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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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oceaneyes95 Offline
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Can this broken relationship really be mended? - September 8th 2019, 01:55 PM

I'm typing this on my phone of which the screen is cracked. So, my apologies in advance for errors in spelling.
I'm not really sure as to how to start this out. I know I've made a post about this before. So, back when I was 20 my first baby was 6 months old. I was going through A LOT of difficulties & hardships at home with my family. Eli & I were on our own as far as his dad being involved. (Things are way different & way better now). Anyway, I took Eli, and moved in with a boyfriend/ boyfriend's family. I went through a year of court over custody of Eli against my family. I lived with my boyfriends family from March 2015-July 2015. We had been broken up for the majourity of that stay, but his family was helping me with the court battle. I got to know his family really well through that time, and they assured that even after I move out & moved on they would still be like family to me. But, before court was even over they had replaced Eli & I with the boysfriends new girlfriend & her baby. When court ended March 2016 I found out a lot of things they talked about behind my back with my family. That was like the ultimate betrayal to me. I was pregnant through a lot of that time. After I got back with Eli's dad we got pregnant with Grayson. He was born a month after court ended April 2016. So, that summer I tried to move on mentally, and emotionally. I even lost post partom wright from both pregnancies. But, it kept ringing in the back of my mind that that "ex boyfriends"' sister who I had considered my own sister hadn't spoken to be since I ditched them all back in March 2016. I messaged her on Facebook in October 2016, and we made up. We were friends from that point until Septemeber of 2017. O unfriended her for a lot of reasons. She had a baby in the spring or summer of 2017, and wasn't really raising her daughter. She talked about how to she changed for the better after becoming a mom & wife, and she did for a while. But, here I had to sit & watch her family raise her new baby for her, and make it easy on her while she lived the same life she had before having a baby (drinking & partying). While the entire time I lived there they made parenthood SO hard on me. Her moms favourite thing to say was "ive already raised my own, im not raising nobody else baby". I couldn't work when I lived there because nobody wanted to watch Eli for me. They never helpedd me with anything, and they always had to put their 2 cents, and their criticism in. Always jugding me, and for Christ's sake all I did was sit there and take care of Eli 24/7. No job, no car, no money, no phone, no social media/internet, no friends/family. There were so many rules. They picked out what I wore. They told me I wasn't allowed to drink too much water just because. They told me I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys unless it was family (as of I was even capable of that). When Eli's dad and I got back togetber they would throw a fit if they saw him helping with Eli (even if it meant buckling the carseat into the car because it's the mother responsibility.) So, after the hell I went through while living there for 4 months. Then, to see them being 100% different with my "ex sister" it made it hard for me to continue having her on my facebook like her friends & family do everything for her baby because "it takes a village". But, they told me it's the moms responsibility, and ONLY the moms. Then, let alone messaging with her, or even arranging meet-ups to have a genuine friendship. I WANTED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS SO BADLY! But, anytime I tried she would get defensive. So, I talked to her Aunt about it, and im sure her aunt showed her all my messages including everything I said. (Because their all 2 faced). After all of thos blew over sometime in 2018 she blocked me on Facebook for months for no reason. In November of 2018 I messaged her sister somthing like "was thinking of y'all today while I was at work! We're doing well, and hope y'all are doing well too!". It was opened, and left on read. She recently just messaged me THIS MONTH. She was on a RAGING FIT because I guess some random fake facebook acccount has been sending her hate messages, and her & all of her friends/family assume it was me. I stayed calm, and didn't lash out. I assured her it wasn't me at all. I told her I wasntgetting bent out of shape that anyone thoufht it was. I told her that im working full time in a nursing home, and going to nursing school soon. Other than that I felt like I couldn't tell her a lot about my life, or try to hard to convince her I was innocent. Whrn you try too hard you end up looking guilty. When you tell too much that gives them dirt on you to talk about. MIND YOU MY FACEBOOK IS 100% PRIVATE, or as private as one could possably get. I know for a fact because I check it frequently. Plus, I had it deactivated from May 2018-March 2019. Meaning, this past March I started using Facebook again. I'm not bitter towarda her anymore over her family treatingher differently than me. I'm not bitter towards her mom & brother for how bad they were ti me. I forgive them 100%. Im in a good place, and ive found my peace. My family, my life, and myself are where my focus is. That's why I distanced myself from her. Because I couldn't talk it out with her like I wanted. So I tried finding my peace, and forgiveness. Im all about moving on for the better, and stuff like that. Can this friendship be mended, or should I let go for good? My kids are 3, and 5 now. They're both in Pre-school. I'm married to their dad, and have my CNA license, and a house/car. I've developed a decent support system. This all started with her family 4 years ago. I hadn't spoken to this old "sister" for 2 years until here recently when she confronted me about the hate mail. I didn't even wanr to entertain that BS when I got that message from her regaurding the hate mail she got. Like, I kind of just want to either patch things up, or keep my distance. Like, I want them to stop talking about me. I want my name to stay out of their conversations. That's why I don't want them to know a lot about my life anymore. Everything is private, and I kept my bee's wax in the hive when she confronted me about this mystery facebook that's harrassing her.


~~you doubted me then, but look at me now~~

Last edited by oceaneyes95; September 8th 2019 at 04:24 PM.
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Can this broken relationship really be mended? - September 11th 2019, 07:18 PM

I'm wondering, with all the issues this family seems to have caused you, why you are considering trying to mend the relationship? I understand that at the time, you felt really close to them (even considering the sister as your own), and were heartbroken later on to find out they had been talking about you behind your back and saying very unkind things. Not only that but you felt you were treated unfairly in comparison to your ex's sister and baby. There may also have been the chance that the family may have found things difficult if you were staying with them though you had split up with your boyfriend. This doesn't excuse how they treated you and the unfair expectations but it helps to explain their behaviour towards you a bit.

It's understandable that seeing your ex's sister on facebook and how differently she is being treated compared to you would've upset you, more so if you feel she isn't looking after her child well. It makes sense you would've unfriended her. Though talking to her aunt about things may not have been the best move and while it's unclear about the fake account sending hate messages, it's clear they assumed it was you and don't seem to hold you in a positive regard right now.

It's really good to hear that you don't feel bitter towards any of the family, nor at how they treated you. It's also good that you have tried to move on and be at peace with the situation. Friendships are complicated in that they require both people to want to work on the friendship. This means mending the friendship will require you looking at why you want to mend the friendship, what you hope to gain out of it, reaching out while also accepting the other person may not feel the same and may decline your invite to mend the friendship. You'll also want to think about how to try to avoid similar situations happening again in the friendship. If you decide that you just want them to stop talking about you, remember that you can only control your actions and behaviours and not theirs. In this case, perhaps keeping distance might help as they won't be able to talk about you if you aren't really in their lives and keep things private.


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Re: Can this broken relationship really be mended? - September 11th 2019, 10:21 PM

Thanks so much for your reply! You've been very helpful, and yes you're so right about keeping things private & at a distance if I really want them to stop talking about me. My Facebook is super private, and when I did exchange messages with her I only told her 2 things about my personal life. That im working full time in a nursing nome, and going to nursing school soon. Other than that I assured her I wasn't at fault, and that I happy a happy life now. I understand that how they treated me really could have been related to the boyfriend & I breaking up while I was staying there. I messaged her yesterday on Facebook with a very lengthy message that I had actually typed out on my phone first, and edited all day. Nothing mean, or out of line. Just me explaining where I was coming from, and hitting points that were never made on issues that were never discussed. She opened it, but never replied. I can honestly saythat I feel like after posting this, and then sending her that message I can have closure. I'm realy for this to be over for good. No more "on again, off again."


~~you doubted me then, but look at me now~~
   
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