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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Jess~ Offline
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i can't even talk to my "best friend" - August 6th 2017, 09:55 PM

over one year ago was the last time i saw my best friend. junior year was a horrible year for both of us, i got caught up in an abusive boyfriend and sending nudes to strangers, as a minor. she was always on the phone with this one guy, and it got to the point where she would leave our lunch table to go talk to him. she even skipped classes just to stay on the phone with him. when i would ask her about him, she'd say he was 19, what state he lived in, and that they met on playstation live. that was it.
she didn't tell me that he was actually 32, he was a registered sex offender, and they were sexting. all of which, she knew about.

while my nudes shit and her pedophile experience might have been similar, neither of us knew the entirety of the others situation. of course, we were best friends, but i guess even we had things we thought we couldn't tell the other.
when my parents went through my phone and found out about everything, i was grounded for almost a year. my mom promised, "this is a family issue and it's going to stay between us, nobody else will ever find out." the very next day, i shit you not, we were at my brothers sports game, where my best friend's brother was also playing, and so our families started talking. one thing led to another and when my best friend's parents said they found out she was talking to a pedophile, my mom thought that was a good reason to break her promise and tell them what i did too.

my best friend's parents blamed her situation on me, because they thought me sending nudes influenced her..?
and so when school ended that year, i was never allowed to contact her or see her again.

recently, however, she contacted me on instagram, saying she's been begging her mom to let her talk to me again. but that even though her mom still didn't approve, it didn't matter, because she's moving across the country for college.
so i guess we're allowed to talk again, sort of. from what i can tell from her posts, she's going on a road trip with her family, to take her to college, rather than just flying. so i still don't know if it's really okay to talk to her yet or not.
i guess i could ask, but i'm just scared of sounding stupid. i don't want to annoy her.
i was terrified, back when we weren't talking. thinking what if we start talking again and we've both changed so much that we can't be friends anymore?

i still love her and only want the best for her, but i don't know if us being friends again is what's best.
she has a boyfriend now, while i've only been played and used for sex.
she got a full scholarship to an out of state college, while i got rejected from a local university and am just going to community college.

i'd be lying if i said even a small part of me wasn't jealous, but not in the way that i wish anything bad upon her. no, like i said, i only want what's best for her and i'm so glad she's happy now. but it just has me wondering what i'm doing wrong.
she's an amazing, beautiful person and i love her to the moon and back. but for the life of me, i don't know how to talk to her anymore.

i keep trying to think of excuses to start a conversation with her, but i think there's awkwardness on both ends.

how do i start talking to her again? i feel like i don't know her anymore. and tbh, when she first contacted me and we had a brief conversation about her moving, she said, "i just can't wait to be done with college so i can move in with my boyfriend." and that kind of hurt. she has her entire life together. of course, logically i know college changes people drastically, and since they're doing long distance, odds are not exactly in their favor.
and i definitely want everything to work out for her. i feel bad talking about this, because i think it makes it seem like i wish she wasn't doing so well. no, i'm so happy she's happy. i saw their prom pictures and i cried because she's finally so happy. the part where i'm a bit jealous is when i think, "so why am i still not happy?"

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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cynefin Offline

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Re: i can't even talk to my "best friend" - August 7th 2017, 03:13 PM

It is nice that you're happy for your friend but given how things are going for each of you now it makes sense to be jealous of her. It is hard to see someone important to you happy especially when you're struggling and trying to work through your own experiences. Try to remember that when it comes down to it, you're both different people and you both have different paths. You will continue to make progress and to thrive, but you are doing it in your own way and in your own time. Everyone's healing process is different.

It may also be worth thinking about how your friend may not be as happy as she appears. Sure, she seems happy in the pictures, and she has a scholarship and is excited to move in with her boyfriend, but it is hard to tell someone's tone unless you hear them speak to you. She may be really happy, or struggling, or a mix of both.

When it comes to talking to her, honesty could be the best route. You don't have to look for an excuse to talk to her but you could tell her you've been thinking of her, you're happy for her, and you'd like to talk again if she's willing and ready. If you two were really close, chances are that after you talk things through you'll be able to pick things up where they left off.

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