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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Friend is frustrating me - June 16th 2018, 10:18 AM

I have this friend and I consider him my best friend. He's pretty much the only person I used to be able to talk about my self harm, my depression etc.

Since 0ctober 2017 he's been acting weird. I sent him a text about us meeting up for tea or coffee for my birthday. He never responded. He did have a busy week that weekend so I wasn't bothered. I mainly only messaged him that weekend because ... I knew I would forget.

He did end up messaging me and saying he owed me an apology. I told him that I understood that life gets busy. We tried setting something else up again but he was not receptive. At the end of last year, while he was ignoring me, he asked me if I could watch his cats. I said no. I mainly said no because they have really strict rules about their cats and it gives me anxiety that I'll do the same thing. A small part of the reason I said no was because my feelings were hurt.

This kept going on so I basically just let it going. I stopped initiated and kind of figured if he wants to talk he will. We did end up talking early this year and he let me know he was dealing with a lot. I was fine with that. I didn't need an explanation as to what was going on but it was nice for acknowledgement.

After that talk though he had a game night with friends and didn't invite myself or my boyfriend. He's closer to me than these other friends so I was a bit annoyed but he's allowed to hang out with other people. I don't have a monopoly on our friendship.

Three weeks ago he messaged me and said "We should get together". I told him yes but we'd have to work it out since I start working. Anyway, he totally disengaged. He wanted to meet after work so i told him I could meet whenever and got no response. I then told him M-W works and got no response.

Close to three weeks have gone by and he hasn't addressed the issue I gave him ample times since then to let me know if he was okay. I asked is everything okay. I am worried about you. No real response. Again, I wouldn't need an explanation just an acknowledgement that things might be tough right now as he focuses on xyz.

Thursday night he texts me after close to three weeks of nothing and asks me to watch his cats. It's father's day weekend and I told him no.

But I feel slightly annoyed and like he is using the fact that he knows I consider him a good friend to get me to do things. That might not be the case; he might have a lot going on but if he can take 5 seconds to ask about cat sitting why can't he take five seconds to ask/mention what's going on.

I mainly needed to vent. I've done what I can to work on it by asking him a few times if he needs to talk and if everything is okay. It's just hard because this person is my best friend and making friend's is difficult for me so if our friendship changes...who will I have in real life?

I mean, I used to tell him when I got hospitalized for self harm and he used to be supportive. I have that with online friend's and love it but it would still be nice to have with someone off-line

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Re: Friend is frustrating me - June 19th 2018, 02:03 PM

I know you've asked your friend if he is okay/needs to talk, but I'm wondering whether you would be up for confronting him directly?

Perhaps you can let him know that you are feeling ignored, and plans never seem to materialise, and yet he can ask you about cat-sitting? Let him know that you miss talking to him and spending time with him, but that things feel a bit more distant between you two these days and you're just wanting to know his thoughts on the matter so you can work through things together-whether that means more communication and not just withdrawing or being honest about what he is going through so you know not to worry or perhaps can even lend a hand to help.

Confronting things head on can be good as you'll hopefully find out what's going on, as it's really unclear judging by what he says. That said, you'll also have to be prepared for any negative consequences- what if he disagrees and doesn't see anything wrong with how he is behaving? Or what if he really is being more distant and doesn't see the friendship in the same way as he used to? How would you deal with these things?

Edit: Another option would be to find ways of accepting the friendship the way it is, even if it means less communication between you and your friend.

I do understand both these options are difficult, and I'm sorry you're stuck in such circumstances.

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Last edited by Celyn; June 20th 2018 at 11:48 AM.
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