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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Melancholia. Offline
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How should I handle this conflict? - November 29th 2018, 04:12 PM

I have two friends, R and S. We actually lived together at school last year and all went well. S ended up commuting this semester because before the semester started, she found out she was pregnant.

Recently, S said that R has been clingy lately and kind of making her uncomfortable. I can't confirm that R has been clingy because I don't really know.

Originally, R, a few friends, and I were trying to plan a baby shower for S. We had a group text going, and suddenly one of the other friends made a new text without R included, saying S no longer wants R planning the baby shower.

R STILL DOES NOT KNOW she is no longer a part of this. She STILL DOES NOT KNOW that S essentially does not want to be friends with her. Like yesterday R tried getting both me and S together for a group study and S didn't even answer the texts. So, basically she was just cut out of everything and nobody told her otherwise.

Whether the situation with S and R is valid or not, I don't feel comfortable with the fact that nobody has told her anything and that she's still gonig on thinking that everything is okay. It makes me feel bad, especially knowing that one of the reasons R MAY be clingy, if she is, is she essentially is losing everyone. We're all essentially graduating, have moved, etc, and she just doesn't... have anyone to spend time with anmyore. So to just cut her out of everything and not tell her?

The reason I have been hesitant to tell her anything myself is because I didn't feel like it was my place. Personally, S should be the one to tell her. But that doesn't seem to be happening. So, my question is, how should I handle this:

  1. Should I message S and tell her that "Hey, I respect the fact that you don't feel comfortable around R anymore. However, she doesn't know what's going on and still thinks everything's fine. I feel horrible having to pretend like everything is fine and just cutting her out of everything, and I honestly think that you need to tell her that you are uncomfortable."
  2. Should I message the baby shower group chat that doesn't have R in it and tell them that I don't think it's right that we are excluding R without saying anything? R still talks to me about the shower and is very excited...
  3. Should I just tell R everything myself? If so, how should I say it? I feel like saying "Hey, S said that she feels as if you've been clingy lately and also informed us that she does not want you to be part of her baby shower anymore" is a little harsh..


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Re: How should I handle this conflict? - December 2nd 2018, 03:59 PM

That's tricky! I have actually been wracking my brains over this!

I'm tempted to say option 2 first. You never know if someone else feels similar about R being left out and maybe you can figure something out together. Ultimately though, it is between R and S, and if option 2 doesn't work then option 1 would be best. Whatever has happened between them, it's not fair for R to be unknowingly left out when she is still excited about the baby shower, and ideally S should be the one to talk to her. I would use option 3 as a last resort, depending on how close you are to R and weighing up the pros and cons about how S might feel if R confronts her and says that you told her.

Depending on things, it might be worth trying to explore whether S would be willing to let R come to the babyshower, and then at some point afterwards, come clean to R about how she feels. It will be difficult enough for R to accept that S no longer wants her in her life, but it may be even harder for her to accept this on top of being left out of the baby shower completely. Since R is unaware of how S feels at the moment, maybe S could try to put aside her feelings for the day?


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Re: How should I handle this conflict? - December 5th 2018, 06:50 PM

I messaged the group chat, who said to ask S. Then S said she doesn't mind R coming. So I stated why I was confused and she said she'd talk to me when she sees me. But, with finals coming, I don't think we'll be seeing each other. Uh?


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Re: How should I handle this conflict? - December 8th 2018, 10:53 PM

First off you are correct that it is not your place to have to tell R that S doesn't want her around or involved with the baby shower any longer. That should be left to S to tell R. So if I was you I would contact S and let her know that you feel in the middle of this and are uncomfortable and that she should talk to R.

The #2 scenario is a bit trickery, but I still would mention I you are feeling to the group to get a feel from the rest of the group. You never know that you may have several other people in the group that feel the same way as you.

Good Luck.


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Re: How should I handle this conflict? - December 19th 2018, 08:58 PM

I'm still a little confused, but things seem to have sorted themselves out??? Or at least I think?? So I'm closing this, but if I need anything I can come back.


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