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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Guess who (again) - May 26th 2017, 10:02 AM

I feel like I've made WAY too many of these lately, but my family has officially reached a new level of ridiculous. This will be mostly venting, but if you have any ideas/responses feel free to share.

My mom is the only one who is still trying to hold this family together. She's the only one insisting on family gatherings for holidays,and we're two of the only ones who show up. I have 3 aunts who do most of the helping when it comes to grandma. Two of them are aunts by marriage, so they're dealing with their own mothers who are having their own (somewhat urgent) health issues, and then my mom's only sister who spends weekends at her second property about 45 minutes away.

Mom was at Grandma's yesterday where she had to help her with a personal (and very gross) recurring health issue which, trust me, you don't want the details of. I will say that Grandma has brought this one on herself. Then someone called to ask for donations and while mom is sitting there, grandma decides to get chatty with the donation lady and tell her "I have stuff to donate, but I can't get to any of it because no one will help me clean." This is utter bull shit. She was paying my mom and aunt for MONTHS to go over there and clean out stuff and they eventually had to give up because she refused to let go of anything! My aunt and uncle also "clean" once a week, but we're not sure how much they're actually doing. Meanwhile my other aunt is posting sunset pictures on Facebook and talking about how amazing her vacation is! They're not even trying to hide the fact that they're running away anymore, and the others who were carrying the majority of the load are starting to do the same thing or are dealing with their own stuff.

On Mother's Day, my aunt decided to plan everything and told us to buy the drinks, but didn't think it was fair that we go over and drink grandma's drinks, so we packed up a cooler with a ton of drinks and bought snacks and everything and half the people didn't even show up. Mom's expecting tons of people and I know they're not coming, but she won't listen then they don't come. One of them had an emergency, but no one told us they weren't coming. Mom made me dress up, and wear my new shoes, and comb my hair about 20 times, we were miserable and no one even spoke to me. My cousin fell asleep for God's sake!

Since Monday is a holiday, Mom's going over there and she's pissed that no one else is planning anything. I told her not to after yesterday, but she's insisting that 'We have to." NO WE DON'T. Just because Grandma thinks she's entitled doesn't mean she is, and if no one else has to, we don't either. After yesterday SHE deserves to "run away" more than anyone! I told her "I'm a grown woman, I don't have to go if I don't want to." So, I don't have to go, but we can't even give her a gentle version of the truth! Mom's going to lie about why I'm not there. I will go for her 90th birthday next month and all the "major holidays" but that's it. I'm wearing what I want, and I'm only going when I absolutely have to. I wish she would STOP trying already. Everyone else has given up, she's stressing herself out for people who barely care, and between Grandma's constant complaining and playing the victim, no one can deal with it anymore.


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Re: Guess who (again) - May 26th 2017, 10:57 AM

This is a very difficult situation to be in and I understand your frustration.

My guess is that the reason your mom keeps making an effort and helping out is because she is probably worried that if she doesn't do it no one else will and it will leave your grandmother in a really bad place.

When my grandmother was alive (She was my mom's mom) she ended up moving to a low income apartment that was out in the middle of no where. She couldn't drive so she needed quite a bit of help. And, it ended up falling on my dad's shoulders (My parents were divorced but my dad had known my grandma since he was like 14?). Anyway, my dad used to have to drive out to where she was and take her shopping and do all kinds of stuff for her. My grandma was a really difficult person at times and my dad would get frustrated at the things she would do and having to help her but if he didn't do it then no one else would (My mom and grandma did not get along and my mom is a pretty damn selfish person).

I ended up asking my dad why he kept doing things for my grandma even though she could be mean and annoying and he said because he knew no one else would do it.

It's probably very similar for your mom and adding to the fact that it is her mom ... it is likely that she feels a sense of obligation to get together for holidays and things like that.

I think that taking a stand like you did and making the choice to not go is really all you can do. You could talk to your mom about your feelings on her doing everything she is doing but it might not really do much to change the situation. However, I see no reason why you should do things you don't want to or things that make you uncomfortable.


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Re: Guess who (again) - May 26th 2017, 09:40 PM

That's what I think too, and she's the oldest so it's even worse. Some of the others do do stuff for her, but they still have kids, spouses, and jobs, plus possibly their own parents to deal with, so Mom is doing a lot too. For the record, I'm not suggesting abandonment here, she just deserves a sudden vacation like the rest of them get.


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