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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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I want to find that balance - November 5th 2017, 05:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I want to find the balance of remaining grounded while being assertive and knowing when to walk away. And when I do walk away, to not socially isolate and withdraw ans spiral into a depression.

My therapist said it is very good into walked away in a certain incident. But I still had to battle anxiety attacks attacks crying spells.

I want to do the emotionally mature and intelligent and compassion thing to do. But I am struggling to self care while doing so.

I struggle to self care either way. And if I were to yell and/or have a breakdown in front of my family, it would not go well and I will still feel awful about myself.
But hiding in my room, crying in bed isn't the solution either.

I just really really really need to move out. But I also need to work on the skills that allow me to move out. That's shat so frustrating.

I feel like the linger I'm here, the more broken I will feel, the more I will lack the life skills that people need to be a healthy adult (self care, healthy relationships, good self esteem and confidence, developing hobbies, conflict resolution skills, etc) the harder it will be to leave

For instance, u am being put down a lot. I have low self esteem. Employers look for people in interviews who can give eye contact and speak with confidence.

But it takes time to build up not only my confidence but my identity. And I am struggling to do this while I'm being put down. Not just verbally but being excluded or yelled at very harshly (they yell at me for very small annoyances, whereas while I know I'm not right for yelling, I only start yelling when I'm so upset and hurt that my coping skills leave me and I am in so much distress that I am shaking too. Also. I am taking an anger management group as well as learning grounding techniques in another group)
For example, I thought I was doing something good for myself by hand washing my clothes and putting them to dry. There's a clothesline through the kitchen window. I see my older sister was eating so we agreed that I can come back in half an hour to put my clothes out.

After half an hour passes, I open the window and notice it would not stay up. I got the message it was broken and left it. Now my father who was in the living room and my youngest sister also in the living room, both not paying attention to me leaving the window alone start very aggressively screaming at me.
I told them okay.
I didn't yell back.
I said stop screaming at me, I left the window alone. They continued screaming and blaming me for letting the mosquitos enter through the window
Seriously, I didn't hurt anyone. I don't get it. They call me names and make rude remarks and all kinds of things and if I bring it up they tell me I make problems out of nothing.
Their words always matter over mine.
It happens way too much. Can't even eat without my father scolding me for how many calories I'm eating.
I already have a history of eating disorder behavior.

Now my youngest sister told me yesterday she doesn't like me because I care too much about being liked, I lack confidence and I have a nervous laugh all of which she finds annoying. She also seems to be annoyed that when she called me "slow" and decided she will no longer watch a TV show together anymore that I took it personally rather than brush up on my TV listening skills

So basically she thinks I'm too fragile and therefore not worth us having a friendship

But she did not tell me this directly

I asked her why she no longer talks to me, seems to be distancing herself


She denied at first but then said it was because I am weird and annoying.
Buf that it only started 2 weeks ago when I developed an insecurity around her. That I tried making jokes that she felt pressured to laugh to because j came across to her as overly analytical about whether i am liked or disliked and didn't want to "feed into that"
Also this issue she has of me being insecure is specifically an "annoyance" and "uncomfortable". I initially regarded this as "bothered" and she said she isn't bothered.

I know deep down our relationship is very toxic. She has made fun of me, bullied me, crossed my boundaries and shrugged or laughed when I expressed I was feeling hurt. Or she withdrew and said it was because I get upset too fast. She does come to me when she needs something. And we do occasionally have interesting conversations we would watch a tv show together before she decieed im too slow for her liking or something but there's an inconsistency or rather a pattern of nice and mean. And apparently calling me slow should have been something I knew to take lightly? Even my social worker told me it is normal for siblings to tease each other but doesn't seem like normal teasing. She also told me that my father didn't hit me, that I mispercieved it when it was really a gentle tap. Then ehen I tried asserting that I knew what it was, she said like oh well she wasn't there but she still believes my dad that he tapped me gently
Now I realize why I feel lack of confidence in front of her. I have been repeatedly unheard and shamed for who I am, my needs and my existence.
Basically she doesn't want to have to reassure me that I am loved and instead gets annoyed that I questioned it. She repeatedly said she wasn't ignoring me, that I must've misinterpreted, that she feels like I attacked her by suggesting I feel she has been cold. Yet towards the end she confirmed to being "unfriendly" but that it wasn't personal......
But I don't just have low confidence in front of her. I have low confidence in front of everyone. So me getting a job seems so slim. Me getting out seems so hard and impossible.


It hurts because I was there for her emotionally and cared for her non judgemental and unconditionally arguably more than our father.

It also hurts because she mentioned this whole thing starting 2 weeks ago. It definitely has its roots before 2 weeks bug in retrospect a "flare up" began 2 weeks ago when I cried from her disrespecting me, was deeply depressed, hurt, overwhelmed. And I didn't yell at her. I simply told her what she did was very hurtful. Then my father yelled at me "stop fighting" But I know I wasnt. I just felt like in a normal relationship people care for one another if what one person said or did was very upsetting to the other. In my opinion, this was a standard disrespect. It wasn't like triggering me by accident. It was standard disrespecting my answer "no", attempt to change the subject, attempt to be as gentle as possible while self caring and saying I did not feel ready to talk about said topuc. Even giving a specific day that I would be ready, which was the next morning, so I can feel more prepared.
She forced me into telling her emotional detsils, personal detsils. She found it funny like a guessing game where she looked on my face for answers. My lack of response have her a clue. It wasn't right. She also knew it works because she did it in the past. So yes I was livid at her for that, even more for getting away with it, my father said nothing to her. All this happening while they ate the salsa and cups I could have kept for myself but chose to share with them. While I went to my room to cry because I felt so upset and unheard, they finished the chips and salsa. They didn't even set any aside for me.


Yes, that's what happened 2 weeks ago.
Yes, I might be been not very conscious how needy I was coming across but I was trying to keep our relationship from falling apart while crying in private over how she treats me.

She said "insecure are what make relationships fall apart"

It makes me wonder then, how all I am good for is causing destruction.

Just in so much pain. Not over any of this. I know I should be by now.

She took advantage of both my weaknesses and my strengths.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; November 5th 2017 at 06:14 PM.
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: I want to find that balance - November 6th 2017, 12:10 PM

It sounds really frustrating to know you need to move out but to also have to work on skills to get there when it can be more difficult to work on them with unhealthy people.

What if you set up some mental boundaries in your head to know when to walk away after you’ve asserted yourself? For instance, you could walk away when you begin to feel more angry, sad, or anxious so you can cope with that privately without your family around. You can let your family know that you’re going to walk away for a little while and you’ll be back later after you’ve cooled down. If they say anything upsetting, repeat affirmations in your head such as the fact that you’re doing what is best for yourself and your health.

You said you struggled with self-care. Maybe you could do a few self-care things after you walk away from your family so you are in the habit of taking care of yourself during a difficult time. You could do one or two things. You could also try a self-care task if you feel like self-harming. Then, you could later make a schedule or fall into one that encompasses self-care in a broader way.

I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you right now but the fact that you’re working on these skills so you can move out is amazing and you are very strong. It is probably hard to see how strong you are but TeenHelp will be here when you need a reminder.


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