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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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RadAtheist Offline
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How to dump a friend? - April 14th 2018, 05:49 PM

I have a friend. We met freshmen year of high school (we're seniors now and graduating next month), but we didn't really become friends until sophomore year through a few mutual clubs. She was funny and smart and we got along. We were pretty close and almost all my friends are her friends too, all of us going to same school or having done so before graduating. However, I've been realizing more and more that she's not someone I want around for multiple reasons:

1. She was formerly against same-sex marriage. I would have dumped her as a friend at the time for being discriminatory, but she changed her mind after we had a rather large fight about it. However, during the fight she drew the conclusion that supporting same-sex couples = being against straight couples, then blamed my views on my rocky relationship with my parents. In addition to doing this, she never apologized for it.
2. She makes defensive snap judgments with little or no information.
3. I can't make any valid criticisms about religion/some religious people without her taking personal offense.
4. On a related note, I generally have to walk on eggshells around her in regard to religion and politics.
5. She's hypocritical.
6. She treats not tolerating intolerance as intolerance in itself and refuses to listen to why that doesn't make any sense.
7. She forms opinions without sufficient research or evidence.
8. I can't be open with her.
9. Possibly the biggest thing: Recently it became quite apparent that she hates autistic people. After reading a book with an autistic fifteen-year-old as the protagonist and minimal research into autism, she drew the conclusions that there's an "unbridgeable gap" between those who are autistic and those who aren't and that those who are autistic "destroy the people who care about them." I think those feelings are gross and hypocritical (she criticizes the character's lack of empathy while displaying a complete lack of empathy toward autistic people).

As a result of these I've come to see her as a rather awful person and I don't want her in my life. I originally intended to keep the peace until the end of the year and then let the friendship fade out, but we have many mutual friends and primarily meet up for group activities such as a camping trip this summer. Due to this simply letting it fade out isn't an option because she's always around. I have to figure it out now, because we're about to graduate and I need to know whether I'll invite her to my graduation party when I don't really want her there, or if I even want to go on the camping trip.

Should I avoid spending one-on-one time with her but tolerate her at group outings and not make a big deal out of my feelings toward her? Not invite her to my graduation party, implicitly making a statement regarding how I feel about her and potentially sending our friend group into turmoil? I know my best friend and boyfriend will stand by me, but I'm not sure about everyone else, or if this would even have an effect. I've never broken off a friendship, especially with so many other people involved. What do I do?
   
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Re: How to dump a friend? - April 14th 2018, 10:31 PM

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp. I think you have definitely come to the right place to get help and support, so don't hesitate to reach out anywhere else on the forums.

The situation with this hypersensitive friend puts you in a difficult position because (8) you say you can't be open with her. This means she isn't open to reasoning of any sort, given she is so opinionated against many things you have put value on. Your friend is rapidly turning out to be a toxic friend, so I think that you should begin distancing yourself and an effective start of this would not be inviting her to your graduation party.

Whatever you do or say, she is bound to be bitter and angry, but you have got to make a stand somehow, and I feel that by taking steps to avoid talking, emailing (if you do) or avoiding places she hangs out will help because if you withdraw gradually, then effectively you will be putting distance from your friendship. By which time she will have invariably begun seeking out someone else. In the past I have observed that impetuous people often do this, latching onto someone else and befriending them. Let her get on with it.

You have your boyfriend and best friend's support. They might even have to say something, but try not to fear how this girl might react because others will see all too clearly what a wholly unpleasant person she really is. Given time, your life will become all the richer without her.

Wishing you all the best,

~Belle
   
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Re: How to dump a friend? - April 15th 2018, 05:50 PM

I think that ending a friendship is quite difficult but if the person is toxic it's better for you to do so. I think that not inviting her to your graduation party could be a first step but it's likely that when she finds out you will be asked why. You don't have to answer her questions but it might make you feel some sense of closure by explaining things.


The one thing I can say is that I've always felt more closure and relief when I ended a friendship by letting the person know why. I've ended two toxic friendships and I told each person why. Both people were not receptive but it helped me to know I did what I could to be honest about it. I think a lot of this is personal preference and if you think this person would be able to talk you into trying to stay friend's it's probably best to not say anything.

One thing to consider is that there are a lot of friendships that end once people graduate. The reason for this is because people get busy with their every day life and they stop initiating hang out sessions. I don't talk to a ton of my high school friends and a lot of that is because I don't initiate hanging out. Also, a lot of my friend's went to different Cities (or States) during college and hanging out didn't happen much at all. While I think high school friendships can continue to grow, it does take a lot of effort on both people's part because you won't be seeing each other every day like you do in high school. If one or both of you stops making an effort it is likely the friendship will fade out. I think this is mostly an observation I made from watching the friendships around me. I have friend's or family who are still good friend's with some of the people they were friend's with in high school and the reason is that they all made an effort to continue hanging out or talking and the people they continued making an effort with were people that they liked and didn't have huge differences of opinion with.


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jaedon Offline
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Re: How to dump a friend? - April 23rd 2018, 02:19 AM

Breaking one off can be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, no matter how old you are
   
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