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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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TraitorBaby Offline
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I need guidance - July 9th 2018, 11:11 PM

For a while now the thought that I hate my parents keeps popping into my head. And I kinda do.... they're abusive and gaslighters but I honestly can't tell if it's a justified feeling or just me.
I don't know what's going on in my head... I mean I know there's been abuse, and neglect, and mistreatment, but at the same time I have very little trust for them and every now and again I question what happened just because of the nature of the gas lighting and them being friendly every now and again so...
Every time things start to feel okay I think that it's a trick, that they're just acting that way for some ulterior motive. But it could also be that they're actually trying and I'm just crazy.
I only really ask this because my main goal right now is to get away from them. My plan was actually just disappear from their lives because it's the only way that I can be sure that they can't control my life, but if I'm wrong about this, I would've alienated and hurt my parents because of my own paranoia. Am I wrong? Am I justified in saying that I hate them for what they do, or am I just an angsty teen and they're just trying to do their best?
   
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Re: I need guidance - July 10th 2018, 05:16 AM

I've been following your posts and I don't think you are wrong. One thing I will say is that just because they are nice sometimes doesn't cancel out the things they have done. I know that abusive people have a way of trying to make us disbelieve that we've been abused. They try to make us feel crazy or wrong in our opinions of them. It's possible that your parents are/have done the same thing.

I know I've been made to feel crazy for my feelings towards my dad and a few other people in life. I still don't know if it's intentional or if it's that my dad has to live life in the dark about the 'truth' so he can cope. Whatever the reason, my experiences are still valid and I am not crazy. The same applies for you. Your parents might have good days where they treat you well and maybe they have good weeks but those times do not cancel out all that they have done.

If you feel that disappearing from their lives is healthiest for you that is okay. I would advise that you wait until you have a safe place to go because I don't want to see you leave one bad situation for another. While your home life isn't ideal you might be able to come up with a plan to escape, safely.

I hope you are well and I hope that this helped.


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Re: I need guidance - July 10th 2018, 08:31 PM

I agree with Bibliophile. Abusers definitely have a way of manipulating you and being nice when they want to be; and abusive parent could also be like an abusive partner, and the way it works in romantic relationships is that the person will usually isolate you, and be super nice, then they'll abuse you (e.g. through rape, emotional abuse such as belittling, etc.) then they'll find ways to make it seem like their abusive behaviours are some how your fault and manipulate it so it's harder to leave. The child parent dynamics are worse in many ways because the dynamics are different. There is the idea that is like "shut up, I'm the parent, and you're wrong because your a stupid kid and know noting" and you also cannot simply up and leave because you could be reported as a runaway and causing more problems etc.

I have friends who don't speak to their parents due to the abuse they faced. However, as you're a minor, I think you should follow Bibliophiles advice and make sure you have a safe place to go. For starters; does anyone else besides people on Teenhelp know about the abuse? If not, consider telling someone you can trust (e.g. a teacher, a coach, even a best friend) and tell them you don't feel safe at home and need a safe place to go. Document the abuse that occurs between now and you leaving home.

Depending on where you live, you can go to a youth shelter. You could probably reach out and ask how they handle situations if a kid willingly leaves home due to abuse, would they contact your parents, etc. I would encourage you to try to find something better though. However, it'd be a good option to have a youth shelter handy if things escalate to the point that you have no options. If you can live with a friend or a family member, please do so. I had an ex who lived with his grandparents due to his step dad abusing him, so I know it's possible.

Most importantly, how long will it be until you turn 18? Have you graduated high school yet? I graduated high school when I was 17 due to having a late birthday, so if that's you too, great. Before I carry on, whatever you do, do not throw away your high school education for this, you have to finish high school, which is why I started by giving you more practical choices. However, if you're done high school, get a job and find a way to move into your own place independently, even if you have to live in a shit hole, a crappy apartment is better than being abused.

If you have some kind of skill you can utilize to make money while finishing high school (e.g. teaching piano lessons, sports etc.), do so and move out the moment you finish high school if you cannot leave before then without being literally homeless.

You could also look into online schools in your area or ask your high school about finishing through a combination of evening classes and online classes etc. so that you can work and move out of home.

If you ever want to consider going to college, please please please finish high school. That should be the #1 priority ok, your parents abuse is having it's worst consequences if you don't even finish high school. I hope that the options I have suggested help though/
   
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Re: I need guidance - July 11th 2018, 02:04 AM

I have about four more months until I'm 18 but nowhere to go. No family, and I don't think a shelter will take me at this point. I'm cyberschooled but I'm also very far behind because of just general stress and panic attacks from having to deal with this. I haven't slept in a week, I have no drive to do anything and am basically useless when the anxiety kicks in so I'm already two weeks with no active work and am close to getting a few classes kicked because of it. But I can't tell anybody, otherwise they'll call it in and it'll be worse than if I was in the house. I'm also not sure how to make money right now without risking them getting involved, taking over, etc.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to get from all of this i just don't want to be alone...
   
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