I wouldn't be good at it. She was listing things about me that I would be setting myself up to fail. At that point, I tried to let her know that I don't know what to expect but I knew what it's about. She told me I didn't understand. Then later saying, "maybe you will be good at it, but who knows."


I pay my cousin $400 every month for her to walk my dog because she didn't like the walkers who came here to walk Bentley. I said fine. Lately, she is pissing me off, controlling me and my dog, so I was fed up and went back to a daycare he used to go to. The lady who will be picking him up stopped by to meet him and where he sleeps/stays. After, I felt good and said, "I really like her." My cousin is then like, "I don't like that Bentley will be around other dogs in a situation if they were to get aggressive." then, "I wouldn't want him to go there because you won't know." Then asking me a judging question, it sounded like I am okay to allow it. Jesus fuck, he is a dog he needs to socialize and run around and walks right now don't provide that. I am paying for this and she was happy about it because she will have more time to do her own thing and not worry about my dog.

I am not sure if I want to laugh or be speechless... my cousin doesn't want me to use laundry soap that I use because it causes cancer... I am lazy and fed up to explain it, so I will post the conversation of her controlling BS.

Her: "Check that the soap is natural or scent free please. Just because it says lavender doesn't mean it is natural. There are tons of artificial lavender products. Safest bet is if bought from a health store."

Me: I bought it walmart. I'm not switching it as its still full and not wasting it. I'll open windows and make sure the AC/air is off when I do laundry.

Her:"Amazing how we can think that poisoning ourselves is less important than something called "wasting" it. Less important than money. Or that it's okay to poison the environment. It's not worth it. I'll pay you for my health (and yours) to not use it. And please only buy unscented in the future."

Me:I am not changing what I buy as I think different than you. I feel comfortable with using the laundry soap I use. I will put it in my storage and will use whatever you buy that is suitable to use then.

Her:"No, I am not saying that I will pay for your laundry soap going forward. Just this bottle, as I said don't buy scented in the future. If you don't like this then unfortunately you will have to find someplace else to live. This attitude is not how you get along with people in a community. If it is an action that does not affect other people then no problem, it's purely your business. This is not one of those actions. You must take other people you live with into account. If you do not take my health wishes into account then you cannot stay here. It's your choice."

Me: I will go and find something else then. May I also ask from you that you stop telling me what to do with my life and respect it also. You tell me not to eat something or buy this and that, it is my body and I can put whatever I want in it. That doesn't affect you or harm you as you don't come into contact with it or eat it. If you aren't okay with my own health than that isn't my problem as its my health and not anyone else's. For an example, Monday I wanted a small cone but you judged me saying I will regret it and I responded as I was okay with it and didn't care. It was Victoria Day and my birthday weekend, it's not going to kill me. I never did as you judged me and I never even bought it but wanted to for a treat. That, it's my own body. If I want to have something I don't need your approval

Her: "Well then you should stop asking me for advice or help regarding your body. Do you see how this is non-sense? I will never stop caring about you. And whether or not I care enough to give advice doesn't mean you have to take it. Don't you see you are free?

This attitude you are expressing right now feels yucky. To me and it must to you. This is not the attitude of an adult. I did nothing to judge you you judged yourself. All I said was don't eat that now it's 11 AM it's soon lunch. Please stop judging me as if I judge you. I really don't like this attitude. You are a wonderful person without it. I don't want to live with it.
Adults don't say well "then I'm not going to do this or that," or "stop this or that" in retaliation, or to assert oneself. That's a pouting child. You are not that... You don't need to assert yourself--you are already free! Just do what you want. It's not useful either--to say never talk to me about me (or my body) is impossible. Don't care about me. Don't suggest something different. That's nuts! No matter what I say or suggest, you are free, so don't make me responsible for your choices, or your imagination that I am judging. I am not. Never will. If you feel as though, it's because you are judging you (and likely me!)"

I feel trapped. I can't move as I need first and lasts months... and I have plans to start College in July. It feels I need to be invisible from her and not interact with her but it's not always possible. I am at a breaking point of SH because I am trapped. The people I talk to about this, they all tell me to find another place, then another friend told me to get rid of my dog, and telling me she is controlling and crazy. Everyone I know, knows I am not happy, they can tell, they feel it. It is my never ending story of her, what else do I do? Besides the obvious of moving out and my god, I am going to make efforts towards that.

I know she is controlling. Unhealthy. Unstable.

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cynefin Offline
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Re: Brisk of SH cause I am trapped. - May 26th 2017, 12:39 PM

It sounds like this feels incredibly frustrating but hopefully posting about it here helped a little bit.

Have you told anyone you've been feeling like self-harming, or that living with your cousin reminds you or your childhood? Perhaps you can talk to your therapist about it if you haven't already. Maybe he would have some helpful advice, coping skills, or a different perspective to offer. In the meantime, do you have any favorite alternatives or coping skills you like to use? Maybe you can take a walk, go see friends, or watch some movies.

Avoiding an unhealthy person can sometimes be helpful but it does get hard because there isn't always an opportunity to avoid them. Besides staying away from your cousin when you can, you could also consider playing her game. That could mean agreeing with what she says or doing what she wants just to humor her until you're able to move out. Playing her game may not be ideal, but it is an option and it can help, especially when nothing else seems to help.

It's awesome that you're starting college in July; that will be a great thing to focus on. It'll keep you distracted and away from your cousin. Maybe you can consider joining clubs or activities your school has to offer, depending on your schedule.

It's easier said than done but keep holding on. Hopefully you won't have to live with your cousin for too much longer.

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