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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Unhappy Scared to talk to friends - July 31st 2017, 10:58 PM

I've posted about this a million times I know but no matter how much I get reassured and then feel better, the feeling better thing has an end.
I've posted about the friends that called me abusive and how it's affected me. I know I'm not an abuser, and I keep thinking that that whole situation itself was abusive to me. But anyways, I have a different set of friends now that might/might not know about the situation that happened and it's not a big deal if they know because I can always explain or them just not be my friend anymore. But here's the thing. I've been feeling a bit sad and lonesome, and I wanna chat with friends, see what they've been up to this summer and all, maybe plan some outings when we all move back on the 19th to the dorms again. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'm bothering them because when I was friends with the people who called me abusive they said that when I text them with my issues or something offensive that I want to rant about it's abuse. I know right now I'm not gonna talk about myself to my friends unless they ask or give me an ok to vent, but it's like I'm afraid that anything I do will be seen as abusive to them. I wanted to text my friend Jamie who I love and trust with my life, but I don't know if their phone is working or not, also I don't wanna text them like hey here's my issues when I haven't texted them since the semester ended but I feel if I text one of my friends about how I feel about friendships and shit now then I'll feel better about texting the whole groupchat asking how everyone's summer's been. I feel like just having online friends is not helping me, and I want to reach out to all my good irl friends, but just that little thought in the back of my head is like screaming that I'm abusive for just reaching out.

TL;DR: I'm scared to talk to my friends because of the abusive friends influence on my ideas of friendships but I trust no one else but one friend that may or may not available. What do I do to feel better about friendships?


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 3rd 2017, 01:17 PM

It's understandable to feel that way, given how your last friends treated you.

You said you haven't texted that one friend you trust for a while and you don't want to talk about how you're feeling right away because of that. Maybe you can text them and ask them how they've been doing and how their summer has been, and then after a little bit of time you could tell them how you're feeling?

You could consider looking for an affirmation or two that you like and repeating them to yourself several times a day, or when you feel abusive for thinking of reaching out to your friends. For instance, you could say that you're a good person and you're not an abuser; that the idea of being an abuser is untrue.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 4th 2017, 01:21 AM

I think Cassado brought up a really great idea, and I really think that sometimes just talking to your friends - even if it's not about what's going on to upset you - can help a lot. I struggle with thinking that I'm talking too much about my problems or my issues with my friends, as I've had some that have told me off for it, but as you already know, you are not an abuser. I feel like you have a good friendship with this one friend as you seem to trust her a lot, so text her. Reach out and ask them how they are. I know it's scary to open up, especially after what's happened with your other friend. You might also consider telling your close friend about the fears you have when you bring up things that are going on in your life as well. It may help you to put into place some things that you can feel more comfortable reaching out to them in the future.


"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 6th 2017, 04:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post

You said you haven't texted that one friend you trust for a while and you don't want to talk about how you're feeling right away because of that. Maybe you can text them and ask them how they've been doing and how their summer has been, and then after a little bit of time you could tell them how you're feeling?
I tried doing that today but the simple act of texting that friend to just ask how they've been doing just scares me so much. I tried texting the group chat again but can't even get myself to send that "hey yall how has everyone been?" text because idk i feel like everyone knows about the situation that happened and hates me for it or something idk. I want to wait until classes start to actually talk to them about what's been troubling me but I wanna chat with them now just to see how everyone has been but just the simple act of texting everyone makes me scared. I don't know how to get over this.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 7th 2017, 01:08 PM

What if you try doing something before and after texting the group to help keep your mind busy? For instance, you could take a walk, bake something, read a book, or do something you find soothing or good to keep busy with. You could type in the message and then let it sit for a while, and quickly send it later before you have time to second guess yourself. After that, you could keep your mind occupied so you're not nervous about waiting for a reply.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 8th 2017, 06:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
What if you try doing something before and after texting the group to help keep your mind busy? For instance, you could take a walk, bake something, read a book, or do something you find soothing or good to keep busy with. You could type in the message and then let it sit for a while, and quickly send it later before you have time to second guess yourself. After that, you could keep your mind occupied so you're not nervous about waiting for a reply.
Ok so I did that and it was a huge success although not all friends replied most did and we started sharing what we've done this summer it was great! I didn't feel bad after because my friends seemed like they genuinely liked chatting!
I just wonder when would be a good time to bother my close friend on what I'm bothered about? I don't want to text them too late or too soon and I don't want to wait until school starts again to talk to them so idk...


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 10th 2017, 12:57 PM

That's good! I'm glad it went well.

Was the friend you're close to in the group chat? If so, maybe you can text them and say you enjoyed talking in the group chat recently and you want to know when they'll be by their phone for a little bit so you can text for a few minutes. If your friend wasn't in the group chat, you could text them and ask them how they're doing before you tell them what's bothering you.

As for when to text, any time should be good especially since talking to them has the potential to help you a lot. So, the sooner you talk to them, the faster you'll feel relieved.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 12th 2017, 03:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post


Was the friend you're close to in the group chat? If so, maybe you can text them and say you enjoyed talking in the group chat recently and you want to know when they'll be by their phone for a little bit so you can text for a few minutes. If your friend wasn't in the group chat, you could text them and ask them how they're doing before you tell them what's bothering you.

As for when to text, any time should be good especially since talking to them has the potential to help you a lot. So, the sooner you talk to them, the faster you'll feel relieved.
I just get worried I'll overwhelm them with my issue. I don't want to contact them and make it all weird because they know the people in the situation and I don't know I have a lot of doubts I guess still stemming from the situation. Is there anything I can say to make sure it's not a bother to them? I was thinking of asking permission to vent to them before I go and tell them everything. Is this a good idea? Or should I just forgo the entire venting? I know I can trust this friend but I don't know I'm just really worried talking about what happened might make things worse or something.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 12th 2017, 01:52 PM

You could definitely ask if it is okay to vent to them before getting into things. That could help prepare both you and them with what you're about to talk about. If you need to, you can also ask for reassurance that it is okay to talk about your problems. You could say something like, "Due to past experiences, I am nervous about potentially being a bother while venting." and see where that takes you.

Working through your anxiety about venting to them seems well worth the possible positive outcome of speaking to them.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 12th 2017, 11:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
You could definitely ask if it is okay to vent to them before getting into things. That could help prepare both you and them with what you're about to talk about. If you need to, you can also ask for reassurance that it is okay to talk about your problems. You could say something like, "Due to past experiences, I am nervous about potentially being a bother while venting." and see where that takes you.

Working through your anxiety about venting to them seems well worth the possible positive outcome of speaking to them.
See what I'm afraid of is saying something and it being seen as manipulative or something and making them doubt that I'm genuine about my fears and not trying to take advantage of them. With what happened I want to talk to one of the friends I trust the most to reassure me that everything is fine. I just dont want to make things worse by saying things about the people involved and making them think they're bad people because of it. Should I express that too? Am I overthinking things?


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 13th 2017, 01:15 AM

You can express that too if it makes you feel more comfortable. Before you start the conversation, you could let them know that you'd like some reassurance about something but it relates to people both of you know. You can ask if they would be comfortable with that or not, and go from there. You could also leave names out of it, but if your friend already knows about this than they may know the individual people as well.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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Re: Scared to talk to friends - August 13th 2017, 11:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
You can express that too if it makes you feel more comfortable. Before you start the conversation, you could let them know that you'd like some reassurance about something but it relates to people both of you know. You can ask if they would be comfortable with that or not, and go from there. You could also leave names out of it, but if your friend already knows about this than they may know the individual people as well.
I texted them yesterday and finally spoke with them today!! It went well and they were really supportive and I feel a lot better!! They made me realize some things too and I feel really supported.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
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