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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
GirlsOnTV Offline
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Name: Haily
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Keeping secrets - May 26th 2009, 11:53 PM

I have the best friends in the world, but I keep things from them. I don't talk to them about anything real, its all faked and superfical.

I feel so guilty because I listen to them rant to be and ask me for advice and they say how much they trust me, but I can't tell them anything that matters to me. I know they're there for me, but I just can't tell them. To be honest, this mostly has to do with my sexuality and depression [so I hope I posted this in the right spot ><] They know I was cutting, but I told them after I found out they had the same problem.

I don't know what to do and I feel so alone and insolated and I Cant talk to them about it, because it would change everything. I'm not sure what to do and I can't keep pretending.

Help?
I hope that wasn't a rant, I tried to have a point. Sorry.


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Re: Keeping secrets - May 27th 2009, 10:08 PM

First of all, you don't need to trust others to be trusted. They are not related in any sense. If you don't feel like you can trust your friends, don't trust them. Although it would strengthen those relationships if you trusted them as much as you trust them... You can test your trust in them with som small things... Small tiny secret, then you can move to your biggest deepest darkest secrets.

I think you need to let people in before you can feel non-isolated... Let them in slowly. I hoped I've helped...
   
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Re: Keeping secrets - May 28th 2009, 11:37 PM

Hi Haily,

I think that it's great that you've got such good friends who trust you to listen to them and help them out. Having someone to listen is very important, and it sounds like they appreciate what you do for them very much.

Don't worry about not being able to talk about some things. You need time to think about them as well, and not talking about them may be your way of dealing with them. Not everyone needs to talk about their problems, some can sort them out over time on their own.

If you do want to bring some things you're unsure about up in conversation with your friends, try not to worry about it. The fact that they are so comfortable talking to you shows how much they value your friendship. Talking about something troubling for you wont change how they feel about you. And like you said before, they might be going through the same thing.

You don't need to pretend for your friends. They are looking for the real you. That's the person who listens and gives advice. That you needs to talk about things and has problems going on too. That's life. Everyone goes through tough times. Having your friends as support, even if you don't want to talk about what's going on, should help.

Good luck and stay strong

Nat.


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Re: Keeping secrets - May 31st 2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by flawed_legacy View Post
First of all, you don't need to trust others to be trusted.
i agree entirely. you and your friends have different opinions.

trust is a difficult topic, and a confusing one, so it's normal to wonder whether or not you're being fair to people when you don't tell them everything, and to feel isolated if you don't. you're not alone in your reaction.

everybody needs secrets. otherwise you'd go insane. as long as your SH, depression and sexuality can be discussed with someone else, there's no reason why you should talk about it with everyone and anyone. even your friends may not know. if they were part of the problem, you'd either tell them, or be unable to consider it. it is no different when they're not.

try finding common ground with them. it's often hard to open up to people, i feel that myself, but even if it's just a small thing like a crush or an exam. starting small can lead to more important things. once you find something you can all share, the isolated feeling will lessen, or even dissipate.

best wishes
r&r xx


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