My mess

[Skye16]

The family and friends part of my life is quite messy.
It's a curse to feel everything too deeply because then you understand everyone but no one understands you. There are times when I feel like Ocean and everyone I know likes to swim in the swallow water. They are afraid of the deapth, afraid of what they might find in the dark.

On the surface I've got many friends but none of them understand me, the real me. They don't understand my need to slip away in solitude when things get hard. They don't understand why destruction and chaos and darkness feels like home. They don't understand my insecurities. They only want to accept my light. I cannot show them my darkness. I cannot be real with them. I need to filter my thoughts and think twice before I speak because how ever they are I don't want to lose them.

My parents are emotionally abusive. They constantly fight and argue over nothing. In my life on 16 years never have they ever told me they love me but they haven't failed to constantly remind how much of a burden I'm to them and how I have always created problems. They are proud of my sister but ashamed of me. There's so much to say about my family but I'll probably say it in my next posts because talking about all these brings back a lot of bad momeries and I'm right now I'm not emotionally stable to go through it all.

[DeletedAccount53]

Originally Posted by Skye16

The family and friends part of my life is quite messy.
It's a curse to feel everything too deeply because then you understand everyone but no one understands you. There are times when I feel like Ocean and everyone I know likes to swim in the swallow water. They are afraid of the deapth, afraid of what they might find in the dark.

On the surface I've got many friends but none of them understand me, the real me. They don't understand my need to slip away in solitude when things get hard. They don't understand why destruction and chaos and darkness feels like home. They don't understand my insecurities. They only want to accept my light. I cannot show them my darkness. I cannot be real with them. I need to filter my thoughts and think twice before I speak because how ever they are I don't want to lose them.

My parents are emotionally abusive. They constantly fight and argue over nothing. In my life on 16 years never have they ever told me they love me but they haven't failed to constantly remind how much of a burden I'm to them and how I have always created problems. They are proud of my sister but ashamed of me. There's so much to say about my family but I'll probably say it in my next posts because talking about all these brings back a lot of bad momeries and I'm right now I'm not emotionally stable to go through it all.

Hey Skye, you are brave to reach out and tell us how awful your family and friends are. It must have taken courage to write, but underneath, I believe you're a strong person, though to you it doesn't seem that way most of the time.

The reason why your parents and family don't love or accept you, is because they may be that they do not know how to love properly. There is a huge chance that they do not love themselves and that they carry pain from something that happened to them, perhaps way back to when they were children, too. There are many who will never understand the pain they cause because they have never seen love, gentleness and tolerance up close. They cannot help but be spiteful, for they don't know what it is like to demonstrate love.

Except I know how loving you are to Maman and how you treat me so sweetly as a friend. You write beautifully, poetically, even. And your English is very good as is the gentle way you are towards friends we know. If your town has a public library, look for books on wholeness and
healing. One I can recommend, having read and loved it:

The Power of Forgiveness: A Guide to Healing and Wholeness by Emily J. Hook The book is published by Forgiveness Academy (2017)

That link will give you a choice of this book in various conditions. There is a currency converter. But if you were to request it at your library, here is the book's ISBN:

ISBN 10: 0998552402ISBN 13: 9780998552408 (link removed)

Happy, loving people spread happiness and love and are genuine as they are gentle in personality. Learn to generate your own peace and happiness so that you are not associating with the wrong people who only love themselves, so that you learn to form and be satisfied with healthy relationships outside of family among people you already know and who you call friends. But in the meantime your task is to be brave and carry on. The light will make itself known to you. in time it will.

For all it is possible, try and spread happiness and love even if it is not responded to. Learn to generate your own peace and happiness so that you are not chasing those who only love themselves, so that you learn to form healthy friendships outside of family. Do your best to learn to love yourself, and be as respectful to your unloving parents, and help them in the tasks they find difficult. If you cannot please them, then at least you will be pleasing yourself. An example of this is washing dishes. I absolutely loathe it, but prefer to do it to save Maman or Julie, both who hate the very thought of standing at the sink.

It is not you who are messed up, but your family. They cannot demonstrate love if it isn't there in their hearts. How you are feeling, resonates with me. How people react to you isn’t about you. It's about them. They may treat you in a despicable heartless way because of how they were treated as youngsters, or what they think they or you deserve. They just for the life of them cannot help themselves for being dysfunctional, going way back before you were born. But you can help yourself because your heart is open, and seeking. And in time you will find that.

Until you are old enough to leave home, try to care for them in ways they find things difficult. Cook if you can, shop for them if they don't feel like it. Give kindness if it is possible to find love the size of a poppy seed in your heart. Your parents may not be the greatest, but at least you have a roof over your head and are not living rough, a miserable and dangerous existence. You have food, and clothes and are safe where you live. Some places are not.

Julie and I were abandoned, our father too far gone and is dead now as is our birth mother, taken her life. By the time we were found my dearest sister and I were living in abject poverty. It's still raw. I can't....just can't talk about that anymore except to say we now have a loving mother, and that finally we are safe. I am praying for you.

Hugs,
Wendi

[Skye16]

Originally Posted by Pork Chops

Hey Skye, you are brave to reach out and tell us how awful your family and friends are. It must have taken courage to write, but underneath, I believe you're a strong person, though to you it doesn't seem that way most of the time.

The reason why your parents and family don't love or accept you, is because they may be that they do not know how to love properly. There is a huge chance that they do not love themselves and that they carry pain from something that happened to them, perhaps way back to when they were children, too. There are many who will never understand the pain they cause because they have never seen love, gentleness and tolerance up close. They cannot help but be spiteful, for they don't know what it is like to demonstrate love.

Except I know how loving you are to Maman and how you treat me so sweetly as a friend. You write beautifully, poetically, even. And your English is very good as is the gentle way you are towards friends we know. If your town has a public library, look for books on wholeness and
healing. One I can recommend, having read and loved it:

The Power of Forgiveness: A Guide to Healing and Wholeness by Emily J. Hook[/url] The book is published by Forgiveness Academy (2017)

That link will give you a choice of this book in various conditions. There is a currency converter. But if you were to request it at your library, here is the book's ISBN:

ISBN 10: 0998552402ISBN 13: 9780998552408 (link removed)

Happy, loving people spread happiness and love and are genuine as they are gentle in personality. Learn to generate your own peace and happiness so that you are not associating with the wrong people who only love themselves, so that you learn to form and be satisfied with healthy relationships outside of family among people you already know and who you call friends. But in the meantime your task is to be brave and carry on. The light will make itself known to you. in time it will.

For all it is possible, try and spread happiness and love even if it is not responded to. Learn to generate your own peace and happiness so that you are not chasing those who only love themselves, so that you learn to form healthy friendships outside of family. Do your best to learn to love yourself, and be as respectful to your unloving parents, and help them in the tasks they find difficult. If you cannot please them, then at least you will be pleasing yourself. An example of this is washing dishes. I absolutely loathe it, but prefer to do it to save Maman or Julie, both who hate the very thought of standing at the sink.

It is not you who are messed up, but your family. They cannot demonstrate love if it isn't there in their hearts. How you are feeling, resonates with me. How people react to you isn’t about you. It's about them. They may treat you in a despicable heartless way because of how they were treated as youngsters, or what they think they or you deserve. They just for the life of them cannot help themselves for being dysfunctional, going way back before you were born. But you can help yourself because your heart is open, and seeking. And in time you will find that.

Until you are old enough to leave home, try to care for them in ways they find things difficult. Cook if you can, shop for them if they don't feel like it. Give kindness if it is possible to find love the size of a poppy seed in your heart. Your parents may not be the greatest, but at least you have a roof over your head and are not living rough, a miserable and dangerous existence. You have food, and clothes and are safe where you live. Some places are not.

Julie and I were abandoned, our father too far gone and is dead now as is our birth mother, taken her life. By the time we were found my dearest sister and I were living in abject poverty. It's still raw. I can't....just can't talk about that anymore except to say we now have a loving mother, and that finally we are safe. I am praying for you.

Hugs,
Wendi

That was very beautifully written. Thank you so much Wendi. I've learned to embraced their distorted love. If even their love only last few moments I'm grateful for that. I've always love them with every inch of my existence because no matter how ever they are they are the only family I know.

I get that my parents are not heroes. And I'm not the best daughter either. Love is always two wayed. But it's tiring to always love them and get slight to none feeling from their part.

I will definitely read the book you recommended. It has a beautiful name.

All my life I have felt that something is wrong with me. I still feel that. It's like I'm broken and unfixable. I feels like I'm the one who always creates mess. It's hard to accept the opposite because it's humanly nature to blame oneself.

I'm sorry to hear about yours and Julie's past but I'm glad you have your Maman now.

Lots of love
Skye

[DeletedAccount53]

Originally Posted by Skye16

That was very beautifully written. Thank you so much Wendi. I've learned to embraced their distorted love. If even their love only last few moments I'm grateful for that. I've always love them with every inch of my existence because no matter how ever they are they are the only family I know.

I get that my parents are not heroes. And I'm not the best daughter either. Love is always two wayed. But it's tiring to always love them and get slight to none feeling from their part.

I will definitely read the book you recommended. It has a beautiful name.

All my life I have felt that something is wrong with me. I still feel that. It's like I'm broken and unfixable. I feels like I'm the one who always creates mess. It's hard to accept the opposite because it's humanly nature to blame oneself.

I'm sorry to hear about yours and Julie's past but I'm glad you have your Maman now.

Lots of love
Skye

In a video made by a fashion mag, Maman said these words: 'I'm trying everything, but it's hard to find your path in life.'

You have not yet found your path in life, so maybe this emptiness you feel is all part of your frustration of being unable to find it. Yet, you are being educated at school and the curriculum you are active in will become real when you pass your exams.

When I was 16 I thought very differently than I do now. Though my living circumstances have changed, the integral structure of my life remains the same. There is plenty of work that has to be done, yet, I have not reached the pinnacle when I can say I've made it to the top. Many years are yet to be lived, and I won't allow feelings of emptiness fill it. maybe you can still find things to do?

Your parents may never be helpful, but unconsciously you have let them drag you down to feel empty. Have you friends you can see and do things with?

When we actively become part of our friends' lives, then we will be doing something worthwhile where others can benefit. In this there is the satisfaction of helping them achieve their dreams.

For the sake of my sister and our mother I refuse to assume I am of little worth, let alone feel empty. I make things happen; I am driven. My whole life spans ahead like yours though our culture is different, surely there is something you can involve yourself in that will go a long way in making your life feel you are making significant changes for the better.