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Riiga Offline
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Unhappy I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 20th 2017, 10:36 PM

Hello. This is my first post here, and i'm here with a question that i've been having in my head for 2 years now. Basically, when I was ten (i'm fifteen now), my parents have broken up. Ever since then, I have felt so confused and broken inside, because I've realized that I won't be able to see both of my beloved parents again.

I was made to live with my mother (and two year old brother at the time), which I was okay with. I really didn't like the fact that we had to move 100 kilometers away from our old town. I had to leave all of my friends and relatives, and move into a small town. I thought that I was going to be okay; I thought I was going to find friends there, have a nice life and ect., but the opposite happened. I barely have any friends, (and I have to deal with fake ones) and who doesn't have bullies that make you feel terrible and beat you up? I have been experiencing this for like six years now, I think. I'm dealing with loneliness at that town, a mother that literally takes things too far and depression with self-harm that introduced itself a year ago (Even though I have stopped cutting, I still feel depressed today. It's self-diagnosed.)

My father usually takes me to spend time with me for two weeks in the Winter and almost the whole summer when I and he has holidays - He works in Sweden and comes back to Lithuania when he can. The thing is, I have felt so different in the city - he still lives there. I have friends there, (and i'm making new ones), I feel really happy here. I really want to come to live with him in this city, but I don't know how is that possible - I don't know how my step-mother would react. (This is problem one)

The second problem is - is that I have been brainwashed by my real mother. She doesn't let my father see my brother - his real son, he has the right to, but always makes excuses to not let him do that. She has told me that my father doesn't love me neither my brother, and takes time to spend with me just to "show off" to the neighbours and stuff. She made me believe this, and also that he never really loved me. I know this is false, in fact - i've realised this yesterday as I was talking to him on skype and got into an arguement, that later lead to tears as he cried about how he gets to see us rarely - as well as how he NEVER gets to see my brother. He really touched my heart and made me realize that my mother has been lying to me the whole time...

I really do want to move to my father, but I don't know what to do and say to my mother. I don't want to make her upset, because we kind of do have a good relationship, and are close, but I think that moving in to my father's house would be better for me both physically and mentally. This is the third problem.

Please help me.. I'm so confused.
   
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Re: I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 22nd 2017, 10:43 PM

Hey there, welcome to the site. Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry you haven't gotten any replies in the past couple days. You say you live in Lithuania with your mum? But your dad is in Sweden? It sounds to me you aren't doing too well living with your mother and you enjoy the time you get to spend with your father. Why do you say your step-mother would not want you to live with her and your father?

Is there any mental health support in your area? I know Lithuania is a pretty rural country, but there are some densely populated areas, such as Vilnius. I don't know how far away you are from there, but it's something to consider. It's probably not a good idea to have self-diagnosed yourself with depression, but I am glad you recognize there is a problem. Perhaps you could talk to your father about this the next time you chat with him on Skype?
   
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Re: I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 23rd 2017, 01:07 AM

Hey,

Have you talked to your dad about the possibility of moving in with him? You could explain that you've been struggling and you enjoy your time with him; that you think you'd feel better both physically and mentally if you could move in with him. If you choose to discuss this with him you could also express your concerns about fearing for your step-mother's reaction.

You could consider speaking with your mom after you talk to your dad about this and you can explain to her what you have explained to us here. Even though you won't see your mom as much, you can still Skype, talk on the phone, and visit occasionally. She may not know how to take this news at first but hopefully she will adjust to it with time.

If you need help figuring out what to say to your mom, you could write some bullet points so you have something to refer to or you could write a letter to her to sort out what you'd like to say. That helps sometimes.

Best of luck.


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Re: I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 25th 2017, 07:48 AM

Well, if you feel like living with your dad would help you, I think you should live with him. Of course, I am not you, so maybe you think that living with your mom would be good.
Maybe, if you don't want to damage your relationship with your mom, you could write her letters, call, or email her a lot.
I really hope you find this helpful.
Hugs,
Lilah
   
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Re: I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 30th 2017, 01:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iridescent. View Post
Hey there, welcome to the site. Thank you for reaching out and I'm sorry you haven't gotten any replies in the past couple days. You say you live in Lithuania with your mum? But your dad is in Sweden? It sounds to me you aren't doing too well living with your mother and you enjoy the time you get to spend with your father. Why do you say your step-mother would not want you to live with her and your father?

Is there any mental health support in your area? I know Lithuania is a pretty rural country, but there are some densely populated areas, such as Vilnius. I don't know how far away you are from there, but it's something to consider. It's probably not a good idea to have self-diagnosed yourself with depression, but I am glad you recognize there is a problem. Perhaps you could talk to your father about this the next time you chat with him on Skype?

My father works in Sweden, but officialy lives in Lithuania. He comes to visit every holiday and stays for the whole winter.

Vilnius is like 800 kilometers away from me, so no, i'm afraid.
   
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Re: I need help figuring out which parent to live with. - August 30th 2017, 06:59 PM

If you want to live with your dad than I would suggest that you discuss it with him to see if he would be willing to let you live with him. If he agrees, then you and him can figure out how to discuss it with your mom. The biggest issue I see you having to deal with, if your dad agrees to let you move in, is getting to a place where your mom will let you go. If she is brainwashing you and your brother and telling you all that your dad doesn't love you she is probably not going to be very accepting of you moving in with him. What your mom is doing by denying your dad the right to see your brother and by brainwashing you and your brother is considered parental alienation and it is viewed as abuse.

If your mom is angry enough at your dad to do that kind of stuff it is unlikely that she is going to let you go all that easily. That is why you need to talk to your dad about it so he can help figure out the best course of action in regards to dealing with your mom.

And, it is likely that your mom will be upset with you. I know my mom got quite upset when I chose to live with my dad when they divorced. However, if your mom stops talking to you or lets that anger get in the way of your relationship that is entirely on her. I mean, my brothers kid's prefer their mom (not for the same reasons that you want to live with your dad) and he hasn't let that interfere with his relationship with them. He is hurt by it, of course, but he cares enough about them and having a relationship with them to not let his hurt or anger get in the way of their relationship. If your mom can't do the same thing you can't really change that and it is something that she will have to figure out.

Best of luck.


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