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TH Anonymous Offline
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I know how bad I am but I still go out of control - April 30th 2018, 07:09 PM

[SIZE="a"]Ive written on this topic before when i wasnt anonymous but i guess i just needed to rant about this. Sorry if im unclear about something. I would rather not go into huge detail right now about the whole dynamic and stuff. Would prefer there's no advice on talking to him about how i feel or writing a letter to him or apologizing or helping around with chores or paying rent or anything along those lines, because it is triggering to me. Thank you.

Just a rant:
Im sorry if this makes me sound like a horrible person. That's something he has against me too because he denies when he does things and then says look how awful you're behaving on top of there being nothing wrong.
I'm so angry and reactive sometimes. I start to think I'm doing better but then have a a stress-induced anger episode and I am so horrible but then I just cry the rest of the day. I tell my father I hate him and that he makes me feel so worthless and I -know- im doing my damage but I go into that mode anyway and Im like running against reality that he won't soften up and he won't ever try to work on things with me. And it makes me throw a tantrum because I want to feel loved but he is so mean to me.

But I know I've been bad to him. I start saying sarcastic things and tell him I could kill myself on the spot and he wouldn't even notice. I know it is bad.

I told him that he should get rid of me if I'm causing so much problem withere taking up space. I told him I will go on a hunger strike. I say things i regret. Not because im not hurt but becsuse i am reactive and I want to have better control over what I say. I don't want to be the one flailing my arms and demanding he starts loving me. I should be over that stage by now. But it comes up again. I feel like I'm back to bring a teenager with the anger issues I've had for about 10 years now. (I'm 24 and my anger started to get intense at 14)

I know I have my triggers and I know I will be changing my home situation soon which should help but I'm having a hard time holding on for that much longer.[/size]
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cynefin Offline

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Re: I know how bad I am but I still go out of control - May 4th 2018, 01:20 PM

Apologies for the late reply, I was away due to the end of my semester.

I hope sharing this with us helped, even if it only helped a little bit. Sometimes writing or typing things out can do a world of good.

It can be really difficult to hold on sometimes but you can do this. You've made it so far already, you know? You can do it. Just when the caterpillar thought things were over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.

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