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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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PoeticJessie Offline
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Unhappy Older Sister - March 1st 2019, 08:03 PM

I have three sisters who are forty-three, forty-one, and thirty-five. I'm twenty-one. My dad and stepmom separated for a while before I was born, and that's how he met my mom and also how I came along. The oldest (S) and I have always been really close, despite our age difference. At least until last year.

Last year was a weird year for me. I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I broke up because we both had issues we needed to work out separate from each other. Primarily, he needed to get to a place where he could accept the situation of my pregnancy (I was pregnant before I ever met him, but I didn't find out until halfway through the pregnancy, when we thought it was his at first) and I could also accept it and deal with my own issues.

My sister was a little peeved that it took me so long to tell her, but I had to get to where i could accept the fact that I was actually pregnant. We had a few disagreements stemming from a difference of opinion regarding my son's biological father (she wanted me to sue him for child support when I had decided that if he didn't want to be in my son's life, he could sign away his rights and be done with it.) Overall, though, we were getting along as well as we always did, or at least I thought.

She got pregnant six months after I did. She and her husband had been trying to have a baby for thirteen years, and it just wasn't happening. They ended up doing embryo adoption.

She didn't even tell me she was pregnant. She told our parents and sisters personally, but I found out through Facebook that she was having the baby. That irritated me, but I let it go, thinking that maybe she meant to tell me but had forgotten.

I also later found out that I was the only one who didn't know that she and her husband had been undergoing fertility treatments and had decided to do embryo adoption. I was still under the belief that they had given up on trying to have a baby after they had a failed adoption about ten years ago.

That was a little upsetting, but again, I let it go. I told myself that she just didn't want to add to the stress I was already going through what with being pregnant, going through a break up, and trying to get ready for a baby.

I had my son in August. She told me she was going to come visit me in the hospital when he was born. The day I had my c-section, she said she would come visit the next day.

I never heard from her that day, and she didn't come visit. I sat there all day, waiting for her, and she never showed. I actually cried that night because I had been looking forward to seeing my big sister, to having someone actually visit me because I knew no one else would. She never even told me why she didn't come visit.

I was more than a little hurt about it, but again, I just told myself that she must've had a good reaosn.

I never really heard from her about her pregnancy. I got most of the updates from my stepmom, and if I wanted to hear from her, I had to directly ask her, "Hey, how's the baby?"

When the doctor decided to do a c-section because the baby was breech, again, I had to find out through my stepmom. If she hadn't told me, I would have found out through Facebook. When the baby was born, our sister told me.

I didn't hear from my sister for more than a week.

She was on Facebook. I got lots of updates from our other sisters and my stepmom, but for whatever reason, she just wouldn't answer my calls or texts until I finally asked my stepmom if I had pissed S off somehow. I heard from her the next day, I think because my stepmom talked to her about it...

I didn't confront her about that either. I don't know how. I'm not good with confrontation, and it felt kind of shitty (excuse my French) to start a fight right after she had a baby.

Well, it's been about a month since then, and we've talked some. I've only seen her once since she had the baby, but we had some coversations here and there.

We made plans to get together today, and she told me to let her know right before I left my house. She cancelled on me when I told her we were getting ready to leave the house. Baby was ready, diaper bag packed, car had been warmed up.

That's the most last minute cancel I've ever seen.

I'm not sure how I feel. I'm upset. I'm disappointed. I miss having a good relationship with her, but I don't hear from her much, and the few times we've tried to get together, she's cancelled. I don't know what to do to try to fix our relationship, but I know I don't want things to be like this.
   
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Re: Older Sister - March 3rd 2019, 03:59 PM

Since you say that you and your oldest sister were close but things changed when you found out you were pregnant and had taken a while to tell her this, I'm wondering if your sister has some underlying tension that might be making her more distant? For example, she may have felt upset that you took a while to tell her you were pregnant, and may have struggled with the realisation that you were pregnant when she had been trying with no luck for such a long time. It also sounds like she strongly disagreed with you not taking child support from the father, though ultimately it's your baby so your choice. Alternatively, she may be struggling to adjust to parenthood and balancing everything, as many people find that when a baby enters the picture, relationships with others can change. These things don't explain why it your sister is more distant with you, but they may be factors that lead to her behaving this way.

I'm not one for confrontation either, but it does sound like you need to have an honest conversation with your sister. You don't have to go into detail about everything, but you could let her know that you miss her, and feel that there is more distance between you both these days with not talking much and not being able to meet up etc and you'd like to improve that. You could try asking her how she feels about the relationship, if she can think of anything that might've caused this drift to happen (and let her know that she needs to be honest in order for you both to work things out) and what you can both do to get the relationship back on track. You could mention how upset you were when finding out news second hand, her not being at the birth, cancelling plans etc. but you'll need to do it in a way that focuses on your feelings rather than blaming her as that may just lead to arguments.


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