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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Jess~ Offline
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Friend making me uncomfortable - November 28th 2017, 01:13 AM

There's a sort of pattern in my threads with this particular friend, Jay, causing me problems. Almost 2 years ago, Jay got together with a close friend of mine who I had known for a couple of years, and then tried cheating on her with me. But that was just high school drama, and we've both talked about it since then, agreeing that we were just stupid kids going through shit. Even though he was in the wrong, I definitely should've told her sooner than I did, and because I waited it caused a lot of tension in our friendship (Because of course, he came clean to her before I did and he blamed it all on me. She believed him because she's extremely gullible and can't exist without her boyfriend. But that's another story.)

When I came clean to her, I presented a lot of evidence through text screenshots of Jay trying to convince me to sleep with him. She denied all of it, saying that I must have photoshopped it, because Jay said he wasn't interested in me at all. Okay.
It frustrates me to even think about it, because even before all of that drama, Jay was saying things that should have made her concerned as his girlfriend. For example, she bought me a sex toy because that's what close friends do, of course. And a few days after she gave it to me, we were all hanging out when Jay randomly said, as if thinking outloud, "I wonder if you've used that vibrator yet..." Mind you, this had nothing to do with the conversation. He also "joked" about us all having a threesome one day, but then asked if I'd actually be down. When I brought this up to his girlfriend when I was ratting him out for the cheating, she somehow remembered that conversation being my idea. Ooookay.

But, like I said, we agreed it was just a stupid time and Jay explained he was just a horny stupid kid at the time. I said okay and we've all moved past it.

However... the past few times we've been hanging out have been a bit concerning to me. Today we were in the class that we have together, but Jay's girlfriend wasn't able to come, so it was just us. All of a sudden, Jay said, in this obvious and awkward tone, "Wait what?? I don't think these are the same pants I was wearing this morning..." (Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean, I guess?) And then he pulled at them, acting astonished as if his pants had magically changed, all the while revealing a large stain from semen. I asked why he has a jizz stain on his pants, and he smiled and gave me this really weird look and then said, "I'm a man, Jess, I jizz."
It was just a really weird event and it made me really uncomfortable. Especially because after that, he wouldn't stop trying to tease me about the person I'm currently sleeping with (Because my partner is homeless, he has been giving me shit nonstop about how I'm "fucking a homeless guy", which is obviously a really loaded statement. That makes it sound like I'm having gross sex with a dirty person straight off the street, while the reality is this isn't just some guy, it's a friend I've known for months and we only have sex after he showers at my house. Not to mention that he lives in his car and not on the street, so he's really not... I don't want to say he's not that homeless, but yeah, he's not the typical image of a homeless person.) Also, we ran into a couple of old friends from high school last week, and each time this happened, Jay immediately and loudly exclaimed to them, "SHE'S FUCKING A HOMELESS DUDE!!!" while pointing at me. This caught the attention of some other students at my college who were walking near us, and was really embarrassing.. especially in front of old friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Also last week, there was a conversation about how big my partner is (for some reason that came up, I don't know why) and how sex hurts for me but it's okay because pain is all I can feel due to the rape and yada yada. During this conversation, Jay's girlfriend seemed really concerned about the fact that it "hurts" me (which is something I like so it doesn't even matter to me, but I guess I can see why she was concerned.)
But Jay just made weird comments. I kind of get the feeling that he just sees me as a whore. A few years back when he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with me, he would make comments about how promiscuously I would dress and act. And yeah, I would back then, because I was searching for the wrong kind of attention because I didn't love myself at all.
But now, while I still don't dress like a nun, I'm more conscious about the message I might be giving off to people with my clothing. And I definitely don't sleep around, nor have I really ever. People are always visibly shocked when I tell them my body count. I guess that's the consequence of how I acted when I was younger.
But I'm not a whore, I know I'm not a whore.

But Jay was making comments like, "I know that you're horny all the time but..." and "Your life literally revolves around dick, doesn't it?"
I will joke with that stuff and humor those types of comments a bit, but when it comes down to it I thought that people -- especially Jay and his girlfriend -- knew that I was kidding. And I assumed they were kidding by saying that stuff too. But as I tried to explain that most of the time when I hang out with my homeless friend, we don't even have sex we just hang out, they looked at me in disbelief and doubt.


I know the obvious answer is to just talk to them about it, as they are my friends. Jay's girlfriend, after that conversation, kept texting me and saying that I shouldn't be hurting myself just for sex. (Honestly, she's been dragging it on for so long even after I said it's fine with me, that I'm starting to think she's just jealous of the size of my partner.) And I did text her back, saying, "I know you guys might think I'm a hoe and that I live for dick but the truth is there's a lot more to this guy than just that, and we actually spend a lot more time together just hanging out than we do having sex."
But she didn't even reply to that.

I'm just kind of insulted that they actually think I'm that black and white, and that much of a "slut". I'm also really uncomfortable with the stuff Jay has been saying. It kind of makes me think that in his dude brain, all he sees me as, even to this day, is just sex. Over summers we always go swimming at his house, as he's the only one with a pool. And it was hard enough to be comfortable in a bathing suit around him after the cheating incident, but if this keeps up I might not even be able to spend time with my friends over summer, because of him.


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cynefin Offline
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Re: Friend making me uncomfortable - November 29th 2017, 12:59 PM

It seems like talking to Jay’s girlfriend has been unsuccessful. Perhaps she truly remembers things differently or acts as if she does so she doesn’t have to acknowledge Jay’s behavior. Have you spoken to Jay? Do you think he’d stop making you uncomfortable if you talked to him? If so, it’s worth a shot but if not maybe you can distance yourself from him. Even though he has a pool and you can spend time together during the summer, chances are that you won’t feel comfortable enough if his behavior continues.

Something to think about is that you can’t control what others think of you. Even if they think negatively of you, that says more about them than it does about you because they choose to believe what they want to believe or what is convenient instead of hearing you out.


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