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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Not sure what to do. (Serious advice needed) - June 25th 2017, 03:05 PM

I NEED SOME SERIOUS ADVICE.

Okay, so I'm struggling to know what to do. I take my Mamaw everywhere. To her doctor's appts, the store, the park, everywhere. Since Papaw died, she has only been able to rely on me, because her children act like she is the scum of the earth. Anyway, she has since been super hateful to me, and snaps at me for no reason. I could ask her if we could stop in the way to her house and pick up some lunch, for example, and she would just yell at me saying she was tired and didn't want to go through a drive thru, but if I tell her I'm in a bit of a rush to get Jordan from work, or something like that, she acts like I'm breaking her heart saying things like, 'But I never get to come out to town, can't Jordan get a ride with a friend or something.'

Granted, I've never made Jordan get a ride with a friend, but it's so frustrating. She will call me 2 in the morning asking me to drag Ava out for nothing more than she wants fast food. (I've also never drove out that early, but it's just the premise of her asking.) She knows I'm severely socially anxious, yet will yell at me if I ask to sit in the car while she is shopping. (Now my Mamaw is my mothers mom, and my Grams is my dad's mom, and my grams if 4 ft tall and disabled so actually needs help while shopping, but mamaw on the other hand is in good health and doesn't actually need nor want the help, she just wants me following her around.)

I've talked to Jordan about this, and he suggests for me to stop taking her to the store, and force her children to actually do it, and ONLY help her if its a real emergency. If she has zero food and no one will take her, not just when she wants to go, and no taking her to the mall or out shopping for things that aren't food, because it's not necessary. And only taking her to doctors appts (because those can be serious)

I think I just feel so guilty about that. I can only imagine what my Papaw would say to me if I were to tell him this, but honestly, she sucks the life out of me. She makes me miserable. Everytime I go around her, I instantly stress out and feel so upset and anxious. Most of the time, by the time I return from spending the day 'helping' her I'm a crying mess, and when I bring it up to her that she treats me poorly, she makes excuses for her actions, saying she wasn't feeling well (she's never feeling well) or that she was just 'stressed out' that day. I'm ALWAYS stressed out in public. ALWAYS. NO MATTER WHAT. But that doesn't mean I treat anyone badly.

I don't know what I should do. I need some serious advice. I'm at my wits end, and I'm going to end up losing it.


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Re: Not sure what to do. (Serious advice needed) - June 25th 2017, 06:10 PM

You have no idea how much I can relate. I personally don't have to take care of my grandma myself, but she acts exactly the same way. Family members are starting to distance themselves, leaving the rest to pick up the slack while she complains about litetally everything. My mom said the last time she was there for about 3-4 hours, EVERY word out of grandma's mouth was a complaint. When I asked why people put up with it, they make excuses for her that they wouldn't take if anyone else acted that way and claim that her age and guilt are valid reasons.

I think Jordan is right, the only way to get anywhere with her us going to be to set the boundaries and say you won't continue unnecessary help if she's going to treat you like this. You could also start your visit by firmly (but calmly) explaining what you are there to do and that after those things are done, you're going to leave, or that you have to leave at or by a specific time. She's guilt-tripping you because it works, but you don't deserve to be miserable no matter who you're dealing with. If this is a sudden change, it might be worth a doctor's visit because there could be a medical cause, otherwise, tough love is really the only way.


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Re: Not sure what to do. (Serious advice needed) - June 27th 2017, 04:03 AM

I think that you do need to set boundaries. You are the one who has to determine what those boundaries are. If you want to do as Jordan suggested and only take her if she has no food then so be it. I think that Jordan's suggestion might be the one you have to go for but you could also do something like set aside a day or two days a week where you will take her to do her shopping and go to the mall etc. Those two days are the only days you will be able to help her out and if she calls you to come help her on a day other than those days you set aside you will tell her no.

Honestly, there are a lot of ways you can set boundaries. My dad had to take care of my Mom's mom because my mom wouldn't. My grandma would make my dad do all kinds of things for him and periodically he would just tell her that he can not help at that point and time and they will have to find another day to do so.

You have to do what is right for you. If helping her is causing you that much stress and anxiety then it probably is not healthy to help her as often as you are. Personally, I think that minimizing your time with her might be helpful.

You can also 'experiment' with your boundaries and see what works. Say you decide to pick one or two days out of the week that you go to her and then for some reason that doesn't help. Then you could do what Jordan suggested etc.

Just because you aren't going to be able to help her as often doesn't mean you don't care about it. I have seen the posts you've made about her in the past and I know you do care. However, you deserve to be treated with respect and it doesn't sound as though she is doing that at this point in time.

Best of luck.


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Re: Not sure what to do. (Serious advice needed) - June 27th 2017, 02:41 PM

Thanks for the advice guys!


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