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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Friend of 8 Years has become toxic, what should I do? - January 13th 2018, 03:52 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I’ve been friends with a girl since elementary school, but for the past year she’s changed for the worse. She criticizes what I do and is insanely selfish. Recently, it’s gotten even worse.
In recent times, she suffered her first real heartbreak. Obviously we were all there for her, but she mistreated people because of it. The worst thing that has stemmed from all this is her “mental illness”. She always talks about how she has “mental breakdowns” (aka crying), how all her smiles are fake, and how she belongs in a mental hospital. Because some boy broke up with her.
Oh, and she’s transphobic despite acting like a woke warrior.
She also romanticizes eating disorders and hospitals. Me and another friend have real experience in both, and we’ve really taken that hard.
It’s difficult to be her friend anymore because of this and her endless complaining.
But the problem is that I don’t know how to drop her. I’ve spoken to her about all this before, but she never listens. I’ve been friends w her for so long, I don’t know how to go about it. Help?
   
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Re: Friend of 8 Years has become toxic, what should I do? - January 13th 2018, 04:09 PM

Hey,

It must be difficult to find yourself in a toxic friendship. Even though your friend hasn't listened it is good that you have spoken to her about how you feel in regards to her behavior. That is a great first step.

You said she never listens to you. It seems like taking a step back from the friendship, as you are looking into doing, will benefit you a lot. Perhaps you can talk to your friend and let her know that you've made her aware of how you're feeling and she hasn't changed, thus you no longer want to be friends with her.

It seems like your friend could be going through some things, given the way she talks about stuff. Perhaps you can encourage her to talk to someone and seek help through a teacher, parent, or a guidance counselor.

If you don't want to be up front about leaving the friendship, you could slowly distance yourself over time until the two of you are no longer friends.

Keep us updated if you'd like!


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Re: Friend of 8 Years has become toxic, what should I do? - January 13th 2018, 07:35 PM

Finding yourself in a toxic friendship is always a difficult situation, but it can be even harder to deal with when it involves someone that you've known for a long time. Fortunately, the length of time that you've known a person does not mean you are obligated to keep them in your life. If this friendship is becoming draining or negatively affecting your well-being in any way, it might be time to drop this one.

While it's unfortunate that your friend hasn't made an effort to really listen to you and examine her behavior accordingly, it's great that you've tried talking to her about things already. That can be a really difficult thing to do and the fact that you tried shows how much you value this friendship. Perhaps you can give it one last-ditch effort if salvaging the relationship is something you still want to attempt. Let her know that the friendship has begun to hurt you more than help you (provide her with some examples if she needs them) and that you need to start thinking about yourself and what is best for you. Remind her that you care about her and would like to stay friends if possible, but that you will ultimately have to make the decision to walk away from the friendship if things don't start getting better. With any luck, hearing it so upfront will encourage her to make more of an effort.

If talking to her isn't something that you want to do, you can start slowly distancing yourself from her until the two of you naturally drift apart. If you think trying to talk to her again will do more harm than good and cause unnecessary drama, this might be the best route to take. You may even find that simply having some distance from her without ending the friendship completely helps your relationship as a whole, as you won't be faced with her toxic nature as consistently.

Whatever you choose to do, the most important thing is that you put yourself first and take your own needs into consideration. Doing what's best for you will bring you the most happiness in the long run.


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