TeenHelp - Parents too strict

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Parents too strict

For as long as I’ve known, my parents have been unnaturally strict about everything. I wasn’t allowed to meet Friends until I was 16, am not allowed people round, am not allowed to leave the house on my own later than 5 ish, can’t wear dresses or heels, can’t go out late... the list goes on. I’m 19. I’ve always been behind my friends socially... because while they could do everything, I couldn’t. It takes weeks of persuasion to have a day out with friends and it doesn’t matter how old I get it doesn’t change. I’m from the UK and here I’m an adult (18+ is adult) but I’m treated like a child. I’ve spoke to them about it and they just say they are looking out for etc but I still can’t go/do it. There’s seems to be no getting round them but I’m tired of being a kid when developmentally I’m not.

Re: Parents too strict

Unless you have challenges intellectually or physically, you should be able to do what you want since you're 19.

Have you spoken to them more in-depth about how they're treating you? I think it would help to sit them down and explain to them that you are a grown adult who should do what they want to do. Are you in school? Perhaps move into a dorm or an apartment with a couple friends so you can get away from your parents.

Re: Parents too strict

I totally understand you. When I was 16 years old, my parents installed a mspy.co.uk/text-message-spy.html on my phone. At first it was hard, because I felt that they did not trust me. But when I myself had a daughter, I understood why they did this. From my own experience I can advise you to seriously talk to them again. And if this does not help, then maybe you have the opportunity to go to college and live separately from your parents?

Re: Parents too strict

Hey there!

Thanks for sharing your concerns with us! Strict parents are really difficult indeed!

It is common for parents to be strict because they care for you, especially when you are young. I mean, I'm 22 and my parents still don't allow me to date, and I can see why, so parents are probably not likely to fully let us do whatever we wish, and rightfully so, or else we'd all go crazy. But you are certainly old enough to be entitled to the independence people of our age group deserve, such as meeting friends, or stay out later than 5pm, for sure!

As the other users have already commented, I think the best way to go about this is to speak with them. There are some ways you can do it to tip the scales in your favour:

- Talk to them calmly. It is absolutely natural for you to get irritated or lose your temper, but try to hold it in. This is because when the other party (i.e. parents) sees how calm you are being about this, they will be more inclined to hear you out and less inclined to argue back.

- Tell them exactly how you feel. Don't be afraid to tell them that their strictness has influenced your socialising skills. Give specific examples. Mention some of your other friends whose parents are less "controlling", but still enforce a decent amount of strictness on their children. Say all of this in a nice manner so that they won't feel like they're being compared.

- Tell them what you'd like them to change. Now, this is the tricky bit. If you tell them to "not be so controlling and let me be free", they are less likely to oblige. Instead, take baby steps. Tell them to relax things one at a time. For example, you mentioned that they don't allow you to go out in heels or in a dress. Perhaps tell them that you wish to have autonomy in what you wear without jumping into full-on skin show or something.

For example, my mom told me not to date until I graduate from Uni. I'm already three years in, one more year to go, and I've lived up to her word. But recently I hinted that once I graduate, I will be open to dating - provided he's a nice guy that I can introduce to my family. And she's okay with that!

So try to come to a mutual agreement - you might have to do a bit of give-and-take but it might be worth it in the end. Remember, once they allow you to live your own life and see that you are doing just fine, it might be easier to get them to relax other facets of their strictness.

- Assure them and tell them that they can trust you. Assure them that you won't be up to bad habits with your independence but instead be a responsible adult. Tell them that it is important for you to now stand on your own two feet or else it will be difficult to cope later on. Tell them that you won't disappoint them, but rather dovetail the independence they grant you into doing things that will shape you into a socially responsible adult.

Good luck, and let me know if you have any further questions!

Re: Parents too strict

Unfortunately, this happens very often, and until you go to college you will need to put up with their rules in their home.

Re: Parents too strict

Hey, I noticed a lot of people are saying to talk to them about it. I agree that you should try to have that conversation. Sometimes it will work.

But sometimes it doesn't. It's important to acknowledge that possibility too. I'm 24, went to college and have lived on my own/with roommates for the past almost 6 years now. I had parental controls on my own laptop until I got one for college at almost 19. My parents let me go out but followed my every move and everyone I hung out with. My parents STILL try to dictate my life. I temporarily needed to move back in with them last summer, and they started searching my room again, demanded to know every detail of where I was going and who I was going with, etc. Talking to them did not help me. They continue to do this sort of thing even though I have my own apartment; they wanted the second key.

You know your parents and your situation best, and I think it is definitely worth a conversation, but you should also be prepared for the possibility that you might not get the result you are looking for.