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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
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Oh god please not again!!!! - July 14th 2017, 03:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

there's this guy at the support group who've been coming a few times now and last month he got into an accident, he was hit by a motorcycle while on his bike and lost his ability to speak. Since then me and my friend S have beentrying to help him and make sure his needs are being heard. My friend S got a schedule conflict for the summer so she isn't going to support group for July and August. The support group meets 2 times and month and the next one is July 19th and i was planning to go wothoit S as she csnt come.
I added this guy on facebook because he asked and I didn't think too much of it. I noticed he has been looking at me a certain way when we are in person. But he doesn't really go into his feelings much. On Facebook he private messages me several times and I don't really know him that well so sometimes I answer and sometimes I just don't and then he continues to message me.

The turning point was a couple of days ago my friend S messaged me saying the guy whom she added on Facebook too has been weird and she used the word "dangerous". She sent me a copy of the message. It was something a bit ambiguous about a way to make money and that he can introduce her to people.

My first thought was, that sounds like he is implying sex work. The second thought I had was it might be been one of those pyramid schemes that involve you to recruit others and that's where the people he knows come in. So I told her that because he is daily new to the USA maybe he doesn't know pyramid schemes are a scam and maybe warn him. She told me "idk"

Today he messaged me a sticker "hey boo"
I told him. "What does this mean? I don't get it"
He said "friends with benefits"

Like what?! We never talked about that. I don't want him trying to assault me and calling it friends with benefits!

This is what guys do to me all the dam time!

Why why why why

I don't want him to hurt me. I'm so scared. I never consented to friends with benefits.
   
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Re: Oh god please not again!!!! - July 14th 2017, 05:15 AM

yeah that's not okay at all...? like i don't know what the hell got into his head that made him think that was in any way appropriate.

you have every right to feel the way you do, and whatever you want to do about it is okay because that's your decision. you have control over this.

i get that he's having a difficult time being impaired now, and i think it's awesome that you and your friend tried to help him. however, he is kind of using your friendship and help and trying to use you instead, and that's not cool at all.

you could try talking to him about this, saying he's making you uncomfortable and that you still want to assist him but you'd appreciate it if he'd stop making those kind of remarks.
or you could cut him off and block him, stop talking to him at group. i think conversation and talking about things is always good to try though, so as long as your comfortable with talking or messaging him about it, i think that would be a good start.

if this persists i highly recommend you talk to the people in charge of the support group about it privately. it would be awful if this guy ruined support group for you, because i think having a group of people to talk to is a great thing. make sure they know he's making you uncomfortable and hopefully they can help to some degree.


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Re: Oh god please not again!!!! - July 14th 2017, 05:57 AM

I emailed the facilitator. Last time she was the one who read off what he wrote so he can particulate in the group. I was planning to be the one to do it but I came late as I was coming from my first day of work and still adjusting. I'm thinking of just not going on the 19th or at all for a while.
I have spoke a lot about the rough family life I go and I don't feel safe to keep opening up and having him know so much intimate details about me. He also lives pretty close to my friend S and had wanted the 3 of us to have a picnic at the park near both of their houses.

He said he will be getting back his speech eventually. Plus we are allowed to go whenever we want so the facilitator is already prepared to help him if I'm not there


Usually when I tell guys it is inappropriate and to please stop they block me on Facebook so I just deleted him without giving him a chance to redeem himself. I just can't trust. I am probably being petty and stupid but then that's good I removed myself so he doesn't have to put up with rude and petty behaviors

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; July 14th 2017 at 06:12 AM.
   
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Re: Oh god please not again!!!! - July 14th 2017, 01:21 PM

It is good that you emailed the facilitator about this. Did you let her know that given what this guy has said, you don't feel safe opening up about what you're going through anymore? If not, telling her that is something to consider.

You aren't being petty at all. You have to look out for yourself and in deleting him you did what you felt was best. You're not petty and stupid at all. It isn't him who shouldn't have to deal with you, it is the other way around.

If you don't feel safe going on the 19th, then you don't have to go. You could go somewhere else during that time to keep your mind busy.


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Re: Oh god please not again!!!! - July 14th 2017, 09:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
It is good that you emailed the facilitator about this. Did you let her know that given what this guy has said, you don't feel safe opening up about what you're going through anymore? If not, telling her that is something to consider.

You aren't being petty at all. You have to look out for yourself and in deleting him you did what you felt was best. You're not petty and stupid at all. It isn't him who shouldn't have to deal with you, it is the other way around.

If you don't feel safe going on the 19th, then you don't have to go. You could go somewhere else during that time to keep your mind busy.


Thank you. So I tried the talking to him first thing before i dekeyed him. I told him what he said was hurtful and inappropriate. Then he wasnt answeing and im judt like whatever i dont expect him to understand (though part of me was hoping he would) and left him deleted but not blocked. He did end up answering. His reply was "I just joking" which is what most guys who've done something wrong to me had said including my dad. It irks me so much. My father slapped me more than once and called it a joke. My sisters said some very insulting and shaming things and passed it off as just a joke.

When I emailed the facilitator I didn't mention not feeling safe to talk about my family or to participate at the group. I think i should have waited to gather my thoights because looking back i may have been unclear. I just kept emphasizing that "I'm concerned about someone at the group"
I will try to add the feeling unsafe part in there if/when I hear back from her which will probably be Monday
It's just that I have mentioned at the group the way my family treats me and then call it a joke and how my dad had made sexual comments/jokes to me and how uncomfortable I felt and how everytime I try to escape my home life I run into someone (usually a guy) who hurts me and usually in spaces for support.
And then he just plays the exact role of that kind of guy, saying it was just a joke.
This guy knows so much about me....and he had been asking me about whether I'm going to the group on the 19th which I didn't reply to
   
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Re: Oh god please not again!!!! - July 16th 2017, 01:59 PM

It must have been hard when he said he was joking, especially when your family has done inappropriate things and played them off as jokes. A lot of people tend to do that to cover things up.

If the facilitator knows that people in the group are feeling unsafe to share due to this person, she may end up taking some sort of action. Best of luck when you talk to her on Monday. I'll be thinking of you.

Are you skipping the group on the 19th?


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