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TH Anonymous Offline
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Is it wrong? - February 12th 2021, 05:50 PM

[SIZE="a"]is it wrong to say both my parents passed away when I was young? My mother really did pass away when I was a child but now that I'm a single young adult in my mid twenties and i relocated to a new place, I'm being asked all kinds of questions about my past. I am in no contact with my father and I would rather not mention my relationship at all but it does come up and I feel like just saying he died would protect my privacy.

I'm looking at it from a moral perspective of like, being dishonest as well as the whole if you pretend something it can come true and he is still a human being. I wouldn't want to accelerate the day he truly does die. Plus if he actually does die then I won't be able to tell anyone unless I take the lie further and say he was my adopted father or some other story.[/size]
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Re: Is it wrong? - February 12th 2021, 06:42 PM

Hi there,

I think the decision is ultimately yours, based on what you feel comfortable sharing, but I understand your worries here and I would probably share them myself. Could you perhaps say something such as "my dad and I aren't in touch" or "my father and I don't talk"? If anyone presses you for more information, you're not obliged to tell them anything you're not comfortable sharing. You can simply say that you don't want to talk about it, or it's in the past and therefore something you don't need or want to think about.

I think, looking at the future, having the possibility of a support network there even if you don't currently have a good relationship with your father will be helpful. What you're saying makes complete sense in that it keeps the option to talk to someone and be comforted open when that day does eventually come.

As I say, the choice is entirely yours. I don't really know if it's right or wrong. I have met people who say relatives are "dead to them", but it is not necessarily a death wish. I'm not sure it's something I would say myself though, but circumstances are different for everyone and emotions are often justified and explainable. From what you're saying though I think a very clear, direct way of saying "we dont talk, I don't want to talk about it" would benefit you and take away the moral dilemma of telling people both of your parents have passed away.

Hope this helps a little bit!

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Re: Is it wrong? - February 13th 2021, 01:17 AM

Hi there,

Ultimately, the decision is yours on what you say. The only advice I can give you is to say what you believe is right.

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Re: Is it wrong? - February 13th 2021, 12:50 PM

"Passing away" is a gentle way of referring to someone who died, but as Everglow said, you're not obliged to tell anyone any details you're not comfortable with.

Both my parents are dead. Mostly I say to people "they passed away", and leave it at that. When they usually reply, "My condolences", or "I'm sorry", I just nod and say no more.

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Re: Is it wrong? - February 14th 2021, 11:28 AM

I think the decision is really up to you. While it's perfectly fine to say your mum died when you were young — which she did — I would probably consider the ramifications of saying your dad died when you were young as well in case your family members find out what you've been saying.

I feel like it's perfectly fine to say you are not on speaking terms with him, and then quickly move the conversation along. A lot of people do not keep in contact with one or both of their parents for very personal reasons; reasons in which you have no obligation to explain to those who ask.

I think the important thing is if these people start judging you for not being in contact with your dad, know that you are doing the right thing by yourself and that these people were not around for the things that led you to make this decision.

Reminder: you are doing the right thing.

But, ultimately, that decision is up to you... as the others have said.

Feel free to post again if you need to, we're here to listen.
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Re: Is it wrong? - February 14th 2021, 11:57 AM

[SIZE="a"]Thank you everyone.

I think I'm gonna go with I've "lost" my parents. It keeps it ambiguous.

My family members will most likely not find out. They don't know much about my life right now.

The main thing is that sometimes I want to refer to close friends as family so I want to say I was adopted. Just to erase the part of my life where I lived with my bio family.

I noticed that when I woke up at 3am last night that I was crying in anger. Anger because I AM a family person. I never would have dreamed to be the one to cut myself off. I did it because I had to. Because they stopped caring about me, because they hurt me that badly. I feel like no one would understand that.

It happens to be that I don't know any coworker who doesn't speak to their family. Many are married and have kids and maybe for the sake of their kids they keep in contact. But everyone talks about how they have to get COVID tested to go visit or whatnot. Or how some of them are the caretakers as their parents are elderly. I don't really know anyone in that school who is my age who isn't married yet....there is one who does office work and she does actually have a relationship with her family. If not her parents, she can still mention another family member.

I have zero biological family that I have a positive relationship with.

Most people do ask what brought me here, where do my parents live and whether I get to visit my parents at all. Just a fact of life for them that that's what they do. It is unheard of to not at least want to visit them. Maybe covid doesn't allow but then they'd say I'm so sorry, hope you can see them soon. That is going to be triggering to me to hear.[/size]
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Re: Is it wrong? - February 14th 2021, 12:01 PM

[SIZE="a"]This thread can be closed please. I think I know what im going to try next time.[/size]
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