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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question i don't even know anymore... - January 27th 2018, 02:14 AM

so i try to have a simple conversation about the general populous' kids and how competitiveness in schools is causing increased stress over time. and my mum decided to make it personal by attributing it to how her parenting isn't bad and about how i was disrespecting her. then she kept trying to go on about how negative i am, etc. so i decided to keep changing the topic from a different perspective from stress and she keeps going on about how it's good for people. but i was talking about the negative effects it has on people. then she decides to go on about how her own personal abuse, although it taught her in a violent way, it taught her to deal with the situation by coming up with a solution by changing her behaviour rather than focus on pain. and i said "well it still had negative effects though, right?" and she acts like i never said that. and i keep going "well, abuse is still bad and has no excuse." and she keeps going about how it had positive effects and how it's all about perspective. sure, maybe it did. but it also had negative ones. ones that she decides to not acknowledge. then i go on to talk about how kids are suiciding because of it. and she's just like "well that's because they decided to give up and couldn't handle the pressure." and the point i was trying to make is that this shouldn't be happening in the first place. and she's like "it's all about perspective, they choose to feel sorry for themselves." and i'm just like "that's fucked up." and she calls me a wuss for worrying about the "kids who aren't trying" because they allow their pain to blind them from adapting and doing well. and also for apparently feeling sorry for myself. even tho she's the one who made the conversation personal in the first place. and then she just ignores me. so i go on to talk about manipulation and narcissistic parenting and about how that's fucked up. and she only partly agrees over how them trying to make their children perfect to further their own appearance of perfection is fucked up. i'm sayign that's the kind of thing i'm talking about. even tho forcing their kids to be the best is fucked up in and of itself, but she seems to not want to acknowledge that. then she goes on about how she knows about abuse and suicide shit and how she nearly suicided herself once and about how she knows peeps who have tried it at least 4 times and how if it's so fucked up i should ask them about it. and then because she wouldn't stop bringing the conversation back to me and how i'm so damn negative apparently, i talk about how she's been constantly criticising me throughout my childhood and trying to make me grow up perfect. and she goes on about how parents only ever push their kids to be perfect because they want them to succeed. and i'm like, regardless, it's still fucked up and stresses them out and causes some to suicide when there's constant pressure everywhere. and she's basically like "i don't give a damn, i had that and i learned to get through it so they can too. it's all about perspective." and then my mum is like "you were born into love" simply because she didn't yell at me like other parents do when i took out stuff from the cupboards as a toddler and played with butter on the kitchen floor. and then she talks about how the yelling and stuff was stuff my bro had to deal with in his childhood so i shouldn't complain because my childhood was perfect. and i'm like "the yelling came later when i gained awareness". and she's like "pfft no it didn't you've been treated perfectly and if you think it's so bad, ask your bro about his childhood" and talking about how that's why he's so pissed at me because my childhood was great compared to his. and acting as though all the torment i went through psychologically didn't exist, in trying to teach myself how to deal with things emotionally by myself in terms of getting along socially and having to bury my negative emotions or i'd get negativity thrown right back at me by my family. like a protest to my protest. what kind of shit is that. and even using the internet all by myself and even just learn how to cope with homework by myself after i fell out of the good habits that were taught to me only once as a toddler. and then she goes on about how it's just my perspective. so i go on about how i'm used to things being negative, so i lost hope so i could cope. and she's like "you see, it's your thinking that brough that into reality". even tho i never chose for it to become a thing and as a kid i was just doing my own thing and being positive by creating my own activities because everybody was too busy and my mum was down for the count because she got sick, so i knwo that's bullshit. the negativity came from my surroundings and then i learned to get used to it and my thoughts became negative. so it isn't my fault entirely. and my mum keeps going on about how it wasn't her whole fault but she's acting like it wasn't her fault at all even tho whenever i did something "bad" she would smack me or make me sit in the corner for hours and build up my resentment over time. and she goes on about even then she still explained how it was bad to me. but she never used actions to anything to show it, because showing it would've been more effective and her talking was just drivel at that point. and she's like "pfft nah there's no other ways that i could've taught you" when there were. and i was telling her what they were. but she just ignored me and kept going on about how negative i am. and i kept saying about how i got nothing from this conversation. and she's like "pfft i taught you a lot during this conversation." and i'm like "yeah maybe i learned a lot. but it was just as worthless at the same time." and she continues to go on about how negative i am and how it's "your choice". and i go on about how she still criticised me throughout my childhood and she's like "well i don't remember that happening" and i'm like "well maybe you should get that fixed 'cause it's the same as my apparent negativity, it gets in the way of adapting to the world." and she didn't respond and just kept going on about how i'm negative. and i just stop talking and avoid her for a time. and she asks me to make her a cup of coffee. and i do. and then i typed all this out. i'm not negative. i'm just not ignorant to the problems of society and how they could be improved to fit the humans it was built for better. and it's honestly upsetting to know that i am alone. my mum never has changed and she never will. not even for love. and i will not change for her because she will not change for me. she will still continue to pick me up on anything that seems imperfect, even if it's obvious and i'm aware that i'm struggling. she talks about how she's taught me. but not in eveything. only in some things. with the rest of it, she just makes me "aware" of it by saying i'm not doing something right. and when i ask her for help she either ignores me or says to "do it yourself, you should know how to do it by now, you're old enough". too old to learn? yeah, definitely. too old to learn the bullshit you spoutin'. she also said "if anything, you're the one that's narcissistic. expecting the world to revolve around you." give me a break. i didn't even start the conversation off with me. i was talking about the general populous.

this is why i want a therapist even after i stopped my soul from being split into the past present and future. we are psychics by the way. once that was fixed, i could actually physically sense everything correctly. and i wasn't having heart palpitations or shortness of breath and i didn't feel as confused or exhausted anymore. althoguh i still have physical fatigue but it isn't emotional anymore. now i just feel angry emotionally. i felt happy for a few days but after that, i just felt angry. i feel nothing but anger. i have suspected that i've been manipulated throguhout my entire life. my mum is keeps saying i'm a strong person and to not waste my awareness on those who are suffering. even tho i'm apparently a healer. and she then goes on to name-call me when the conversation doesn't suit her. i know i'm definitely being gaslighted now. i've suspected it for so long. i checked through dozens of articles once a while ago. then after two years i checked again. the symptoms still fit. symptoms being psychological and physical. i still don't feel like myself either. i feel unconfident in myself despite everything i have achieved. i know i should be able to make choices without second-guessing myself always. so i know i'm being gaslighted. my mum is trying to convince me i'm not being manipulated when she said she would take away my therapist simply because she didn't want to spend any more money on me because i was being "disrespectful" or whatever. i'm being gaslighted. i know i am. if not, then i know something is up with this family. i know something is wrong. my brother gets angry at me and consoles my mum when i'm the one who was initially upset in arguments. they all blame me. they all act like i'm the "problem child" even tho i'm also apparently "amazing and perfect". i'm fucking sick of it. and my own sentences contradict each other. and my mum said my sentences contradict each other in the prior argument. maybe they did. i don't know. i don't care. i just know something is wrong with my family and i'm sick of putting up with it. i'm fucking sick of it. whenever they speak i just wanna rip their goddamn heads of. i want them to suffer their own affliction for once. i went them to know what it's like for everything to be their fault even though they are simultaneously a "strong person" whenever the other person feels like calling them whatever. i want them to know what it's like to be alone simply because their family is "busy" or because they "want" to spend time with you. i want them to suffer. i want them to suffer so badly that other people call them overdramatic and self-pitying. i want people to ignore them. i want them to suffer and to suffer endlessly even though there's thousands of people surrounding them. because whenever they talk to those people, those people tell them they're over-reacting even if it physically hurts. to only acknowledge it and give knowledge occasionally to keep you on a leash thinking that just maybe they'll help you for a change.

i literally am outside my house. i had to leave because they wouldn't shut up. they keep telling me i'm the random attacker in any conversation. what bullshit. "you cause it". no i fucking don't. you choose how you react just like how i choose to. fucking hell. i can't stay in this house anymore. i can't do this anymore. see i don't even know if this counts as abuse. i can't even live knowing what the fuck living means anymore 'cause i'm always under the thumb of some other person.


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Re: i don't even know anymore... - January 27th 2018, 01:10 PM

From an outside perspective it seems like there is some gaslighting and manipulation going on which would be considered emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can sometimes be hard to pinpoint if you're living with it because abusers are very good at doing it in such a way that it doesn't necessarily seem like emotional abuse.

Something to consider doing is having your big conversations that may rile your mom up, with someone else who may appreciate them a little more. Maybe you can talk to your friends, someone at school, or someone else you trust. Even though you may really want to share things with your mom, she doesn't seem receptive enough and it could harm both of you in the long run. It might help to have a list of safe topics you can use with her, unless she makes everything into an argument, in which you could then use the "don't speak unless spoken to" technique to avoid an argument.

Should an argument occur, perhaps you can tell your mom or anyone else that you notice things are getting tense and you're going to walk away before they escalate into something worse.

Something else to consider is avoiding your mom and anyone else who is unhealthy whenever you can. Perhaps you can find excuses to leave the house such as working, joining a school club, going to a friend's house, or even taking a long walk. If you can't leave the house much, maybe you can make your bedroom into a safe place so you have a calming area for yourself.

Is your therapist aware of your mom's behavior? It may be worth telling them that your mom threatens to take therapy away.Your therapist may be able to give you some techniques to help cope as well.

Keep hanging in there.


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Re: i don't even know anymore... - January 30th 2018, 01:47 AM

To think I felt I regretted posting this. I thought people's replies would be a lot worse and more dramatic tbh. When people respond dramatically to this stuff, it makes it feel less real and makes me think I'm overreacting until the next fucked up argument occurs and I feel the shit piling on me intensely again.

I don't really have friends that are close enough to me to know me that well, or who would know how to handle it let alone give a shit. I only really have people online. I mean, I could talk to somebody at school, but I have no idea how they'll handle the situation either and it honestly seems fishy to me. Mainly because they have some other programs in the works as well that isn't as effective as it could be.

I didn't word that as well as I could have tbh, I don't actually have a therapist. What happened was, I asked for one last year all the way into the beginning of this year and then she threatened to not get me one during a prior argument. I know I can't go on much longer without one, so I'm not budging on this. She has gotten a job though, so she should be able to pay for one soon. I'm hoping that once I do have a therapist I can deal with this quickly and quietly in my conversing with them.

The safe topics are usually simplistic ones on the weather or cake or glamour. Otherwise if I'm upset or want to talk about something deeper and more constructive, I should keep it to myself. I used to have these types of conversations with online friends, but I find that people get tired of it. I know I am. Plus my internet at home has been cut off so it's pointless. Hence why it took a bit to reply. I'm using the school internet atm. Although my mum, based on what she has said, will return my ability to use the wifi again some time later. She said I haven't gone without it enough yet though. So I've just been venting entirely through my rap-writing and laying on my external irony and passivity even thicker whenever people are around, so that I can keep them at a distance but also physically take out my anger on inanimate things without consequence in secret to vent. Such as stabbing the ground with garden stuff, kicking a soccer ball around that I got a few years ago or recording a rap if nobody is around to hear or see it.

I usually don't need an excuse to leave, thankfully. Or, maybe that's just lately. I've been getting more and more pissed off and so I have left the house a few times to take a walk and just escape my home environment for a time. I always have to walk back of course, but it's better than having no time elsewhere at all. Tbh I hate having to leave the house just to find to peace of mind. It's a waste of time and I'm sick of having my time wasted in general. I have no idea if my school even has clubs. I would think so, but I don't know about any of them. They also apparently have counsellors but as you can probably tell, I have no idea who they are. Except maybe this one guy who I tend to see around the place at random times. Although I'm not even sure if he does that anymore.

I don't really consider anything I use or have to be mine until I can buy it and actually financially own it myself and that includes my bedroom. I have to store and keep things neat in my room in order to keep my shit all in one place and I've had to hide my technology for an entire week and pretended I'd lost it once just so I could keep talking to my friends. My family just gets pissed off when I use technology sometimes, for some reason. It's not even like I'm addicted like other kids at my school, I mean I was once, but that was the worst year of my life and I fell into a depression during that time so I believe some slack should be allowed. I just use it for storing my creative stuff and some social interaction in general, nothing more. The rest of the time I more openly do school stuff or play videogames.

That's okay though. My calm place is anywhere but my house tbh. So much shit has happened in the same place and because it keeps repeating over and over throughout the time I've been living here, it continuously brings back bad memories to go along with the current complications on a constant basis. It's super hard to keep track of because my family acts normal most of the time but then when we have argument they become... well, the way I've previously described. At least I know why I'm stressed all the time. I used to think there was just something wrong with me but now I know I'm really just super uncomfortable because idk when some random bit of anger will come flying out of nowhere into my face.

My plan is to wait until I get a therapist. Then talk to them. Then hopefully have it all resolved through a talk with my mum. I understand that there will be conflict with this outcome. Possibly the biggest amount of conflict I've ever experienced in my life. but it's far better than having a school or some friends who don't really know me all that well go up and make a big public announcement of it. Based on the numbers, I should've able to get a therapist sometime between early this year and halfway through this year. Once I do I will try to use them to the best of my ability to fix this problem once and for all. Although, it may not happen immediately. I have severe trust issues and who knows if they're even the right type to get this shit, let alone not tell my family some stuff. I am aware that the information is kept private by the therapist. but in some cases they make it known if they think it's necessary to resolve the situation. Which is fine, but I need to make sure it happens at the exact right moment rather than have some horrible consequences echo throughout the rest of my life. I've had enough of that type of shit already.

Technically my mum isn't the only one who is kind of an abusive asshole in terms of conversation. My bro kind of softened me up for her blows. He got me used to conceding to the shit he wanted and told me to do. Even tho it was usually normal shit like, idk shopping for example and not necessarily bad, he was still using abusive maneouvres to get me to do it. My possible slight paranoia tells me they've been working in kahoots regardless of their awareness or not and are using it to consciously or unconsciously mock me as being the "perfect" child with a "perfect" life even though it's kind of ironic in retrospective. There are only so many materialistic things that can fill the holes within a person. The rest, you gotta search for and hope for the best.


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Re: i don't even know anymore... - January 30th 2018, 08:00 PM

Hopefully you are able to get a therapist soon. A therapist can be such an amazing support and you deserve to have that support in place. The plan of waiting to get a therapist and then trying to work on things with them seems like a good idea; hopefully you can hang in there while you're waiting for one.

You mentioned that anywhere outside your house is your calm place and you also said that it's hard having to leave the house just to get some peace. As frustrating as leaving the house for some peace may be, you may have to utilize the coping skill of doing it for a while if you feel you need to. But hopefully in time you will be able to find peace in your own home.

In the meantime it seems like you've picked up other coping skills so keep using them when you feel like you need them.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: i don't even know anymore... - January 31st 2018, 09:06 PM

Thank you for responding. It helped give me some clarity.

I tend to feel confused after these types of arguments because I think "Well, what if I did start it?", yet even if I did, my mum still continued the argument in that direction due to her assumptions and personal bias.

Like, I love my family, or at least I think I do. However, that doesn't mean I'm gonna let them keep pulling this crap. None of their bad childhoods will ever be a good enough excuse to use in order for them to continue perpetuating the cycle. Good or bad effects, it is immoral and cannot continue.

I should focus on improving myself during these future therapy sessions as well. Chances are I've been afflicted with the same issues, albeit in a different and less obvious way, as it wasn't quite as intense. Or at least if it has been, it's in a way that is harder to see without bruises or starvation etc. to pin-point it.


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