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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Name: jess
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i feel like a bad person - June 29th 2017, 08:05 PM

there have been a couple times where i've had to cut off people even though some of them were good people. like people who actually did care about me, and i just feel like i manipulated them and hurt them in some accidental way.

i've never really been the one to end friendships or relationships, and i don't really know why that is. i guess it could be partially due to self-esteem issues, and not realizing that i'm better than dealing with some of the more toxic people. but i also don't like closing doors, really. i know people can change drastically. so while i'm not sitting around waiting on them to change, i'm leaving the door open to a better relationship/friendship in the future.
i'm the type of person to always want to stay friends with exes, even if it hurts to see them move on. again, not because i'm counting on us becoming anything, but just to see what the future holds.
and there have been many times where its paid off to keep some people around.

maybe i've just been meeting worse people lately. idk. tinder is actually to blame for the people i'm about to talk about, though.. i just realized.
the first guy.. basically, we talked for a few weeks and became good friends too quickly. except, only after i became more interested in him, did he send a picture of his body and that ended any thoughts i had of becoming more than friends. (i don't like to judge on appearance, but it's very important to me to date someone who takes care of their body and prioritizes fitness as much as i do.) luckily, the more we talked, i realized even the interest i had before was only infatuation, because he seemed so much more interesting than any other tinder guys (and trust me, they set the bar hella low). but i soon realized we weren't meant for each other at all, and was cool with just being friends. i made this clear.
however, he kept trying to advance the relationship and i think he even went as far to tell me he loved me and how sexy i was etc. just things that seriously creeped me out. i guess that's cool to hear from someone you feel the same about, but if those statements aren't reciprocated it just feels invasive and weird. i asked him a few times to stop that and that it made me hella uncomfortable, but he kept going... kept talking about "our future" and how he hoped to make me his one day. he even tried dirty talking and that was when i got out of it and stopped replying.
slowly but surely our conversations got shorter and shorter, and finally i made up some lie about my phone getting taken away so that he'd stop texting me. i felt really bad, because every time i changed my profile pic, he'd notice and text me again, hoping i "got my phone back".

it just sucks because he was someone who listened to my sob stories about my life when i was feeling down and he'd actually make me feel a lot better. but he also made me super uncomfortable other times.

there was a second guy who was raped as a kid, so we "bonded" over the fact that we both experienced rape and actually found someone who understood what we felt. for the first few weeks we were talking, he seemed awesome and fun, so we decided to meet up.
he mentioned nothing about sex in those few weeks we were texting, but within 5 minutes of me arriving at his house (it was a strange area for me, so we were meeting up there so he could show me around) he started pressuring me to have sex with him. i got major flashbacks to being raped, so i panicked and said yes to "save myself" from being raped against my consent.
after that, though, we went and got coffee and everything seemed great. we tried to see if we could be in a relationship, but every time i came over we just had sex. it was weird but the more we had sex, the more closed off i became with him, and so our friendship and feelings didn't get very far because i just wasn't able to be myself and have fun around him.
he would yell at me, manipulate me, use me, and it ended in hella betrayal.
he ended up screwing me over majorly, and i lost a lot of money thanks to him. not to mention all the drama and bullshit he put me through.

he tried to still be supportive afterwards, and i just ignored it. he DMed about my graduation post on instagram telling me congrats. and i just snapped. i had unfriended him from snapchat, we hadn't talked in months, i blocked his main account from following me and forgot about the side one. i thought by now he would've either noticed i hadn't been talking to him and try to reach out, or he would've forgotten completely and never talk to me again. but the fact that he just so casually tried to hit me up again after what he did kind of pissed me off, like he had no idea what he put me through.
so i told him to unfollow me, and he thought i had the wrong person at first. he was like, "you know this is me, right?" and i just repeated "unfollow me lmao". he said, "it must be that time of the month or som' idk why you mad" and i replied, "i'm not mad, i just don't want you in any part of my life. unfollow me."
he said okay and that he respected that, yet he STILL didn't unfollow me and i ended up having to block. i didn't block at first just to see if he actually felt bad about any of it, and if he would actually respect me enough to leave me alone on his own terms. but even then, i still had to be the one to get him out of my life.
so that time it felt really good to cut someone off. and bad, knowing that he used me.

annnnd this third guy. we talked for a month or so before meeting up. i was still dealing with the rape when i started talking to him, so he was super supportive and somehow got me to tell him everything i had been through, including how bad even my past relationships were. he was just surprised that no guy had treated me right in my life, as far as romantically speaking.
so he was determined to be that hero guy, i guess. it was actually really nice. he wanted to show me that not all guys are dickholes.
first time we met, he looked a lot different from his pictures. he commented on that and said the pics were from when he was a bit younger and more "slim". he refused to say he was overweight now, but just called himself wide. like i mentioned before, i don't really roll with that so i pretty much used that first meeting as just getting to know someone who i saw as a friend.
next time we met up was closer to christmas, so he brought me one of those christmas-sy tins with the sugar cookies in them. i appreciated the gift, don't get me wrong, but with being all about eating healthy and getting fit, i was concerned how every time we met up he got me something unhealthy.
those cookies are still sitting untouched in that tin and idk what to do with them. i was about to throw them out the other day, but i just feel so bad when i think that he spent money on me.

christmas is also my birthday, and he knew that, so as it was getting closer he kept asking me stuff like, "do you like fruity smelling things?" and when i asked why he'd just laugh and get all suspicious.
after my bday passed and i still hadn't been able to meet him up, he kept saying, "dude we have to hang out again, i got you a present and i need to give it to you."
i don't know why, exactly, but he grossed and creeped me out too. my counselor said that it's because, when we're so used to being treated a certain way, it can feel gross to be treated the way we're supposed to be treated, because we feel like we don't deserve it. i think she's right, but i also know he was acting kinda desperate and trying to move things a LOT faster than i was ready for. especially considering i wasn't attracted to him nor did i really want to be in a relationship with him.
i kept blowing him off and canceling the "plans" we made... (plans that i made knowing damn well i wasn't going). it got to the point where i wouldn't even talk on the phone with him. we were just two completely separate people and i didn't like spending my time on him.
he asked if i'd ever date him and i said no, because we had nothing in common. he got really upset and we stopped talking for a couple weeks. he said if i needed anything, to just hit him up.

we started talking again once he got over it (more or less) and then he started asking me to be his FWB. it kind of seemed like he was trying to subtly play the "nice guy who got friendzoned" card, and bring up all the nice things he did for me and how i "owed him" a "turn" with me. just the fact that he asked when it would be his turn with me made me feel really cheap and kind of offended. like who says he even gets a turn? since when do we refer to sleeping with people as "getting a turn" as if they're some of object we can just use. you take turns passing a blunt or driving on a roadtrip. you don't take turns with having sex with people.
after that, when he asked me to hang out, i came up with any excuse possible just to never see him again.
i felt really horrible the entire time, but after he wanted to be friends with benefits, the creepy way he stared at me and all the shit he did made a lot more sense, and i didn't feel comfortable being alone with him.

he never got to give me that present, which makes me feel even worse because that means he wasted money on me. i can only hope he ended up returning it, and that it's not sitting around in his room and every time he looks at it he feels sad.
about a month ago was the last time he asked me when we could hang out. i said i would be getting out of school soon and i'd let him know. he replied, "no you won't but okay " which shows how salty he was about the whole thing. he hasn't asked again since.
last night i texted him and asked if he wanted to finally hang out. he immediately said, "what, your friends aren't available?" and i said that they are, but that i felt bad for always blowing him off and wanted to finally make it right. he finally rejected me for once, saying he prefers to be alone now, but thanks for the thought.

i realize how my gesture was more so based on selfishness, and how i felt like shit for treating him badly this entire time, so i wanted to make myself feel better by doing something good for him.

it just makes me feel bad, and it's such a hard thing to do.. cutting people off. there was that one time where it paid off, but i'm wondering if it was the right thing to do the other times.
with the last guy, i haven't exactly cut him off, i suppose. i guess it's probably over, at least for now. the only other time he would text me was to comment on something on my story, but i have him blocked from viewing my story now.
i just feel bad, and i don't know if i've accidentally played all these people or gave them the wrong idea or what. but i always try to be as honest as possible with people, and it seems like the first and third guy ignored what i said about just being friends and only focused on the hope they had for furthering the relationship.
was i wrong to treat them the way i did? or was it just a simple case of two people not working well together?

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline

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Re: i feel like a bad person - July 1st 2017, 02:41 PM

It is definitely hard to cut people off but it doesn't seem like you've accidentally played people or given them the wrong idea. You said you always try to be as honest as possible, and that's a good thing. Do you have low self-esteem? Maybe low self-esteem or other things you're going through could make you think that you have accidentally given these people the wrong idea.

It seems like you were pretty clear when you said you didn't want a relationship with these people; they tried pushing your boundaries and that's a fault of their own. Not your fault. You cut these people off because they made you uncomfortable and that is a good enough reason to do so. You have to look after yourself before you look after anyone else and that is what you did by cutting these people off.

It wasn't wrong to leave these people the way you did, especially when you were clear with your boundaries and they kept pushing you. These people likely have their own things to work through and they could benefit by working on themselves so they don't feel the need to push other people's boundaries.

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